This Army Life
by Nicolle
Summary: All is not quiet on the Wutai front, as Sephiroth and Zack do everything possible to screw off and not run a war.
1. Episode One: Wutai Suicide Squad!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  This is my first attempt at a serial.  In other words, each chapter is a different episode and may or may not have any bearing on the last.  They won't be in any particular order either.  All stories center around the Shinra-Wutai War before Final Fantasy VII starts.  Expect OOC-ness and general screwing off, mostly on the part of Zack.  Insane story ideas are welcome.

2nd Note:  Giles is mine and he's an idiot.  Feel free to destroy him in whatever way you feel is stress relieving.

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Mr. Rowan Atkinson.

WARNING:  DO NOT EAT OR DRINK WHILE READING THIS FIC!!!  You have been warned.

Episode One:  Wutai Suicide Squad!

            "I've got this cunning plan to get out of being killed, Sir," Giles said.

           The General lifted his head from the paperwork. "Oh?"

           "I'm going to become a cook at Shinra headquarters."

           Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Brilliant idea, Giles. Too bad you can't cook."

           "I can too, Sir."

           "Giles, your pudding looks suspiciously like squashed slugs and your sirloin steak tastes like tongue of dog. The only thing you can cook with any decency is broiled rat. Speaking of which, what's for dinner tonight?"

           "Elephant wings."

           "You mean buffalo wings."

           "No. Actually, Sir, they're chocobo wings. I thought that, since they don't really fly, we could just cut the wings off and have them for dinner."

           Sephiroth rubbed his temples. "Oh God... Get General Zack, would you?"

           "Yes, Sir." Giles ran off and Zack meandered into the tent, bloody.

           "What the hell happened to you?"

           "Someone cut the wings off the chocobos."

           "That would have been Giles."

           Zack looked out the tent flap. "He really wants out of here, doesn't he? Why don't you have him sent to guard duty somewhere the war isn't?"

           "Because I don't like him enough to send him to Costa del Sol, I don't hate him enough to send him to Midgar, and having him around makes me feel infinitely better when the new recruits show up. Here's the latest battle plan."

           Zack pulled a chair up to the desk. "What's Shinra having us do now?"

           "He wants a lightning strike at the eastern front."

           "Straight through the marshes. Great. We'll be as quick as snails." Zack leaned back. "I guess no one told him that the marshes are filled monsters."

           "No. And no one told him that there isn't an eastern front. Wutai certainly isn't in there. Not that I blame them."

           "So what? We wait a few days and send a report back of our glorious victory?"

           Sephiroth rolled up the map. "Sounds good to me."

           "So what's for dinner?"

           "Chocobo wings."

A Week Later...

            "Message from President Shinra, Sir!" Giles yelled.

           Sephiroth frowned and took the letter. "Bloody hell."

           Zack looked up from the interesting reading behind his eyelids. "What?"

           "Shinra's coming down to see the progress on the eastern front."

           Zack snuggled back into his chair. "Great. We'll show him the empty, monster filled swamps and say we had no casualties."

           Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "He'll be here in two hours."

           Zack stood and stretched. "All right. I'll take some of the men into the marsh for fifteen minutes for a wrestling match. You kill a monster and leave its bloody corpse in the middle of camp. We'll improvise the rest."

On The Arrival of the President...

            "What IS that thing?"

           "That, President Shinra, is a dead marlboro," Sephiroth said. The black tentacles lay listlessly on the ground while dark red blood seeped into the ground.

           "And why do the men stink of the swamp?"

           "You ordered a strike through the swamp, sir," Zack answered. The men in question were currently trying to pull leaches off of themselves while still standing at attention.

           "I ordered a strike on the eastern front."

           Somewhere, vaguely, Sephiroth realized that he was developing a twitch. "The swamp is the eastern front."

           "It is the eastern front? Good. How did our operations go?"

           Zack resisted the urge to kill himself. "Great. We didn't lose a single soldier."

           "My god! What happened to the Chocobos?!"

           "Wutai Suicide squads, sir. They hurt the birds and then kill themselves for the shame of it," Zack said. "Terrible really. The birds are traumatized."

           "Too bad that. So where are the prisoners of war? I'd like to have them interrogated."

           "Well," Sephiroth began, "there are no prisoners of war."

           "You didn't capture anyone?"

           "Oh we captured a lot of Wutai, but they were all part of the suicide squad and they killed themselves."

           "So what did you do with the bodies? Burn them?"

           Sephiroth's face went deadly intense. "We cut up the bodies and catapulted the pieces into enemy territory."

           The President swallowed, hard, and backed away from the General. "Yes, well, I guess that's a decent enough report." He turned to Zack. "I'll just be heading back to Midgar then."

           Sephiroth smiled. "You won't stay for dinner?"

           "What's on the menu?"

           "Wutai Suicide Squad..." Zack muttered as he dragged the President back to his car.

Over a Dinner Consisting of... You Don't Really Want to Know.

            Zack stuffed a chocobo wing in his mouth. "Thank God everyone thinks your psycho, Seph."

           "I am psycho." The General spit out a chocobo feather. "I'm still here, aren't I?"

           "You two seem to have this all in hand, don't you?" Rufus said as he walked in the tent.

           "Care for some chocobo, Rufus? It's great stuff." Zack offered him a wing.

           The Vice President wrinkled his nose and took a piece. "You may be able to fool my father, but I know you've both been up to nothing for the past month and a half." He took a bite of the wing. "This isn't half bad."

           "It isn't half good either," Sephiroth said, "So what the hell are we doing out here?"

           "Good question. However, I don't have a good answer." Rufus took another bite of the chocobo wing. "Honestly, the army should be holding the Wutai line in the west. But you know my father. He can't tell his right hand from his left, let alone read a map. So I'm going to order you to pack up and move west." He finished off the Chocobo wing.

           "Can we request more chocobos?" Zack asked.

           "Only if you promise not to eat them." He picked up another wing and tore into it. "Damn they're good."


	2. Episode Two: Wutai Spy!

This Army Life

By: Nicolle

1st Note:  If it sounds AU and OOC, oh well.

2nd Note:  Yes, I know that the materia doesn't work that way, but I have a poetic license, so there.

3rd Note:  Yes, he wants a chocobo of his very own.

Final Fantasy and all its characters currently belong to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.   

Episode 2:  Wutai Spy!

            Giles shifted nervously as he lay on the forest floor.  "Uh, Sir?  What do I do if I step on a mine?"

            "Well, the normal procedure is to throw yourself several hundred feet into the air and scatter yourself over a wide area."  Sephiroth sighed.  Looking over his shoulder, he spotted Zack crawling along the forest floor, looking mostly like a pile of leaves.  When the brown spikes of hair reached the General, he suddenly wished he had a head cold.  "My God, Zack, when was the last time you bathed?"

            "I thought you liked that manly smell."

            "When I suddenly have a brain event and begin to prefer the perfume of the Creature from the Black Latrine, I'll let you know.  Now let's get out of here before Giles soils himself."

Back at the Base…

            "Now that that pointless exercise is over, what the hell was Shinra thinking?"

            Zack stood mockingly to attention. "Ahem.  The great President wished us to engage the enemy by surprise and break the Wutai line to the south."

            "So he sent us to the north."

            Zack fell into a chair.  "No one said he was intelligent."

            "It just goes to show, if you want something done properly, kill President Shinra before you start."

            A knock sounded from the door and a young, dark-haired boy stepped in.  He saluted.  "Message, Sirs."

            Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.  "Hello, Giles.  So you're a messenger boy now?"

            "I need the money from both jobs, Sir."

            "Ouch," Zack cringed.  "So what's the message?"

            "President Shinra would like you both to return to Midgar for new orders, Sirs.  I am to accompany you for the trip."

            Sephiroth stood and stretched.  "I highly doubt you could keep me from going AWOL…  Well, out of the green ring of hell and back into the pitch black, machine encrusted one.  All right, Giles, lead the way."

Into the Black Pit of Hell… 

            Sephiroth sat in the overstuffed chair and stared out the window.  "God, I hate this place."

            Rufus stepped in the door.  "Started talking to yourself, eh?"

            "Of course.  It's the only way I can be assured of intelligent conversation.  So what are the new orders?"

            "There's a spy for Wutai somewhere in Midgar.  Zack and yourself have been called back to flush him out and kill him."

            Sephiroth smiled and leaned toward Rufus.  "You're kidding."

            Rufus sat behind the desk.  "Nope."

            "Don't tell me your father came up with this."

            "Actually, this is Heidigger's little game."

            Sephiroth sat back with a sharp laugh.  "Heidigger?  He's about as effective as a doggie door in an elephant house."

            "That being the case, I believe having you here might actually help.  The spy may try to get into your good graces, hoping to hear about our plans at the front."

            "Pfff… If a spy found out our battle plans, the enemy would go on vacation in South Wutai for a few months and come back to find the entire situation unchanged and we wouldn't have known the difference.  Your father's idea of a war is only slightly less whack than Heidigger dragging me back to this hell hole to find a spy that I'm sure a deranged rat on a leash would find."

            "Think of it as a vacation, Seph."

            "You just glossed over the hell hole comment, didn't you."

            "Only because I enjoy seeing you suffer."

A Bit Later…

            "So we're supposed to find a spy and kill it."

            Zack's jaw dropped in disbelief.  "What?  You're kidding."

            "Unfortunately, no.  And we're going to have help."

            "From who…?"

            Sephiroth opened the door as a knock sounded and the Turks filed in.  Tseng dropped into the nearest chair and the other two leaned against the near wall, yawning.  

            "So what's the plan, Oh Great General?" Reno asked

            Sephiroth sat down and looked at Tseng.  "The plan is to sit around and do nothing."

            "I get it!  You sit around here on 'vacation' while we sneak around and wait for the guy to strike!" Reno's hand punched the air for emphasis.

            "It's a spy, not an assassin," Rude said.  "Besides, who in their right mind would go on vacation here?" 

            "Exactly," Sephiroth said, "And this whole thing is Heidigger's idea, which is why we aren't going to lift a finger.  Even if there is a spy in Midgar, I highly doubt he's been getting any information back to Wutai."

            "What do you base this assumption on?" Tseng asked quietly.

            "President Shinra's inability to come up with even the slightest viable idea for a battle plan.  Anything a spy from Wutai would report would be passed off as completely laughable."

            "Besides," Zack said, "Shinra's idea of maximum secrecy includes telling his wife, all of his wife's friends, their families, their families' servants, their families' servants' tennis partners, and some idiot he bumped into the cafeteria the other day called Gerald."

            "So, only we and the rest of Midgar are to know.  Great."  Tseng rubbed his temples.

            "Does this mean I can go out, get drunk, and get paid for it?" Reno asked.  

            "Yes."

            "I'm out of here.  Come on, Rude."  The two Turks slipped out the door.

            The leader of the Turks leaned forward.  "What's Heidigger up too?"

            Zack shrugged.  "We don't know yet.  But, it is Heidigger, he could just be paranoid."

            Sephiroth shook his head.  "Rufus seems to think there is a spy and he's pretty damn sure that whoever it is will try to attach himself to me."

            "Along with every woman in a ten mile radius," Tseng said.

            "Not to mention the men," Zack smiled.  The General rolled his eyes.  

            Tseng stood.  "If this is the plan, I'll slink off into the shadows and grab the most likely idiot for execution.  Good day."

            Zack waved, "Later."  He smirked.  "Well, since we're not doing anything worthwhile, I'm going to see my girl."

            "The one in the slums?  Does she have a change of clothing or is that pink dress the only thing she owns?"

            "Come on, Seph, everyone knows you haven't changed cloths in years."

            A knock sounded at the door and Giles stepped in with a salute.  "I'm here to deliver a package from Vice President Shinra."

            "So you're a delivery boy now?" Sephiroth said, taking the small box.

            "I need the money, Sir."

            Zack stood and stretched.  "So what are you going to do with all this money you're earning?"

            Giles' eyes go glossy and he smiled lazily.  "I hope to own a chocobo."

            Sephiroth opened his mouth and closed it several times.  "And what if I just gave you a million gil…"

            Zack turned his back and bit his tongue in an effort to not laugh.  

            Giles' eyes lit up brighter than the sun.  "I'd get a great big chocobo in Costa del Sol."

            Zack shoved his fist in his mouth and shuddered.

            Sephiroth cringed and opened the box.  The Enemy Lure Materia glowed dimly in the fading sunlight coming through the window.  "Son of a bitch."

The Really, REALLY Early The Next Morning…

            A loud moan came from Reno's room.  "Oh, God, I'm dying…"

            Rude opened the door to find a mostly naked and rather green looking Reno lying in his bed.  The Turk rolled his eyes.  "You aren't dying."

            "Yes, I am.  Pray for me, Rude."

            "I know what's wrong with you and, unfortunately, it isn't fatal."  He turned back to his room.

            Reno sat up, holding his head in pain.  "I protest!  What I drank last night would have floored a dragon!"

            "If it was allergic to lemonade…"  Rude slammed the door and went back to bed.

The Next Morning (at a decent time when normal people get up)

            Zack waltzed into the sitting room, a huge grin plastered on his face.

            Sephiroth looked up from the newspaper at his friend suspiciously.  "It's eleven o'clock in the morning and you're moving around.  Is the bed on fire?"

            "No.  I just had the most extraordinary night."

            "And you defiled Miss Gainsborough.  I'm sure your mother would be proud."

            "Nah, I wasn't that lucky.  She just made me the best dinner ever and rubbed my feet."

            "You're a very simple man, Zack."

            "Yep.  And because I'm the simple one, you get to hold the Enemy Lure Materia.  Come on, let's go out and see who jumps you first."

            The two SOLDIERS wandered out of Shinra Headquarters. As soon as Sephiroth's foot hit the ground, four people flew from where they stood and collided with him. Hanging on with all their might, the three men and one woman apologized profusely, but refused to let go.

"Wow. That's the fastest acting materia I've ever seen." Zack peeled the woman off of the General. "I'll take her and you can have the rest."

"Thanks. I'll cherish this moment forever." 

A random guard ran over to pull one of the men off of Sephiroth while he attempted to shake off the other two. Attempted being the accurate word. Prying them off with Masamune wasn't working. 

"Where the hell are the Turks when you need them?"

"Right here, Seph." Tseng pulled the enemy lure materia from the band around Sephiroth's wrist. The two men hit the ground, found their feet, and ran directly into Rude and Reno.

"Hey, man, what's the rush?" Reno asked, lifting the guy by the collar.

"So which one is our spy?" Rude asked.

"Interrogation time!" Reno cracked his knuckles.

"Can I interrogate her? Alone?" Zack asked. The girl in his arms blushed.

"NO!" 

Zack cringed from the chorus. "Sorry, babe. Maybe next time." He set her on her feet. She immediately jumped on the General, knocking him to the ground.

"OWW!" Sephiroth gave her an annoyed look. She smiled sheepishly and shrugged.

"Well, we know she isn't the spy," Tseng said, "Come on, Miss, move along." You can jump the General's bones later." He picked her up and she ran off.

"That just leaves these three," Reno said, "Who's first?"

Sephiroth stood and brushed himself off. "I refuse to work today, so lets drop them in Heidigger's office and let him interrogate them."

Everyone's jaws dropped.

"You are an evil, evil man," Zack said.

A Day and an Execution Later...

Rufus looked at the two generals. "That taken care of, I'm sending back to the front."

"Thank God," Sephiroth said.

"You'll be getting new artillery at the front, courtesy of Scarlet."

"Great," Zack said.

"And Private Giles will be going back with you."

"Oh, hell," The General muttered.

Rufus stood and went over to the window, looking out on the city of Midgar and its grimy wonder. "When the two of you get back, I want the army to back off the western front and move to the nor..." he trailed off, staring wide eyed out the window. He looked back at Sephiroth, confused. "That spy you executed yesterday, are you sure he's dead?

"I cut his head off.  That usually does the trick."

"Oh… I guess Hojo got a hold of the body then."


	3. Episode Three: A Chocobo a Day!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Serious OOC-ness.

2nd Note:  I take requests. 

3rd Note: If you would like to kill Giles his address is 156 Hillcrest Lane, Nibelheim. (And I think he's the real reason Sephiroth blew up the place.)

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Three:  A Chocobo a Day… 

            The General sneezed for the seventh time in a row and reached for his handkerchief. 

           "Amazing. The mighty Sephiroth has the flu."

           "Stuff it, Zack." 

           "So, what do the doctors do when you get sick?"

           Sephiroth shrugged. "Never had anything Hojo didn't try to cure with Mako." He blew his nose. "Oh my head..."

           A tapping at the tent flap made them both look up. "Message from Headquarters, Sirs," Giles said.

           "Thank you," Sephiroth took the message and Zack snatched it away before he could sneeze on it.

           "Do you have a cold, Sir?"

           "No, I'm as perfectly healthy as a diseased rat."

           "That's good to hear, Sir. Don't want to be getting sick myself, you know?"

           Zack turned and banged his head against the nearest tent support.

           "But if you were getting the flu, Sir, I would recommend my mother's secret recipe to kill the common cold."

           Sephiroth sighed and took the bait. "Which is?"

           "Marlboro soup."

           "Oh dear God..." The generals both turned green.

           "Which, incidentally, is what's on the menu tonight."

           Both men knocked Giles to the ground as they ran for the latrine.

After Dinner... Which EVERYONE Skipped...

            Sephiroth lay on his back, an arm thrown over his eyes to keep the light from annoying his headache. "Zack, I think I'm going to die." 

           "Pfff... You're not that lucky, Seph. So do you want to know what that message said?"

           "Why not? It can't make me feel any worse than I do now."

           "Heidigger's coming for a visit."

           "I'm going to have to hurt you. Now what does the message say?"

           Zack just looked at him. 

           "Oh dear God... I hate my life. I have the flu and I have to deal with the worst personality in all of Midgar, and he's up against some stiff competition." 

           "He'll be here at eight o'clock sharp tomorrow morning."

           "Great. More than enough time to contemplate suicide."

           Zack leaned back in his chair. "You know, if he sees you're sick, he'll have Hojo stop by."

           Sephiroth sat up. "Son of a Bitch!" He looked around frantically. "I need a cure for this cold before he gets here."

           "You could try the soup."

           Sephiroth went green again and fell back onto the cot. "I swear, I'll throw up on you next."

           "I knew you loved me. You could try chocobo soup."

           "We promised we wouldn't eat anymore of them, remember?"

           "The message doesn't say Rufus is going to show up with a list to make sure we haven't eaten any chocobos. Giles!"

           The man entered the tent. "Yes, Sir!"

           "Kill a chocobo and make some chocobo soup for The General."

           Giles looked confused. "But I thought we weren't supposed to eat the chocobos."

           "This is a matter of life and death, soldier. Make the man some soup."

           "Are you sure you won't have the marlboro soup, Sir? My mother says it does wonders for the flu."

           Sephiroth sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the cot. "If this is the same mother you claimed you where genius enough to work at Shinra HQ, I'll treat her advice with extreme caution.  Now make me that soup."

One Bowl of Chocobo Soup and a Good Night's Sleep Later…

            Heidigger threw open the tent flap.  "Sorry I'm late."

            Sephiroth looked up from the map.  "Don't bother apologizing.  I'm sorry you're alive."

            "Well, all joking aside.  I'm here to inspect the troops."

            "Of course you are."

            "And I'm here to inspect the chocobos," Rufus said as he came in the tent.

            Sephiroth banged his head off the desk.  "You would be."

            "We'll just start then, shall we?" Rufus said, his patented smile of evil curling his lips.

            Sephiroth looked at Zack.  "Great.  Just great.  How do we get out of this one?"

            Zack thought for a bit, then pounded his fist into his palm.  "I've got it.  Wait here."  A minute later, Zack came back into the tent with a nervous looking blond kid.  "Seph, meet Cloud."

            "He looks like a deer caught in headlights."

            "Well, he is a dear and, to be fair, your eyes are headlights."

            Sephiroth blinked his glowing green eyes several times.  The kid remained frozen in place, blue eyes wide.  "He looks like the misbegotten child of a chocobo and President Shinra."

            "Exactly," Zack said, "We're going to put him in a sack with only his head sticking out, throw him in the chocobo corral and Rufus will count Cloud as one of the rest."

            "It'll never work."

            "Hop in the bag, Cloud."  Zack opened a sack and the boy obediently jumped in.  The three went to the corral and dropped Cloud in.  "Remember to make chocobo noises," he whispered.  The generals walked around to the front of the corral and stood behind Rufus as he counted.  He passed over the fluffy Cloud head without comment.

            "Amazing, they're all here."  Rufus turned to the generals.  "So what have you been eating?"

            "Marlboro soup," Zack said.

            Rufus shuddered violently.  "I'll have real food sent to you."

            "We'll only eat it if you promise not to let Hojo touch it."

            "I swear on my father's grave."

            "Your father isn't dead yet," Zack said.

            Rufus blinked several times.  "Damn."  He shrugged.  "Tell Heidigger to get his ass back here."

            "Going, going…" Zack mumbled as he wandered off in search of the witless oaf.

            The General and the Vice President stood in silence for a moment, watching the chocobos lazily peck at the ground, before Rufus leaned toward Sephiroth.  "Who's idea was it to put the blond kid in the sack?"

            Sephiroth just looked at him.

            "Right."  He sighed.  "I'm sending you both on vacation for two weeks in Costa del Sol.  Try to come back sane."


	4. Episode Four: The Lion, The Whip, and Z...

This Army Life 

By Nicolle

1st Note:  A BIG 'Thank You!' to all my reviewers.  And, yes, I have seen MASH.  I'm a big time 'Hawkeye' Pierce Fan.  However, 'This Army Life' is more of a parody of 'The Blackadder.'  If you haven't seen it, find it and gobble it up.  It has four seasons, nine specials, and a guarantee to kill you with laughter.

2nd Note:  Knowledge is power.  Power Corrupts.  Study Hard.  Be Evil.  Like Rufus.

3rd Note:  OOC-ness ahead.

4th Note:  The 'We Hate Giles' Club will have its first meeting on Tuesday at 6:30.  Special guest speaker:  General Sephiroth.

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.  Several more apologies to C.S. Lewis.

Episode Four:  The Lion, The Whip, and Zack's Wardrobe!

            "Permission to speak, Sir."

            Zack cringed and looked up at Giles.  "Granted, with a due wonder as to why you even ask.  You normally just open your mouth anyway."

            "I have a cunning plan to find out if The General is gay."

            "The bondage gear Seph calls clothing aside, what makes you think he's gay?"

            "Well, he's surrounded by men all the time and he doesn't associate with women all that often."

            Zack leaned back in his chair.  "Has it occurred to you, Giles, that the same could be said of you?"

            "But that's because I'm in the army."

            "Exactly."

            "I don't understand."

            "Of course you don't."

            Sephiroth stuck his head in the tent.  "Message from the President.  We're ordered back to Midgar and apparently, its top secret."

            "Which means all of Midgar knows."  Zack stood and brushed himself off.  "Onward!  To Stupidity!"

Back into the Black Pit of Hell…

            Rufus looked up from his desk at the knock on the door.  Rude stood from the window and took up position behind the Vice President.  "Come in."

            Sephiroth and Zack marched into the office and everyone relaxed.  "You wanted to see us?"

            Rufus frowned.  "Actually, my father wanted to see you, Seph."  He looked around.  "Its break time.  And take Zack with you."

            Tseng flipped the brunette over his shoulder and marched out the door, Rude and Reno following behind.  The door shut with an ominous click.

            Rufus took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  He closed his eyes.  "I know what my father is planning.  I'm going to apologize now."

            Sephiroth dropped into a chair.  "Oh God, what has he done?"

            "It's not what he's done; it's what he's going to do.  Just remember, I had nothing to do with it.  If you must hurt someone, hurt Palmer."

            "You're not inspiring confidence, Rufus."

            "As insurance, I'm locking myself in the vault.  Masamune is a beautiful weapon, but she can't go through six feet of solid steel."

            Sephiroth stood and looked at the door to the President's office.  "Come on, Rufus, you know I wouldn't dull my blade on that.  Situations like that call for materia."  He walked into the President's office without knocking.  Rufus ran for the basement.  After a funereal silence that filled the entire building, a scream bubbled up from the depths:

            "YOU WANT ME TO DO WHAT?!?!?!?!?!"

Meanwhile…

            Zack looked at himself in the mirror.  He shifted a bit, getting the feel of the new jacket.  The snazzy new pants fit like a glove.  "What do you think?"

            "I think Aeris is going to love it," Tseng said. 

            "Yeah, it almost looks good on you," Reno smirked as he put his feet up.

"But is it impressive is the question," Zack said, turning to get a look from the back.

Reno took a bite out of his candy bar. "I said it almost looks good on you. At no point did I mention that it was impressive."

            The door flew open with a terrible rush and standing in the doorway was a VERY pissed off Sephiroth grasping a whip like he was strangling it.  The wind whipped his long hair around, his coat flapped like a cape, and his green eyes glowed bright enough to light up the entire room.  

            "Now THAT looks impressive," Reno said.

            The General looked at Zack.  "You'd better take that off."

            Zack looked down at Sephiroth's hand.  "So you want to whip me as I run naked through the streets?"

            "No, I'm going to kill Shinra, but that's only after we train the lions."  He threw the whip to Zack.  The wind knocked out of his sails, Sephiroth sat in the nearest chair.  "Why me?  Wasn't being raised by Hojo enough?"  He put his head in his hands.

            Zack knelt next to his friend and petted his silver hair.  "Okay, Seph, just tell me what happened.  It'll be all right."

            "No, it won't."

            "Hush, hush…  Now come on…"

            "He wants a platoon of trained lions."

            Everyone in the room froze.  

            Tseng blinked several times.  "What?"

            "He wants a platoon of trained lions.  Zack and I are going to do the training.  Because, and I quote, 'We're the head of the army.'"

            Reno rolled his eyes.  "And you know what the lions need to know, right?"

            Sephiroth nodded.

            "Thought so."

            "So the whip is for the lions," Rude said.

            "Yes.  Because, you have to have a whip to train lions."  The General sat up.  "I want to kill him.  I want to kill him so much."

             "We'll kill him later. So where are these lions?" Tseng asked.

            Sephiroth looked up. "Guess?"

            "Hojo's lab," Zack replied.

             A communal groan issued forth from the Turks.

            "He named the big one Aslan."

            "Why does that make me feel dirty?" Tseng asked.

             "I'm out of here," Reno said as he stood, "Good luck training them lions."

            "Thanks," Sephiroth muttered as the Turks fled. He looked up at Zack. "Why are you wearing that?"

             "Do ya think Aeris will like it?"

             "I'm going out on a limb here, but I don't think she cares what you're wearing so long as it's clean."

            "Good point." Zack took off the new clothes, his old ones still on underneath.  "Let's," he shuddered, "train those lions."

            Four Days Worth of Humiliation Later...

             "Thank god that's over. The lions are trained. They're on their way to the front. We can go back to screwing off."

             "I still want to kill Shinra."

            "Settle down, Seph. We're almost home. You can have a nice big..."

            "What?"

            "Nothing. A nice big nothing. There's no food out there."

            Sephiroth cocked his head to the side. "So, what are we supposed to feed the lions, Mr. Supply-N-Demand?"

            "Giles?"

            "Suddenly, I feel a whole lot better."

            On the Wutai Front

            "At ease, Giles, we're just dropping our bags," Zack said. He fell into his chair, put his feet up and rested his hands on his chest.

            Sephiroth dropped his bag and looked out of the tent. "Where are the lions?"

             "What lions, Sir?"

             "The ones that got here earlier this morning."

             "Oh, the big cats? Nasty critters, but we're the ones laughing now, right?"

            Zack looked up. "Giles, what did you do to the lions."

             "Well, I figured since we've run out of food, we might as well eat what's available. It took us a while, but we managed to roast all of them. They'll feed us for weeks."

            Sephiroth sighed. "And I really wanted to feed you to them."


	5. Episode Five: Shinobi!

This Army Life  

By Nicolle

1st Note: Kakashi is the role-playing creation of a guy I know. I had to live with this stupidity for a year and a half, now you and Sephiroth shall live with it as well. 

2nd Note: I apologize to all Zack fans now.

3rd Note: If you suffer from sudden, inexplicable urges to put Cloud in a sack, please consider putting Giles in the sack instead… and then throwing it in the river.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Five: Shinobi!

     "I charge you with this one, sacred task, Kakashi. You must kill Sephiroth."

     "It will be an honor, Lord Godo." The young man turned and valiantly marched out of the hall, only to trip on the carpet, fly out the door, and fall down the steps.

     "Lord Godo," a retainer whispered, "why send him to kill The General Sephiroth? He is an idiot and ill trained."

     "Because, the sooner he dies, the sooner Wutai wins this war."

Back on the Wutai Front

     "So, what are you going to do when this war is over, Zack?"

     Zack shrugged and lay back on the grass, looking up at the stars. "Don't know. Might pop a ring on Aeris."

     "I have a suggestion for you."

     Zack turned his head toward the glowing green. "Yeah?"

     "Buy her some clothes instead."

     "Oh, come on, Seph. I love that pink dress!"

     "Then screw Aeris. Marry the dress."

     "You're insufferable."

     "Actually, I'm miserable. You're insufferable." Sephiroth sat up. "How do you do it, Zack? I can get a hundred women to fawn all over me, but you manage to keep them. How does that work?"

     "Well, it has nothing to do with any secret trick. It has everything to do with everyone, including the women you have slept with, thinking you're gay."

     Sephiroth blinked several times. "You're kidding."

     "Nope."

     "Damn."

     "Yep."

     "How do I fix that?"

     "Can't."

     "What?"

     "Nope."

     "Really."

     "Not a chance."

     "You're as about as much use to me as a hole in the head, Zack."

     "I aim to please!" 

     The two friends both looked to the right, eyes tracking a loose shadow. 

     "You see that?" The General asked.

     "I think its just Cloud spying on us again."

     "Damn if that boy isn't strange."

     Zack shrugged. "Trust me; once you get to know him, he's actually pretty cool. He's just overly shy."

     "And a voyeur..."

     Both heads snapped to the left.

     "That's not Cloud." Both men stood up.

     Suddenly, a black clad figure flew through the air, sword gleaming in the moonlight. Sephiroth and Zack each took a step back, and the man hit the ground, face first. Jumping up, the man whispered, "SHINOBI!" and ran off.

     The General blinked.  "What the hell was that?"

     "I think it was supposed to be an assassin."

     "Bloody pathetic assassin if you ask me." Sephiroth turned and went to bed.

     Cloud snuck out of the shadows with a rather unconscious Wutai ninja. "Uh, Zack? What do I do with him?"

     Zack shrugged. "Tie him to a tree in the woods and cover him with honey?"

The Next Morning 

     The General and Zack walked through the camp, inspecting the men. A honey covered Wutai ninja stood at attention at the end of the line.

     "So, Seph? What's it like to not have a family?"

     Sephiroth shrugged. "I don't know. What's it like to come from a collection of inbred mutants?"

     Zack snorted. "You're such a freak of nature."

     They stopped at the honey drenched man. 

     "You don't see me," he whispered.

     "Well, I wish I couldn't. There's a stream down the road. Go drown yourself in it."

     Zack tapped The General on the shoulder. "Seph? That's not Giles."

     Sephiroth stopped and really looked at the man. "You're right. It's the assassin from Wutai."

     "I don't exist," he whispered.

     "You won't when those ants crawling up your leg finish eating you."

     Kakashi looked down at his legs. "My life is nearly at an end! Die, Sephiroth!" He lunged at The General and Sephiroth stepped out of the way. The ninja crashed to the ground and rolled into Giles, throwing the Private into a tent. 

     Zack and Seph shrugged, turned, and continued inspecting the troops.

Two Days and a Nearly Fatal Dinner Later...

      "Zack? I'm bored."

      "It has been rather slow this week."

      Giles came in the tent. "Message from Shinra, Sirs!"

      "Great. What's it say?" Zack asked.

      "President Shinra would like The General to sneak into enemy territory and assassinate Lord Godo."

      "A stealth mission? They want me to ninja Wutai?" 

      "You can't do that. Your eyes glow in the dark!"

      "Not to mention that all of Wutai knows to shoot when they see green." Sephiroth took the message, looked it over, and set it on fire in the palm of his hand. "How the hell does he expect me to do this?"

      "Permission to speak, Sir!"

      Sephiroth sighed. "Permission granted, with a due sense of exhaustion and dread."

      "I have a cunning plan, Sir. Why not brainwash the Wutai assassin into thinking Lord Godo is you?"

      "Oh my God, Giles. That's brilliant!"

      "Really, Sir? Permission to write home immediately, Sir!  This is the first cunning plan a Giles ever had!  For years we've tried, and the plans always turned out to be total pig-swill.  My mother will be the happiest mother on earth!"

            "There's just one problem, Giles.  He's too stupid to be brainwashed."

            "DEATH TO SEPHIROTH!"  Kakashi slammed through the tent, trashed everything inside, minus The General, and landed in an unconscious pile on the floor.

            Sephiroth smiled.  "I have a better idea."

Five Minutes of Prep Later

            "Zack?  We're going to Midgar."

            Zack got up.  "What?!  Why?!"

            Sephiroth's Evil Smile™ curled his lips.  "I have a plan so cunning you can pin a tail on it and call it a weasel.  We're going to give President Shinra a present."  He turned.  "I've already packed your bags for you.  Follow me to the train."

            "You're scaring me, Seph."  He stepped on the train and looked at the crumpled form of the ineffectual assassin.  "What happened to him?"

            "He tripped on a tent spike and flew head long into the ground."

            "And what are we doing with him?"

            "We're giving him to Shinra."  Sephiroth kicked Kakashi.  The assassin woke up, looked around, and then jumped to his feet.

            "Shinobi!" he whispered, and ran straight into a wall.

            Sephiroth pulled out a picture of the President.  He grabbed the assassin by the hair and waved the picture in front of the assassin's face.  "Look at this.  This is Sephiroth.  You want to kill him."

            "Death to Sephiroth!"  He grabbed the picture out of The General's hand.

            "Right."

            "I hope you know what you're doing, Seph."

            "Don't worry, Zack.  We won't feel a thing."

At Shinra HQ

            "Hello, Rufus," Sephiroth said as he dragged the Wutai assassin behind him.

            "Hello, Seph…"  Rufus looked up from his desk.  "What the hell is that?"

            "This is for your father."  He opened the door to President Shinra's office and threw the assassin in.  A scream and the sound of glass breaking came through the door.

            "Are you trying to kill my father, Seph?" 

            ('My vase!  No!  Not the picture of mommy!')

            "Unfortunately, that assassin couldn't kill a chocobo if we tied it down and surrounded it with Chocobo Lure.  The worst he'll do is trash the place."

            The assassin crashed through the door, looked around frantically, ran smack into a wall.

            "See what I mean?"

            Rufus put his paperwork down and looked at The General.  "I'm sensing anger here."

            "Damn straight.  The next time your father decides I'm a ninja, take that god damn shotgun of yours and blow him away."

            Rufus raised an eyebrow.  "Only if you promise to kill Heidigger and Palmer."

            "Deal."

            They shook hands.

            Rufus looked around.  "Where's the assassin?"

            "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            They both looked out the window.  Zack was running down the street… naked.  Kakashi ran behind him, sword raised. 

            "SHINOBI!"

            Rufus nodded.  "Well, that was interesting."


	6. Episode Six: A Formal Affair!

The Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  This story is also a contest of sorts.  Here are the rules:  Everyone at the party is dressed as someone from an anime or video game.  Post your guesses as reviews or email me with 'Army Life Contest' as the subject line.  No, there aren't any prizes, but I'll announce the winner on the posting of Episode Seven along with a list of who was who.  I will also post a list of the people who successfully guess who Sephiroth is dressed as.  It's REALLY obscure.  The contest will end on Sunday, April 18th, 2004 at midnight eastern central time.  Get Your Guess On!

2nd Note:  OOC-ness ahead, but absolutely no real plot.

3rd Note:  The 'We Hate Giles' Club will have its second meeting on Friday.  Pot Luck!  Bring a covered dish and Aeris will cover desert!  Yum!

4th Note:  I really, REALLY, mean it.  There is no plot for this.  It is completely and totally plot-less. 

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Six:  A Formal Affair!

            "Oh Seph, you're going to love this."

            Sephiroth took the message from Zack.  He read it once, blinked, read it a second time, and tore it up in a fit of rage before storming out of the tent.

            "Uh, Sir?"

            Zack looked up at Giles.  "Yes?"

            "Why is The General so angry?"

            "The President is having a party.  A masquerade, in fact."

            "So what's the problem, Sir?"

            Zack smiled.  "The President ordered The General to wear a specific costume.  An order which he's most likely going to ignore."

After Several Tries

            "Will you hold still?"

            "I can't help it, it tickles."

            "You're a Turk!  Act like it!"

            "It still tickles."

            "You're impossible."  A moment later, she pulled back and looked at his hand.  "There.  All done."

Masquerade!  Paper faces on parade!  Masquerade!  Hide your face… (I better stop before I'm sued…)

  
            Sephiroth disengaged himself from the crowd of young, female Shinra executives and made his way over to Rufus.  "I'm going to kill your father."

            "I know.  Nice ears by the way.  And the blue skin suits you."

            "Thanks.  So did Scarlet massacre your hair or did you do that to yourself?"

            Rufus put a white gloved hand through his suddenly short cropped hair.  "It'll grow out in a week or so, blue-boy."  

            "Makes me glad I decided against the red coat and making Zack dress up as a gun toting priest."

            "Yes, because we all know Zack is filled with mercy."  He looked around.  "Where is Zack?"

            "Orange gi.  Over there.  He spiked his hair up a bit more."

            "Great.  Porcupine central."  Rufus spied Scarlet coming their way.  "Shit.  On the count of three, scatter.  Three!"  The General and Rufus disappeared into the crowd just as Scarlet reached the punch bowl.  

            She looked around, and then adjusted the long black wig on her head.  "Well, that was as subtle as a chocobo's beak up the ass."

            Reno and Rude made their way through the crowd. 

            Reno waved.  "Hey, Scarlet, nice armor.  Is this the part where you kill me for being gallant?"

            Scarlet sighed.  "You wouldn't know gallant if it bit you in the face, Reno.  And what the hell are you supposed to be?  A wandering vagabond?  I mean really.  That old, red gi is falling apart on you.  And the scar is on the wrong side of your face.  Honestly…"  She looked Rude up and down appreciatively.  "You look good in the uniform.  The blonde wig looks good on you."

            Rude shrugged and held up a little model.  "I even made the mobile suit to go with it."  He shook it and was surprised when nothing fell off.  

            "You better be careful, Rude.  Hojo's here.  He might get an idea, build the Tallgeese, and cybernically implant you in it."

            "What's with the red eye shadow, babe?" Reno asked.

            "It just shows that I'm evil."

            Reno snorted.  "You don't need eye shadow for that."

            Scarlet gave him the evil eye.  "Why don't you go over there and talk to Palmer?"

            "Because if I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have picked one up off the snack bar."

            Rude looked at the large pig.  "Which part is Palmer and which part is Heidigger?"

            "Who knows?  I think the pig should just have two asses.  It would make more sense."  Scarlet stopped dead and nearly dropped her glass.  "Is that Tseng?"

            Reno nodded.  "Yeah."

            "I think I'm going to orgasm."

            "No comment." Reno said as he and Rude walked away.

            Zack adjusted the gi.  "See, I even managed to get the King Kai symbol on the back!  Cool, huh?"

            Tseng rolled his eyes.  "I can't believe you know how to dress yourself."

            Zack snorted.  "Since it's so obvious, what woman dressed you?  You look really slick with that hat."

            "I dressed myself, but Aeris drew the face on my hand."  He held up his hand and the cute 'evil' face grimaced at the world.  "It tickled like crazy."

            Sephiroth joined the pair.  "Nice sword, Tseng."

            "Thanks.  The skull armbands do wonders for you.  Too bad there's no princess for you to kidnap.  So, how bad is Shinra pissed off that you didn't wear the dress?"

            Sephiroth looked at the President.  "Don't know.  Don't care.  Besides which, he didn't even dress up for this humiliation.  Let's kill him."

            "Later, Seph.  We can kill him later.  Besides, Reeve is over there, freaking him out."  They all looked to find a black cloaked Reeve in a white mask, with what looked like onyx studs embedded in it, following a very frightened President Shinra around the party.

            "Looks like he's waiting for Shinra to turn into a young school girl so he can slave after her," Tseng said.

            "We are such sick people," Sephiroth said, "So what gives?  Why the big party, and in costume?"

            "The President has put this together in order to have everyone around to thwart an assassin."

            "What makes him think anyone will save him?"

            Tseng picked up the edge of his long cape and smacked Rufus with it.  

            Rufus rolled his eyes and joined them.  "Yes, my half-breed beauty and blue-skinned prince?"

            "What makes your father think we'll save him if someone tries to kill him?" The General asked.

            Rufus looked around.  "Not sure.  I know I'm looking the other way."

            The President wandered over.  "So, are we enjoying the party, everyone?"

            "Smashing," Rufus said, "Couldn't think of anything better to do with my time."

            "It's an impressive gala event," the President said, looking around proudly.

            "I was more impressed by the contents of my tissue the last time I blew my nose," The General said.

            "What?"  The President looked at Sephiroth.  "Well, General, that certainly isn't the costume I sent you.  You would have looked good in it."

            "Yes, well, would you excuse me for a moment?  I have some urgent business.  There's a bucket outside I'm going to be sick into."  Sephiroth walked out of the room.

            The President walked away, confused.

            "That's right, Dad.  Let's humiliate the man who can set the place on fire with his mind."  Rufus sighed.  "What an ass.  He can't be my father.  Please, someone tell me I'm a bastard."

            "You're a bastard, Rufus," Scarlet obliged.

            "Thank you, insufferable demon-worshipping bitch."

            "Well, I'll leave you two love birds to find a broom closet," Zack said.  He turned and spotted Rude and Reno dragging a roughed up and *blue* haired Cloud behind them.  He rushed over.  "What are you doing to him?"

            Rude looked up.  "He's going to ride the pig."

            Reno lifted Cloud.  "Just remember to smack the pig's ass."  

            Zack watched, mystified, as a smack, a squeal, and the back end of a huge pig slammed into the front end.  Cloud rode the damn thing around the room and everyone would swear for the next twenty years that it was the most action Heidigger and Palmer ever had.

            Sephiroth stood next to Zack.  "Well, this is turning out to be a bad idea.  When did he sneak on the train?"

            "Before we even got on."

            "He's a stalker, Zack."

            Zack shrugged.  "He's a good kid.  Beat up that Wutai assassin for you."

            "A paraplegic gerbil could have beaten up that assassin.  Hell, an inanimate object could have beaten up that assassin." 

            "But aren't a paraplegic gerbil and an inanimate object basically the same thing?"

            Rufus came up to the pair.  "We have to end this now.  There's no assassin and I haven't gotten laid yet."

            "That's because you're dressed like a psycho," Sephiroth said.

            "So are you and Tseng."

            "Actually, I'm an anti-hero and Tseng has that, 'Oh I'm so tragic!' thing going for him."

            "Damn."

            The President stepped up to Rufus.  "Is there a problem, my boy?"

            "Yes.  Why are we doing this?"

            The President shrugged.  "I wanted to see The General wear a dress."

            The General's eyes blazed with green fire.  "The assassin is here."  

            Zack and Tseng grabbed Sephiroth and dragged him out of the room before he could kill the President.


	7. Episode Seven: Game Day!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  We have a tie!  The Stick Rabbit and Canyon A. Lynn have the most correct answers.  The person who managed to guess who Sephiroth was dressed up as is: Heather (by paper copy).  Congrats to everyone, especially the Sephiroth guesser.  And as for my lovely betas who read and guessed every single person, you don't count.  You knew the answers ahead of time.   The answers for the contest are at the end of the story.

2nd Note:  It's soccer, people!

3rd Note:  Next meeting of the We Hate Giles Club on Saturday.  Topic for Discussion:  Is there anything lower on the evolutionary scale, or is Giles the bottom?

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square- Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Eight:  Game Day!

            "Look here, Seph!  I got tickets for the game!"  Zack waved three tickets for the Kalm Town Cougars versus Midgar's Zombie Nation.

            "Perfect!  Wait…  Why are there three tickets?"

            "I thought Aeris could come along."

            Seph breathed a sigh of relief.  "Oh thank God, I thought it was for Giles."

            Private Giles popped his head in the tent.  "Did you need me, Sir?"

            "When I need you, Giles, I'll shoot myself in the head first."

            "Right, Sir." Giles disappeared.

            "Now all we have to do is sneak away from the front," Zack said.

            "And don't you think that the army will notice us missing?  Or do I hear the words 'I have a cunning plan' marching toward us with ill deserved confidence?"

            Zack smiled brightly.  "We take Cloud, dip his head in a bucket of brown hair dye and he can stand in for me.  Then we take Giles…"

            "STOP!"  Sephiroth stood there looking horrified.  "If that sentence ends with, 'And we put a wig on Giles,' I will kill you, Zack."

            Zack sat back and put his hands behind his head.  "All right then.  What do you suggest, Oh general, my general?"

            "We tell the men and Shinra that we are going on a secret mission into Wutai to route some of the encampments."

            "Hey, more cunning than my plan."

            "Zack, you wouldn't know a cunning plan if it ran around with a neon pink sack on screaming, 'Cunning Plan! Cunning Plan!'"

Message Sent, Orders Given, Attempting to Leave:  Take One

            Sephiroth picked up his bag just as the raid whistles started blowing.  "Son of a bitch."  He dropped his bag and picked up Masamune.

            Giles ran in.  "Sir!  Sir!  Wutai is attacking!"

            "I know!  Get down!"

               "Why, Sir?"

               "Because there's an attack going on and I don't want to have to write to your mother at the Midgar Zoo and tell her that her only human child is dead."  He ran out of the tent to find Zack walking toward him, the Buster Sword over his shoulder.

               "Its okay, Seph.  False alarm."

               Sephiroth sighed.

Attempting to Leave:  Take Two 

            Zack threw a can of Silly String into his bag and ran out of the tent, into Giles.  They both hit the ground, holding their heads.

            "Ow!  What is it, Giles?"

            "Well, Sir, I was wondering if I could come on that mission with you.  I mean, it's really boring when you and The General aren't around."

            "No."

            "But I'm really good at sneaking around."

            "No, you aren't."

            "I'll stay out of the way."

            "No, you won't."

            "I really want to see The General fight.  It's really impressive."

            "That may be the case, still, no."  Zack stood up.  "Giles, you do realize that Sephiroth is going to kill you if you try to follow us."

            "But how do you know that?"

            "Just a wild stab in the dark which is incidentally what you'll be getting if you don't follow orders," Sephiroth said as he stepped up behind Giles.  The young man fled.

            They both sighed.

Attempting to Leave:  Third Time's the Charm!

            Giles latched on to Zack's leg, which was the least likely leg to kill him.

            "Please!  I want to go with you!  I have to make my mother proud of me!"

            Zack shook him off and made a mad dash for the train.  Giles tackled him.

            "Please!"

            Out of nowhere, a head of spiky blond hair appeared and Giles lay unconscious at Zack's feet.  Cloud picked the man up, threw him over his shoulders, and gave Zack a thumbs up.  "See you when you get back."

And Finally… The Game!

            Aeris stood at the gate in her pink dress of doom, as Sephiroth liked to call it.  Zack ran up to Aeris and lifted her up in the air for a hug. "Hey, Babe! I missed ya!"

Aeris hugged him back while looking over his shoulder. "Sephiroth."

"Aeris." He nodded to her. "Still living in the slums?"

"Still eating chocobos?"

"So when are you going to change clothes?  Or is that all you have?"

"For your information, Seph, I happen to own a lot of pink dresses. And I know for a fact that the bondage gear you call clothing is all you have."

"So what amount of money would it take to make you move out of Midgar?"

"None. But I will take a donation for my church."

They stared each other down in silence.

"I'll make a donation under one condition. You have to use some of the money to buy a new dress. And it can't be pink."

"Done." They shook hands and Sephiroth handed her his wallet.

Zack put his girlfriend down. "You two are getting on as well as ever. Come on. The game awaits!"

They made their way to their seats.

Aeris sat between the boys. "Okay, guys, Rock-Paper-Scissors for concession. One. Two. Three!"

Aeris and Zack had scissors and Sephiroth had paper. He sighed and stood. Pulling out his other wallet, he took orders and wandered down to the concession stand. Sephiroth picked up the hot dogs and pop corn just as a mass of red hair got in his face.

"Secret mission, Seph? More like going AWOL," Reno snickered.

Balancing the food with one hand, he grabbed the Turk by the collar with the other. "Reno, I'm going to beat you like a red-headed stepchild."

"I *AM* a red-headed stepchild."

"Then the sensation will be acutely familiar."

Reno put up his hands in surrender. "Hey, man! I'm playing hooky too! I'm not gonna bust ya!"

"What makes you think I don't want to just pound the hell out of you anyway?"

Reno looked thoughtful for a second. "Because the food in your other hand would hit the floor."  
Sephiroth let go of him. "So who else is here?"

"Rude and Tseng."

"Hmmm..." Sephiroth went back to his seat and handed out food. "The Turks are here."

"Damn," Zack said in between bites of food.

"They're AWOL too."

Aeris looked around for Tseng and froze, blinking when she looked behind her chair. "Uh... guys?"

Zack and Sephiroth turned and came face to face with an amused Rufus lounging in the chair behind them. 

"Son of a bitch," Zack whispered.

Sephiroth just looked at Rufus. "It would be a shame to bury the son before the father."

Rufus yawned. "I figured, since the Turks were skipping out on work today, I would too. Besides, a secret mission into Wutai? Your eyes glow in the dark, Seph. And Wutai knows to shoot when it sees green."

"Your father fell for it," Zack said.

"He also came up with it months ago," Sephiroth said. "I'm just making use of good material."

"I thought you had more taste than to use my father's material."

"It was meant to fool him, not you."

"I guess that means you have respect for me."

"Hmm...?" Sephiroth looked around. 

"You're a little bitch, you know that."

"Language, Rufus! There's a young woman sitting with us."

"Yes. And I believe it's the same young woman Hojo's been trying to get ahold of for a while now."

Aeris' head whipped around, eyes flashing. "You wanna try me, Blondie?"

"Not with Zack and Tseng in the crowd." 

"Smart move," Zack said. He frowned. "Oh no. Who invited Palmer?"

The walrus-like man sat down next to Rufus, who shuddered. Palmer looked around. "Well! Back from the mission already, Generals? You two really are amazing! And who's this lovely little bird?"

"She's not a bird, Palmer, she's a flower," Sephiroth said.

The entire group snickered, except for Palmer, who looked at them all stupidly.

After looking around in confusion for a full five minutes, the Shinra executive asked, "So who are we rooting for? Midgar, right?"

"What? Shinra's here?" Sephiroth looked around vaguely and then at Palmer. "Ah, right, I always get confused between the sound of President Shinra and the sound of an idiot wasting everybody's time."

"We're rooting for the Cougars, Palmer. And if you try to root for Zombie Nation, I'll push you down the stairs," Rufus said.

"Guys? Game's starting," Aeris said.

Kalm Town Cougars - 10; Midgar's Zombie Nation - 3

Zack and Sephiroth followed Aeris out of the stadium and walked her to the train to Midgar. 

"Remember, Flower Girl, the dress can't be pink."

Aeris rolled her eyes. "I'll remember, Seph. Geez..."

"In fact, make sure its black leather. It'll be Zack's dream come true."

Aeris opened her mouth to say something and stopped when she saw Zack suddenly blush a deep cherry red. "Zack!" Pursing her lips, an evil gleam lit in her eyes. "So, Seph, what do you like to see a girl wear?"

Not taking the bait, he answered, "Clothing. Preferably clothing that fits."

"You're no fun, Seph."

He gave her that half smile that showed all teeth and a whole lot of smugness. 

Zack, having recovered, decided it was time for some payback. "So, Aeris, if you could dress Bondage-Boy here, what would you make him wear?"

"Hmm..." Aeris started walking backwards to get a good look at The General. "A big, billowy poet shirt and a normal pair of slacks."

"Hey! You never try to put me in that stuff!"

"Maybe that's because you'd look bad in it, Zack," Sephiroth mused while looking off in the other direction.

"Bingo."

Zack picked her up. "You're a mean little girl." They rubbed noses.

"She may have the weak body of a Flower Girl, but she has the mind of a master criminal."

"Thank you, Seph."

Zack set Aeris down and she ran for her train. "Come visit me soon! I'll make dinner. And you better come too, Sephiroth!"

They both waved as the train pulled away.

"She'll try to poison me, you know."

"Yeah, but she's merciful. It won't taste like Giles' cooking."

A Formal Affair Answers:

Sephiroth – Prince Sincline or Lotor (Go-Lions aka Voltron)

Zack – Son Goku (Dragonball Z)

Rufus – Knives (Trigun)

President Shinra – himself

Reno – Himura Kenshin (RuroKen)

Reeve – Larva (Vampire Princess Miyu) 

Heidigger –Back half of Grunty (dot.HACK)

Palmer – Front half of Grunty (dot.HACK)

Cloud – Making a brief appearance as Kite (dot.HACK)

Scarlet – Demon Priestess Kayura or Lady Kyra (Yodorien Samurai Troopers aka Ronin Warriors)

Tseng – D (Vampire Hunter D)

Rude – Zechs Merquise or Milliardo Peacecraft (Gundam Wing)

Hojo – why the hell is he there?


	8. Episode Eight: Black Egg!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  I don't believe you got the full scope of just what Kakashi is, so I'm giving you another dose of the idiot.

2nd Note:  OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note:  I work at the main library of a rather large university, and we're hitting the end of the semester.  This means that the updates maybe a little slow for the next two weeks.  And before you say, 'How can a library be busy?' you try dealing with 5 million books everyday, 500,000 of which are circulating constantly. 

4th Note:  Giles' cooking may suck, but it does have its uses.

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Eight:  Black Egg:  The Return of Shinobi!

            "Only I can lead you to victory against Wutai. I know all their secrets, all of their plans, and all of their tactics. The General will never be able to defeat them. His pretty face is an indication that he has nothing more than a soft heart. I am prepared to serve you for the betterment of Shinra and the world. I will make you glorious!"

           The President nodded enthusiastically while Rufus resisted the urge to bang his head off an extremely hard object.

           "I also believe that The General is incompetent and wholly unable to lead the army. I ask that you allow me to infiltrate his men so that I may be able to give reports of what's really going on at the front."

           The President rapidly filled out the necessary paperwork and the Wutai assassin known as Kakashi slipped out the door. Rufus had a sudden urge to make for the window and jump to his death. Instead, he found Reno and two found a bar to get plastered in.

On the Wutai Front

            Sephiroth stretched. "I don't know about you, Zack, but it looks like it's going to be a good day to do nothing."

           "Hungry?"

           The General's eyes narrowed suspiciously. "What's for dinner?"

           "A la king and fricassee."

           "What's the difference?"

           "Depends on how long Giles marinates the rat in a mud puddle."

           Sephiroth looked ill. "When is the Flower Girl cooking us dinner?"

           "Whenever we go back to Midgar."

           Giles popped his head into the tent. "New recruits are arriving, Sirs!"

            "Great. We'll be out in a minute," Zack said. He stood, stretching. "Ready to whip some new kids into shape?"

           Sephiroth's Evil Smile™ surfaced. "Don't you mean whip them into fearing me like a god?" 

            "Why do I always have this feeling that you're a power mad psycho?"

           Sephiroth blinked and looked innocent. "It's the clothes."

           Zack eyed him suspiciously. "So after the inspection, we send them on their first mission?"

           "Like lambs before the slaughter."

           The generals wandered down the line, checking names and the preparedness of the recruits. Sephiroth got to the end of the line and stopped dead. He looked to his right. "So when did Shinra start recruiting from Wutai?"

           "You don't see me," Kakashi whispered.

           "Interesting response. Still trying to kill me?"

           "I'm not here. Black egg."

           "Black egg?"

           "I don't exist. Black egg."

           "Oohkay..." Sephiroth looked at Zack as he made his way down the other side of the line. "Yo! Zack! I need a hand when you're done."

           "For what?" he yelled.

           "To throw out some garbage."

           Zack walked over and blanched. "What the hell are you doing here?"

           Kakashi looked up at them slyly. "I don't know what you're talking about."

           The generals looked at each other, then back to the Wutai assassin.

           "Giles!" Sephiroth yelled.

           The private materialized. "Did you need me, Sir?"

           "Like an infection that can't be cured," he mumbled. Grimacing, The General looked at Giles. "This new recruit will taste test all of your food for the next week. Have fun with him."

           Zack looked at his friend. "You've been caught by the dark side of the materia haven't you?"

           "Only for today."

The Next Day

            Sephiroth pulled out a map. "New plan time! Shinra wants us to concentrate our efforts on this small, strategically ineffective town. We are instead, going to attack the end of the Wutai line here." He pointed to a small ravine on the map. "It should only take a few sharp shooters hidden in the trees."

           "Okay. So which of us is going?"

           Sephiroth shrugged. "I'm better with a gun. I'll bite the bullet." He threw up his hands. "Don't hit me."

           Zack rolled his eyes. "So, Seph, as an outsider, what do you think of the human race?"

           Sephiroth opened his mouth and froze. Reaching out the tent flap he grabbed Kakashi by the head and dragged him inside. He looked the ninja in the eye. "Are your parents siblings?"

           "I'm not here."

           "Of course you aren't. You've obviously left your brain back in Wutai."

           Kakashi struggled against The General's grip and then gave up. "You will rue the day you crossed me!"

           "No. I rue the day Giles' parents decided it was okay to breed." Moving faster than the eye could see, Sephiroth let go of Kakashi's head and grabbed the front of his uniform, lifting the assassin into the air. "So tell me, why are you spying on Zack and I?"

           "I'll never tell!"

           Zack suddenly looked frightened. "Oh, Seph, don't do it."

           "Giles! More rat a la king in here please! A new recruit hasn't eaten yet."

           Zack grabbed his friend's shoulder. "No, Seph! Don't give in to the evil!"

           "Too late. He either talks or he eats what Giles sets in front of him."

           Giles came in. "We ain't got none of that left. Is marlboro pot pie okay?"

           Sephiroth's Evil Smile™ resurfaced. "Perfect."

           A look of panic swam across the assassin's face. "Black Egg! Black Egg!"

           "Why are you here?"

           "Black Egg!"

            Sephiroth looked at Zack.  "Do you have any idea what this black egg business is about?"

            Zack shook his head.  "Not a clue."

            Sephiroth looked at Kakashi.  "This is how it works.  I ask a question, and you answer or you eat a spoonful of Giles' cooking.  Why are you here?"

            "Black Egg?"  A few spoonfuls of marlboro pot pie later.  "I was sent by President Shinra?"

            "And why would Shinra send you here?"

            "To spy on you."

            "Why?"

            "I don't know."

            "Wrong answer."

            A few more spoonfuls later: "Rufus says you're not fighting the war."

            "Another wrong answer."  The General lifted another spoonful.

            "Wait!  No!  I told the President that I could lead him to victory because I know Wutai inside and out!"

            Sephiroth looked at Zack.  Zack shrugged, "We all know he's crazier than a shit house rat."

            Sephiroth nodded.  He looked at the assassin.  "So why are you working for Shinra now?"

            "Because I have gone ronin!  I shall be great and glorious!  Nothing can stop me now!"

            "Nothing except a paraplegic gerbil and a motorized wheel chair."  A gleam lit in The General's eye.  "How would you like to lead the charge into battle?  To show Wutai your glory?"

            Kakashi's eyes went big and glassy.

            "I thought so."

A Day Later and an Idiot Shorter

            Sephiroth sat down in the tent and pulled his weapons out to clean them.  Zack looked up.  "How'd it go?"

            Sephiroth bounced his head from side to side.  "Pretty good.  One of the younger recruits got a bullet up the ass, but other than that, we didn't have any casualties."

            "What about the Wutai guy?"

            "Him?  Oh, I changed my mind and sent him on a secret mission."

            "I'm frightened, but I'll ask.  Doing what?"

            "Spying on Hojo from the basement bathroom in Shinra HQ."

            Zack shuddered.


	9. Episode Nine: Check Up!

This Army Life 

By Nicolle

1st Note: Yes, I know it's a hackneyed scenario we've seen in every fanfic out there, but this time, the smart ass is getting humiliated beyond all belief.  Please note that I am a severe Sephiroth fan, but sometimes…

2nd Note: Super, Major, EXTREME SPORTS OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Any similarity between Giles and a human is purely coincidental. Of course, the same could be said for Sephiroth.

Episode Nine: Yearly Check Up!

            "Message, Sirs!"

           Sephiroth looked up at the overly animated Private. "Giles, all that you are you owe to your parents. Why don't you send them a penny and square the account?"

           "But I just sent them a hundred Gil."

           Sephiroth pulled the message out of Giles' hand, read it, and his head hit the desk. Zack looked over the newspaper. "What does it say?"

           "It's time to see Hojo for a check up." He ripped the note into shreds. "I hate my life." He stood and walked out of the tent.

           "Oh, and this is for you, Sir." Giles handed a message to Zack. It was sealed.

           Zack frowned and opened it. Panicked, he jumped out of his chair and out of the tent, but Sephiroth was gone.

Back Into the Bowels of Hell

            Sephiroth sat in the chair, miserable, sleeve rolled up. He'd taken four shots already and was starting to feel ill. Hojo roamed around, checking on other experiments as he waited for the results of the latest injection to make themselves known. Hojo darted in front of a group of computer screens, tapping a pencil against the desk. When his stomach clenched, Sephiroth was grateful he didn't eat before coming down stairs.

           Hojo turned around with another syringe and pumped the contents into The General's arm. "How are you feeling, Sephiroth?"

           "Like Scarlet after round one in Rufus' office," he muttered.

           "What was that?"

           The General shook his silver haired head. Hojo shrugged and turned away. "God, I hope he's sterile." Green eyes scanned the monitors in front of him. His head began to pound. "Oh hell..." He put his head in his hand.

           "The headache will go away soon." Hojo put his clipboard down and looked at his favorite creation. "After the headache wears off you'll be done. Would you like to see my latest experiment?"

           Sephiroth just nodded without looking up.

           "Well, with all my research on the Cetra, I believe I found... Are you even listening?"

           Sephiroth put his hand over his mouth. "Yes. I always yawn when I'm interested." 

           "Hmm... Strange that. I'll look over your records to see what might have caused that reaction."

           "You do that. Can I leave now?"

           "Just a minute. Just a minute. Let me take your temperature. I'm a little concerned with your weight loss. Have you been eating enough?"

           "As much as I can stomach."

           Hojo scribbled something down in his notebook. "I'll send you some supplements."

           "Oh, goody."

           Hojo put a coned thermometer to The General's ear and pulled away when it beeped. "Not bad. You may leave."

           "Thank you." Sephiroth stumbled out of the chair and dragged his sorry ass out of the lab. Catching a glimpse of his reflection in the dark monitors on the way out made him feel worse. Using the wall for support, he limped down the sterile white hall filled with windowed doors. He passed one, stopped, and slid back against the wall. Barely holding himself up, he looked inside.

           Aeris lay on the cot inside.

           Leaning against the door, Sephiroth reached into his coat pocket and located his little lock pick kit. A minute later and the door clicked open. Stepping inside, he put the kick stand down to hold the door open. Kneeling carefully, he shook the Flower Girl. Aeris awoke with a start and Sephiroth put his hand over her mouth. 

           "Are you all right?"

           She nodded and he dropped his hand. 

           "You look like hell, Seph."

           "Thanks. Can you stand?"

           "Yeah, but that won't get us out of here." Aeris looked at him. "Why are you here?"

           "I'm Hojo's pet, remember? I'm here for a check up." He looked at the door. An idea struck him and he groaned. 

           "What?"

           "I have a way out." He stood, shaky, and removed his coat. 

           "Nice pecks."

           "I'll tell Zack you said so. Climb on my back."

           Aeris stood and put her arms around his neck. "You're starting to look really sick, are you sure about this?"

           "Do my eyes look really dull?"

           "You don't want to know what your eyes look like right now."

           "Then we'll be fine." He slung his coat over the both of them, leaving it loose. "Just stay quiet."

           "This isn't going to work," she whispered.

            "Yes it will." Sephiroth limped out of the room, pulling the door shut. Shuffling down the hall, he schooled his face into a mask of feral-ness and let his tongue loll out of his mouth. He passed by a security desk and the guard looked up.

"Sefffffeeeeeroth!" The General hissed.

"Hey Number Six. Is it time for your walk?"

"Sefffffeeeeeeroth!"

The guard opened the door and Sephiroth hobbled outside. As he walked through the courtyard to the gate a young woman in a lab coat stopped him. 

"Hello, Number Six!" She petted The General's head, ruffling the silver hair. "My, my. Soon your hair will be as long as Number One's." Sephiroth knocked his cheek against her hand and licked her palm. She scratched him behind the ear before walking away. 

A young Shinra executive grabbed his hair and Sephiroth turned to him.   "Sefffffeeeeeroth!"

            "What the hell are you?"

           A man in a lab coat walked up behind the exec. "That's Number Six. Dr. Hojo keeps him around for experiments. And you might want to drop his hair. He's not dangerous, but one of the others might see you picking on their 'little' brother." He scratched Sephiroth under the chin and The General mewed contentedly.

            "Is 'Sephiroth' all they can say?"

           "Oh, Number Six can talk. Tell us what you had for dinner last night, Number Six?"

           "Chicken and roasted potatoes. Seffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

           "Very good! Now head on out." He slapped The General's ass as he slinked off toward the gate. 

           The guard at the gate opened it without even looking up. "Have fun, Number Six."

           "Seffffffffffeeeeeeroth!"

           "Uh-huh. Thank god you're sterile."

           When Sephiroth was out of sight of the gates, he dropped his coat and the Flower Girl. Aeris just stared at him.

           "What?"

           "WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?"

           Sephiroth hit the ground, holding his head. "Oh please don't yell. My head is killing me." 

           "Sorry. But I still want an answer."

           "Hojo cloned me to try and reproduce whatever he managed with me. It hasn't been all that successful." He peeked an eye over his hand. "Okay, we aren't that far from a train station. I'll take you to Kalm Town until the heat dies down, or until I can convince Rufus and the Turks that you should be left alone."

           "How will you convince them of that?"

           "A six foot long sword."

           "Ah." Aeris helped him up. "So, how do you know Number Six so well that you can act like him?"

           "I used to play Frisbee with him when I was ten."

           "Oh! How sweet!"

           "No it wasn't. He would catch the Frisbee in his mouth."

            Silence reigned. They walked to the station.

           "What's in Kalm Town?"

           "My house. Come on." 

One Quick Stop, Then Back at the Front

            "Seph! Seph! You're finally back! Listen! Aeris is missing and--"

           Sephiroth put his hand over his friend's mouth. "It's cool, Zack. She's at my place in Kalm Town. Tseng is going to pick her up tomorrow and take her back home."

           "Huh?"

           "I found her when I was getting my 'check-up.'"

           "How'd you bust her out?"

           "Don't ask. Just...  Don't ask." Sephiroth dragged himself back into his tent and hit the cot asleep. 


	10. Episode Ten: Interview!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is an all Turks episode.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead. Well, maybe not for this one. It is the Turks.

3rd Note: You get a reprieve. This is also a Giles-free episode. 

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Ten:  Interview! 

            Tseng looked at Reno, then at Rude... and then back again. He took a deep breath. "Okay, Rufus wants a fourth member for our team."

           Reno snorted. "So who's it going to be? A SOLDIER? Or some random experiment Hojo has no use for?"

           "We get to pick the new recruit."

           Reno jumped up. "HELL YEAH! Let's get Zack!"

           "We can't get Zack," Rude said, "He's a general."

           Tseng held up a hand. It still had a goofy 'evil' face drawn on it. "I've already requested that the most qualified people be contacted and their resumes sent to us."

           "Dude, your hand..." Reno started.

           "I know. Aeris lied when she said it was magic marker."

The Interview Process Begins

            Tseng looked at the file. "I'm sorry. I'm not quite sure how to pronounce your name."

           The man in front of him, who was shrouded from head to foot in black with a pair of sunglasses over his eyes, mumbled something incoherently.

           "I see. So, tell me about your qualifications."

           The man began to mumbled louder and gestured animatedly.

           "Uh-huh. Can you describe for me one or two of your most important accomplishments?"

           The man mumbled something while nodding his head a lot.

           "Interesting. How would you describe yourself as a person?"

           The man mumbled, paused, and mumbled again.

           "Fascinating. Have you ever done any public or group speaking?"

           The man mumbled and made what might have been a happy gurgle.

           "Uh-huh. Keep going..."

           The man gestured some and made another gurgle.

           "All right. What in your last review did your supervisor suggest needed improvement?"

           The man mumbled something and shook his head.

           "Do you feel you work more effectively on a one to one basis or in a group situation?"

           The man mumbled again with a lot of gesturing.

           "Great." Tseng stood. "Thank you for your time." They shook hands and the man left.

           Reno and Rude looked at each other. "So... what did he say?" Reno asked.

           Tseng shrugged. "I have no clue." He straightened his tie. "Call in the next one."

           Rude opened the door and showed in a small, feral looking kid with messy brown hair and feral blue eyes. Reno punched himself in the face to keep himself from saying anything stupid.

           Tseng looked at the next file as the kid sat down. "Philip Michaels." He looked at the kid.

           "In your previous job what kind of pressures did you encounter?"

           The kid looked around, uneasy. "A lot of ageism and general discrimination."

           "Such as?"

           "Generally being picked on, cheek pulling, and people mistaking me for someone's kid."

           "What were some of the things about your last job that you found most difficult to do?"

           The kid stretched his shoulders by hunching and un-hunching them. "Looking people in the eye. That's mostly a height problem though."

           "Understandable. Do you prefer working alone or in groups?"

           "Alone."

           "Ah. What kind of people do you find it most difficult to work with?"

           "Living ones."

           Tseng smiled. "What are some things you particularly liked about your last job?"

           "I got to disembowel the coworkers who didn't follow orders."

           "Well, Philip, it was nice talking with you. We'll call you tomorrow to tell you whether or not you'll be transferring."

           "Thanks." The kid jumped up and left without shaking hands.

           Reno looked at Tseng. "Oh for the love of God, no."

           Rude raised an eyebrow. "Transfer him to Hojo."

           Tseng nodded. "Already on it." He made a quick call laden with pass codes. He looked up when he was finished. "Next one."

           Rude opened the door, and then shut it very quickly. He looked at Tseng. The leader of the Turks nodded. Rude took a deep breath and opened the door. A limping, hunchbacked, green skinned Sephiroth clone hobbled through the door. 

           "Seffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

           Tseng pulled a Frisbee out from under the desk and threw it out the door. Number Six galloped after it.

           "Next one, please."

Several Hours Later....

            Tseng looked over the file at the young blonde in front of him, ignoring Reno's motions of worship at the size of her bosom. 

           "Your file doesn't state your age, Miss Elena."

           Elena snorted. "A woman doesn't reveal her age. Suffice it to say, I'm not jail bait and I'm not old enough to be your mother."

           Tseng opened his mouth, thought better of it, and moved on to his first question, "What kind of work environment do you prefer?"

           "Relaxed with the occasional shooting."

           "What supervisory experience have you had?"

           "In my current position, I supervise the youth firearms program. Most of them want to be assassins when they grow up. It's required me to grow eyes in the back of my head." 

            "Really."

           "Yes." She smiled, looking directly at Tseng. "Really. And if your partner back there doesn't stop masturbating, he's going to be missing the family jewels shortly."

           Reno dropped his hands.

           Tseng smiled. "How would you rate your communication skills?"

           "I rate them as excellent. I say what I think and I think that if you want to get anything done at all around here, you need to start by killing Shinra."

           Tseng looked at the file, mostly to hide laughter in his eyes. "I see you were a navigator before taking up your current career."

           Reno snorted. "Anyone can be a navigator if he can tell his ass from his elbow."

           Elena looked at the red head. "I believe that leaves you out."

           Rude bent over laughing.

           Reno frowned. "Anybody who told you to be yourself couldn't have given you worse advice."

           "Save your breath...You'll need it to inflate your date."

           "I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing."

           Elena smiled brightly. "Do you here the bell? Cause you're gettin' schooled."

           Tseng stood up. "All right you two. Settle down. Thank you, Elena. We'll call you tomorrow." Elena stood gracefully and shook Tseng's hand before leaving.

           Tseng sighed. "Call in--"

           "We gotta hire her, man."

           Tseng looked at Reno. "What?"

           "Come on! She's hot! And she so totally wants me!"

           Rude, having regained his composure, "Are you always so stupid or is today a special occasion?"

           "Please hire her!"

           Tseng sat down and put the file away. "If I hire her, you have to promise me that you won't come crying when she shoots you in the ass."

           Reno held up his hand. "Turk's honor."

           "Any objections, Rude?"

           "I like her."

           "Great." Tseng stood and opened the door. Elena stood there with a very bright and very smug smile. "You're hired. Get your ass in here."

           Elena sauntered into the office as Tseng closed the door. 

           "Ah right! Initiation time!" Reno punched the air with his fist.

           "What? We all hit the nearest dive and get drunk off our asses?" she asked. Reno nodded. "I'll drink a lightweight like you under the table in no time flat."

           Tseng put his head in his hands. "Oh dear God..."

           Rude patted his shoulder in agreement.


	11. Episode Eleven: ChocoPox!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: I think Interview! was the fastest episode I've ever written.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: No Giles' cooking this episode!

Episode Eleven: Choco-pox!

           "Sir?  I don't feel so good."

            Sephiroth looked up at Giles.  The man was covered from head to foot in large red bumps.  "Get to bed.  You're off duty till you get better.  I'll send the padre over to you."

            "But I don't think I'm dying, Sir."

            "Here's to hoping."  Sephiroth turned around and sighed.  The sudden thankfulness of having Giles under the weather and unable to cook flew away as he realized that pale skin covered with large red bumps surrounded him. Unable to do much else, he picked a few of the least sick recruits to pass out bottled water and orange juice.

           Then, knowing he'd regret it, he called Rufus. Shinra the Younger had laughed, but had promised no Hojo. Stepping into his tent, he found the most pathetic looking creature the world, also known as Zack, lying on a cot. 

           "Could you get me a water bottle?" Zack whispered. 

           Sephiroth handed him a bottle. Zack set it next to him on the ground.

           "It's really hot in here."

           Sephiroth opened the tent flap and let the breeze in.

           "Could you get my boots off?"

           Sephiroth pulled the boots of the man and immediately wished he hadn't.

           "Can I have some orange juice?"

           Sephiroth handed him a glass of orange juice and helped him sit up so he could drink it.

           "I'm hungry."

           Sephiroth handed him a sleeve of crackers. Zack ate one and put the rest down.

           "I want a foot rub."

           Sephiroth just looked at him.

           "I want a four course meal starting with bread?"

           "You hit my 'nice' limit, Zachary."

           Zack looked up pitifully. "I'm cold?" 

           Sephiroth picked up the blanket and dropped it on his friend's head. Resisting the urge to suffocate him, Sephiroth left the tent in time to see a car pull up and the Turks climb out. 

           "Yo, Seph!" Reno yelled.

           "We brought some supplies and left Hojo at home," Rude said.

           Sephiroth stopped and counted the heads in front of him. He looked at the blonde and then at Tseng. "Finally decide to replace the guy who's been missing for the past, what, twenty some years?"

           Tseng gestured Elena forward. "This is Elena. Elena, General Sephiroth."

           Elena shook The General's hand. "So, are you available? And if not, I'm willing to work with that."

           "HEY!" Reno yelled, "YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE HITTING ON ME!!! I'M THE MAN OF YOUR DREAMS."

           "If you're referring to my nightmares, than that would be the case."

           Reno humphed and turned away, nose in the air.

           "Don't sneeze. You might hit a bird and then it would sue you for the biological attack."

           Sephiroth looked at Tseng. "I like her. Where'd you find her?"

           "In a stack of files left over from the Shinra training camps." Tseng looked at Elena. "Come on. Let's get something like food ready."

           The woman nodded and they both headed for the mess.

           Reno growled. "What is this? Tseng always takes my women."

           Rude just looked at his partner. "And there you were: reigning supreme at number two." He turned to The General. "Want to help me unload the car while useless over there gets his head screwed back on?"

           "Sure."

A Few Well Medicated Hours Later

            "Can I have a cookie?"

           Sephiroth rolled his eyes and went back to his book.

           "Come on, Seph. Give the man a cookie. He looks like he's about to die," Rude said.

            Sephiroth sighed and put down his book. Picking up his fishing pole, he speared a cookie with the hook and held it over Zack's mouth. Zack moved to bite the cookie and The General lifted it away. 

           "You're cruel, man."

           "Zack's been a little bitch all day. Now, I get to have fun at his expense." He lifted the cookie away from Zack's mouth.

           Tseng and Elena entered the tent. "Everyone has been medicated and fed," Tseng said.

           Sephiroth nodded. "Thank you."

           "How's Zack?" Tseng asked.

           Sephiroth dangled the cookie and then pulled it away again. "He's fine."

           "Anyway, there's this guy named Giles who kept saying he didn't want to go to the hospital," Elena said.

           "That's because his grandfather went into one, and when he came out, he was dead," Zack said as he reached for the cookie again.

           Sephiroth sighed and pulled the cookie away. "He was also dead when he went in, Zack. He'd been run over by a chocobo."

           "So what's it like to be out on the front all the time?" Elena asked.

           "Well, we basically circle the Wutai army, go AWOL as much as possible, and wish Giles had never been born."

           "Why do you hate Giles so much?" 

           "He's as useful as a windshield wiper on a chocobo's ass." He pulled the cookie out of Zack's reach.

           "So, he's like Reno?" Elena mused.

           "I hear you talking about me, woman who wishes to worship at my manly altar."

           Elena sighed. "Reno, you're about as much use as a Betamax."

           Reno stuck his red head in the tent flap. "I knew you loved me."

           "Yep," Rude said, "Useless."

           "You know, I thought only chocobos got choco-pox," Reno said.

           Everyone went dead silent, and then all eyes fell on The General.

           "We've been eating the chocobos."

           "I thought that was just a rumor," Rude murmured.

           "It's the only decent food out here," The General replied.

           Zack looked at Sephiroth. "Can I please have the cookie now? My neck is cramping." The General sighed and let him have the cookie. "Thank you," he mumbled with his mouth full.

The Next Morning

            "Thanks for the help, Tseng."

           The Turk shrugged. "No problem." He looked back at the General's tents. "Just to let you know, Aeris has been beating down my door to let you know that she's ready to poison you whenever you show up for dinner."

           "I knew she was trying to kill me." He glimpsed Elena getting into the car and his green eyes took on a wicked gleam. "Do you think Elena would like Aeris or hate her on sight?" 

            Tseng held up his hands. "Whoa, Seph! Don't go there! Plans like that backfire. Just stick to army life."

           "Are you speaking from experience?"

           "Yes."


	12. Episode Twelve: New Pet!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  This one is short, but sweet.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Oh God, I hate Giles.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Twelve: New Pet!

            "Sir! Sir!" Giles ran into the tent and Sephiroth stuck out a foot to trip him. The Private didn't have the decency to hit the ground. 

           The General glared at him. "What the hell do you want?"

           Giles jumped up and down like a small child on a sugar high. "I got a new pet! I got a new pet!"

           "You aren't allowed to have pets in the camp, Giles."

           "But you'll love him! He's the greatest pet in the world! Here! Look!"

           Sephiroth looked up from the papers on his desk. For a moment, time froze and The General just stared, mouth hanging open. Then time snapped back into place. Sephiroth fell backwards trying to get out of his chair and hit the ground. 

           "See? Isn't he great?" Giles set his pet on the ground. "Here! You can play with him!" 

           Sephiroth scrambled backwards before crawling to his feet and running out of the tent. "ZACK!!! WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!!!"

           Zack came around the corner just in time to be grabbed by his friend and hauled into the nearest tree. "Yo, Seph! What's the problem? You look like you've seen..." He turned to see a small green creature in a brown robe holding a lamp come out of the tent. "...a Tonberry. Holy Mother of God..." Zack looked around desperately. "It's only a baby. We can out run it."

           "Only until its daddy gets here."

           "Okay. Okay. Let's try to bribe it. Maybe it will leave."

           Sephiroth looked at his friend. "We don't have anything to give it."

           "What about materia?"

           "I don't know about you, but mine's in the tent and so is Masamune."

           "Shit." Zack patted his pockets. "I've got half a sandwich and some gil."

           "Look! It's walking away!"

           "Oh thank God." 

           Both generals relaxed, then bolted out of the tree screaming: 

           "CLEAR THE CAMP! THERE'S A TONBERRY ON THE LOOSE!"

Meanwhile...

            Giles knelt down with some moldy bread in his hand. "Here little guy. I got you some dinner." 

           The Tonberry stepped toward him slowly. A flash of metal and Giles stepped away. 

           "I forgot your water dish."

           The Tonberry grumbled and shuffled toward Giles. Giles put the water dish down with a thud, splashing the brown robe. The light in the lamp flickered out. The Tonberry growled and lunged for Giles, only Giles was already walking out of the mess tent. It followed. Very slowly.

After the Panic...

            "Okay. The camp has evacuated along the supply route back to North Corel. The only people left are you, me, and Giles."

           Sephiroth picked up Masamune. "Please refrain from referring to Giles as 'people.'"

           "Come on, Seph. Be nice."

           "I'll try being nicer if he tries being smarter. However, I believe the effort would kill us all."

           "All right. All right. Let's just kill this thing." Zack took a few steps forward and stopped. He checked his sword and his wrist band. "Uh, do you have any Restore Materia?"

           Sephiroth paused and checked his equipment. "No."

           "We are so screwed."

           Sephiroth patted his friend on the shoulder. "Come on, Zack. Let's go take this up the ass like men."

           "You know, Seph? You're right. Giles is a god damn plague."

           "And one day I will be forced to destroy all of Nibelheim just to get him."

           Zack hefted his sword and they stalked deep into the camp.

           Carefully checking tent after tent, the generals moved slowly to avoid being caught off guard and stabbed in the back with a large butcher knife. The Tonberry suddenly appeared up ahead, walking toward Giles' tent. The generals moved behind it, slowly.

In the Tent

            Giles pulled out a Frisbee. "Here, little guy! Let's go play!" He tossed the Frisbee and it hit the Tonberry in the head. The thing crept toward him, lamp held high. "Ah. You missed it! Let's try again." Giles stepped over the brown robed creature, avoiding the knife by dumb luck yet again. The Tonberry grumbled as it got another Frisbee toss to the back of the head.

Outside the Tent

            Sephiroth and Zack nodded to each other, swords ready for battle. They pulled back the tent flaps and Giles burst out with the Tonberry on a leash, dragging it through the dirt, face first. "It's time for your walk!"

           The generals just watched, dumbfounded.

           Giles dragged the poor creature all the way out of camp and into an open field before finally stopping. The flames of hate surrounded the creature, but Giles took no notice, instead, he threw more Frisbees at it. The knife flashed and the Tonberry began to stalk its prey.

           "Oh, you shouldn't have a knife! They're dangerous!"

           The Tonberry suddenly found himself disarmed. He reached back and found that his spare knife of doom was still in place. He lifted his lantern and crept up to Giles. Giles pulled his leash and he went flying backwards before hitting the dirt and landing in front of the generals.

           Completely ignoring the sword wielding men, the Tonberry crawled to its feet and went after Giles.

           "It could just be me," Zack said, "But I think it wants to kill Giles."

           They watched as the Tonberry, even when close enough to strike, ignored the generals in order to go after Giles.

           "I think your right."

            "Bets are on. My money's on the Tonberry," Zack said and pulled out a hundred gil.

           Sephiroth snorted. "Giles has survived me. I hope against hope I lose, but I'm betting on Giles." He matched the hundred. "Let's hit the canteen."

           "But there's no bartender."

           "Like we don't know how to serve ourselves. Come on."

           The both walked to the bar. "How will we know who wins if we're over there?"

           Sephiroth shrugged. "The Tonberry will come for us next."

           "Good point."

About Four Hours Later, In the Canteen

            Giles skipped into the bar, the Tonberry dragged behind. Sephiroth took a sip of his whiskey and watched as the Tonberry slowly followed Giles across the room. Sephiroth looked down at the little guy. "Just give up. I've been trying a lot longer than you."

           The Tonberry put away the knife and slowly climbed onto the chair next to The General. Zack passed him a glass of whiskey. All three took a drink.


	13. Episode Thirteen: The Haunting of Shinr...

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This one is really long. I mean, really long. I mean, two parter long. Think of it as the season finale that leaves you begging for more, except I won't make you wait a few months for the next part. Be prepared for the cliff hanger…

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note: Next meeting of the We Hate Giles club is on Friday. Special guest speaker: Cloud Strife.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Thirteen: The Haunting of Shinra HQ, part 1

Rufus ducked around the corner and threw his back against the wall, gun pointed toward the ceiling. He slid down the wall into a crouch and suddenly wished the Turks were with him and not AWOL. Gulping in as much air as possible, he finally managed to get his breathing under control. A noise around the corner made him flinch. Taking a quick look, the white, smoky thing that had been chasing him began floating up the hall. With nowhere to run, Rufus took aim and fired. The bullet went through as if it as if it didn't exist.

"You've got to be kidding me."

He stood up and dashed for the thing, duck-rolling under it, and making for the exit down the hall. As he ran, he pulled out a small tracker and activated it, hoping someone would have their emergency pager on. 

Good Vibrations...

Sephiroth pulled his pager out of his coat pocket and looked at it. Frowning, he stood from his seat at the bench, the eyes of the entire army, well, at least everyone in the mess, on their General. He looked around. "Where's General Zack?"

Dead silence replied. Well, almost.

Cloud stuffed another spoonful of potatoes into his mouth. "Taking a nap."

Sephiroth picked up his tray, dumped Giles cooking into the trash, and found Zack sleeping in a tree. "You sleep so much I wonder if you even know what consciousness is."

Zack opened an eye. "I know what consciousness is. It's that annoying time between naps."

"We have to go back to Midgar."

"Why?"

"Rufus activated his emergency tracker."

"Shit. That means the Turks are down." Zack jumped from the tree and they grabbed the nearest chocobos on the way out.

Back in Hell

Whatever the hell it was that followed him now, Rufus was sure that this one was solid. It looked like one of Hojo's screwed up experiments. And it could talk. "Come out, little boy. I'm hungry."

"Keep talking while I reload." Rufus pulled his gun around and fire point-blank into the thing, making it stumble backwards and giving him enough time to get to the stairs. He climbed two flights of stairs and opened the door to what should have been the ground floor. Instead, it looked like an old style train station covered in dust and cobwebs. Disoriented, he sat down and tried to stop the spinning in his head.

"My pretty! Come out; come out, where ever you are!"

Rufus pulled himself to his feet and ran straight into Scarlet. They both hit the floor, holding their heads. 

"Damn it, Red! Could you be a little more careful?"

"Careful? I'm being chased around by Hojo's dead menagerie and you want me to be careful?" They sat up, grabbed each other's hand, and pulled themselves off the floor. "So now that I'm here, what were your other two wishes?"

Rufus grabbed her arm and they ran down the old train station dodging cobwebs and well dressed, if very dead skeletons. "I wish your demon worshipping ass would banish this insanity."

"I may be an agent of Satan, Rufus, but my duties are largely ceremonial." They reached the end of the platform and looked around. 

"Across the tracks," Rufus said and they both jumped into the train well. And that's when the light gleamed and horn sounded. Rufus sighed. "This is so god damn clichéd." He grabbed Scarlet and kissed her roughly.

"That was clichéd too, Rufus."

"It's all just par for the course." They both ran across the tracks. Climbing up onto the platform on the other side, they dashed for the closest exit.

Don't Worry; Help is on the Way...

Sephiroth and Zack stepped into Shinra HQ and froze. 

"Holy f--"

Sephiroth put his hand over Zack's mouth. "You can't say that. We're only rated PG-13. But yes, that is accurate."

"Okay, Seph, what we're looking at is so not rated PG-13."

The entire inside of HQ looked as if someone had thrown buckets of blood everywhere. A river of red flowed up to their ankles. The generals trudged through the gore to the security station. 

As they stepped inside, Sephiroth put his hand on his friend's shoulder. "Be prepared to see some people we like dead." Zack swallowed and nodded. They looked at the surveillance monitors. Instead of dead bodies, they found a mostly empty building. Sephiroth frowned and looked at his pager. "He's still in the building."

"Where are there not any cameras?" Zack asked.

"Hojo's lab." 

"We switched games, didn't we? We're in BEEP Resident Evil."

They both headed for the stairs.

Meanwhile...

Reno stared over stack of shot glasses at Elena. Pursing her lips, the blonde picked up a glass, took the shot, and slammed the glass upside down on the table. Reno licked his lips, picked up his twentieth, or was it thirtieth?, glass and took the shot. Tseng lay peacefully asleep in the chair while Rude leaned forward, watching the pair out drink each other. Elena picked up the next glass and stopped. "Do you hear that?"

Reno looked at her. "Quick stallin'."

Elena slammed the shot. "No, really. I hear something beeping. It's really quiet."

"Are you sure you're just not too drunk?" Rude asked as Reno took another shot.

"It sounds like a beeper."

Rude reached over and started digging through Tseng's pockets. Tseng opened his eyes slowly, staring up at the man with glazed over eyes. "I'm sorry, Rude, but I just don't feel that way about you."

"Where's your beeper, boss man?"

Tseng sat up and pulled out his beeper. Blinking the sleep out of his eyes, he looked at the read out. "Holy f--" Rude put his hand over Tseng's mouth. Tseng pushed it away and turned to the "Fear Factor" contestants. "Rufus' activated his emergency tracker. Are you two able to move, or are you both too drunk?"

Elena and Reno, instantly sober, stood and checked their guns. "We're ready," Reno said. They ran back to HQ.

In the Basement

Sephiroth grabbed Zack's arm to stop him. Opening the door to the bathroom slightly, The General looked inside and then let it shut quietly. "Damn."

"What?"

"Kakashi's still alive."

They continued down the hall to the lab. Sephiroth reached for the door and then looked at Zack. "I don't want to split up, but if Hojo sees that I'm fraternizing with anyone, he'll make that person his next experiment."

Zack nodded and Sephiroth pushed the door open. The inside of the lab looked clean and normal. The computers hummed softly and the monitors glowed a soft blue. Hojo roamed from computer to computer, completely oblivious to Sephiroth. The General stepped back and let the door shut silently.

Sephiroth looked back at his friend. "The lab looks completely untouched. Hojo didn't even look up from the monitors."

"Then let's head back up stairs. We'll take the floors one by one and hopefully find something." Heading back up the stairs, they skipped the first floor and went to the second. A mist filled room met them as they opened the door. "I take it back. It's not Resident Evil. It's Silent Hill."

"You play too many video games."

"Life is a video game, Seph. We just don't get to hit the reset button when we die."

Sephiroth sighed. "Do you have any rope?"

Zack reached into his bag. "Gee, Seph, shouldn't we wait until we've saved Rufus?"

"The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your family, Zack." Sephiroth took one end of the rope and Zack took the other before they disappeared into the mists.

Back to the Turks!

Tseng stepped inside HQ and wished he wasn't wearing his good pants. He sighed. "Watch your step, people."

"Well, there go these pants," Reno said. He looked around. "I wonder which of Hojo's experiments exploded in here."

Elena and Rude trudged over to the security station. "The cameras are still working," Elena said.

"Do we have a visual on Rufus?" Tseng asked as he slopped through the rivers of blood.

"No," Rude answered, "But I think I see Zack on the second floor."

"Why would he be here?" Elena asked.

"Sephiroth has a beeper like mine. They probably ran here from front." Tseng looked over her shoulder and pointed at the mostly white screen. "Watch for it. See that silver flash?" Everyone leaned in and a sudden shine hit the screen. "That's Masamune. Somebody's getting schooled." Tseng straightened up. "We'll head onto the second floor and meet up with them. They might know where Rufus is."

"What about Hojo's lab?" Rude asked.

"Seph would have checked it first. If he's on the second floor, Hojo isn't a concern." They headed for the second floor.

Rufus and Scarlet sittin' in a... stairwell?

In the stairwell, the two Shinra executives sat on the steps, catching their breath. 

Scarlet looked at him. "Well, oh great VP, shall we go up or down?"

"Which way did you come from?"

"I was on the second floor. The whole thing is filled with mist and rotting corpses attack you randomly. Which way did you come from?"

Rufus looked up. "My office on eight. Eight didn't seem to be affected. I only noticed what was going on when I stepped off on the fourth floor."

"Why were you going to the fourth floor?"

"To kill Palmer."

"Damn. I guess this means you didn't get the chance."

Rufus shook his head. "The fourth floor looks like someone blasted it with one of your Sister Ray prototypes."

"Let's go to Eight then."

The door to the third floor crashed open and a great, skinless beast stepped into the stairwell. 


	14. Episode Fourteen: The Haunting of Shinr...

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: I really don't subscribe to the myriad of 'couples' or 'pairings' out there, but I like to have fun yanking everyone's chain. But, I promise, only one person is getting laid in this episode and I figured he deserved it after the hell I've put him through. 

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Second and Final Part! Enjoy! Oh… And it's not over people. I still have a lot of episodes in the works. 

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode Fourteen: The Haunting of Shinra HQ, part 2

When Last We Left…

The door to the third floor crashed open and a great, skinless beast stepped into the stairwell. 

Scarlet pulled a gun and shot the beast point blank in the face. The head exploded and the monster fell to the ground.

"Holy shit, you're fast."

"I work with weapons all day, Rufus. Unlike Heidigger, I know what I'm doing."

They ran for the eighth floor.

Misty... Smoke gets in your eyes...

Sephiroth sliced another zombie in half and turned, putting himself back to back with Zack. 

"We need a plan, Seph."

"Shall I base it on everything I have ever learned about strategy and war or gut instinct?"

"Gut Instinct."

"Run for the door on three. Three!" They made it into the stair well and climbed a flight before slipping on the remains of Scarlet's kill. Crashing down the stairs, they both hit the platform for the second floor hard enough that a large resounding crack flooded the well. 

Zack checked himself and found nothing broken. And then he froze. "Seph?"

The General didn't move.

"Shit!" Zack rolled over to his friend and touched his shoulder. "C'mon, Seph, say something..."

"...something."

Zack sighed in relief. "You bitch. You had me worried."

"My right arm is broken."

Zack dug through his bag. "I've got materia for that."

"Thanks. I really wasn't in the mood for a Mako dip courtesy of Hojo." A little bit of healing later and Sephiroth sat up. "Well, someone got served."

"You can say that again. Looks like something took a hit from one of Scarlet's special issues." Zack looked around and found the bullet hole in the wall. Pulling out a pair of tweezers, he fished out the bullet. "Oh yeah. And I'll bet it was from Scarlet's gun." 

"Why?"

"Rufus' name is carved into it." 

"Shit. She's going to be pissed that she had to waste it." Sephiroth stood.

"Guys! I think I hear Sephiroth!" 

The General walked to the edge of the platform and looked over. Reno waved up at him. The Turks ran up the stairs.

"You have no idea how good it is to see living people in this building," Tseng said. He looked at Sephiroth. "Please tell me Hojo is dead."

"The lab is as normal as always. It didn't even look as if Hojo knew this place dropped from the tenth to the seventh ring of hell."

"Son of a bitch."

"Yeah."

"Have either of you seen Rufus?" Reno asked.

Zack shook his head. "Nope. We know Scarlet's around here somewhere. She's the one who took out whatever that was." He pointed to the bloody mess.

Elena looked over Zack's shoulder. "How did you know it was Scarlet?"

"The bullet."

"Still carving Shinra the Younger's name into 'em, huh?" Reno held out his hand for the bullet. 

Rude climbed over the mess on the stairs and looked in the third floor door. "Guys? This is not what was on the security camera downstairs."

The others scrambled up to have a look. 

"Wow."

"You said it, Zack." Reno whistled low. "Minus the skinless monster charging at us, this is the coolest thing I've ever seen."

Everyone looked at Reno. Sephiroth pushed the group aside and lifted Masamune. The beastie impaled itself on the blade. He kicked the thing off his sword and flicked the blood away. "I think it's safe to say they went up stairs."

Everyone nodded and started climbing.

"So where are we going?" Elena asked.

"Shinra the Younger's office. He has a chocolate stash in the top right drawer and Scarlet is sure to be in it," Tseng said.

"You know about the chocolate stash? I thought it was merely legend," Zack said, awed.

"I've stolen from it twice."

"How'd you manage that?"

"I distracted him with Scarlet."

"Damn," Reno breathed, "Do those two hate each other or love each other?"

Tseng shrugged. "Probably both."

They reached the eighth floor. Sephiroth motioned everyone aside and knocked. "Rufus? Scarlet? It's Seph. I'm going to open the door so I'd appreciate that you not blow my head off and have to waste the materia to raise me from the dead."

Scarlet yelled. "Come on in, Seph."

Sephiroth opened the door to a perfectly normal office with Scarlet sitting behind Rufus' desk. Rufus was in his normal window spot, looking down on the city. He turned to look at the group that trudged in. "I'd offer you food, but, well, you've seen the weight my father has been putting on."

Sephiroth dropped into the nearest chair. "Where's that damn cat of yours?"

"Dark Nation disappeared an hour before this insanity started. I have no idea where he might be." 

"So what is our course of action?"

Rufus looked around. "First, we find out if this is one of Hojo's experiments."

Sephiroth shook his head. "I checked the lab. He's completely oblivious to the outside world."

"All right. What does that leave us with?"

"Wutai's final revenge consists of haunting us with the ghosts of their dead?" Scarlet ventured.

Rufus opened his mouth, closed it, and looked closely out the Shinra executive. "Red, I know you like your rice crispies, but that doesn't mean you should listen to them."

"You're the one who was begging me to banish the ghosts with my dark powers earlier, sweetheart. Don't make me get voodoo on your ass."

Tseng snapped his fingers. "Okay. We have a haunting. How do you get rid of ghosts? Suggestions anyone?"

"You get an exorcist to get rid of ghosts," Rude stated.

"Right. Where are we going to get an exorcist?" Tseng asked.

"Wutai," Elena replied.

"Right. Who are we going to kidnap?"

"I suppose any random priestess will do," Reno said.

"Right. Let's get on this." Tseng opened the door and was tossed aside by Heidigger running into the office. 

He slammed the door shut and leaned against it. "The zombies are coming! There's an army of them in the stairwell!"

"Great. How are we supposed to get out of here?" Reno asked.

Zack looked out the window. "Maybe we could slide down the cables from this building to the train station?"

Scarlet sat up. "Are you crazy? There's a high voltage current running through those wires." 

"High voltage..." Rufus mused, "I guess this means Seph'll be all right."

Elena smiled. "Yeah, better leave it to The General."

Reno punched the air with his fist. "We're counting on you, Seph!"

Sephiroth looked around, panicked. "Hey!! Wait a second!"

"You'll be all right. Just slide down it like you're on a surf board. Your boots will keep you from getting shocked," Reno said.

Sephiroth grumbled as he stood and went to the window. "My name is not Tidus, dammit."

Heidigger looked around. "Is it okay if I stay here?"

"Sure. You're only as welcome as a Reggae band at a Klu Klux Klan convention," Scarlet said.

Everyone rushed to the window to watch Sephiroth slide down the cable to the station. Sighing at his own stupidity, he jumped onto the cable and slid down, hair flying in the breeze.

"Impressive," Elena said, wide-eyed.

When he hit the end of the cable, Sephiroth jumped, flipped over, and landed on top of the train station with ease.

"Most impressive," Rufus murmured.

Zack held up his hands. "Okay people. If you want to sleep with Seph, you have to deal with me first. He costs $800 a night."

Tseng looked at Zack. "No wonder the man can't get a steady girlfriend. You're pimping him on the side."

Reno whistled. "That's low, man. Couldn't you be noble and help him find a special someone."

Zack scratched his head. "Yeah, I could do that, but you can't sell noble deeds on the Shinra market."

Rufus gave Scarlet, who was rooting through her purse, the evil eye. "Don't you dare, Red."

She smiled innocently. "What?"

Reno looked at Elena. "You ain't buyin'?"

The blonde shrugged. "Nah. Seph's hot, but I prefer my men a little warmer and less sarcastic." She batted her eyes at Tseng.

Reno looked at his partner. "Why is it that you get all my women?"

Tseng shrugged. "Now that we've royal pissed off Sephiroth, who wants to make a suicidal charge down the stairs?"

Everyone but Heidigger raised their hands.

"All right. Everyone ready?"

Swords flashed and guns clicked. Tseng kicked the door open and fired into the first line of zombies.

Back on the Wutai Front

"Sir! Sir! You're back!"

"Only for a moment, Giles." Sephiroth dug a pair of dark goggles and rope out of the trunk at the end of his bed. "Giles? I need you to do something for me and if you fail, I'll slit your throat from ear to ear."

"Uh... Yes, Sir?"

"I want you to have my motorcycle ready in one hour."

Cloud poked his head into the tent. "Is Zack back yet?"

Sephiroth turned around. "No, Strife, he isn't. He's stuck in a tower filled with zombies and other undead creatures attempting to eat his brains." The General marched out of camp.

Giles looked at Cloud. "Is The General joking?"

"No. Probably not. You might want to get to work on that motorcycle." Cloud left.

Meanwhile, Sephiroth walked out of camp toward the Wutai fires on the other side of the tree line. Taking his time, he braided his hair and tucked the braid down his coat. After tying a black bandana around the hair still showing, he put on the black goggles. Sephiroth slipped into Wutai's encampment, having a look around. He found a priestess' tent right off, as it was covered with animal skins, bones, and odd symbols painted in red. Slipping inside, he was surprised to see that it resembled the inside of Scarlet's office, complete with stuffed crocodile hanging from the tent roof. A woman sat in front of a small fire. 

Sephiroth knocked her out, tied her up, and threw her over his shoulder. He made it back to camp to find Cloud shining his bike. "Where's Giles?"

"The screw up fairy was visiting again and I figured that you're much less inclined to mortally wound me, so I took care of the bike."

"Thank you." Sephiroth pulled off the dark goggles and bandana before pulling his hair out of his coat.

Cloud took a peek at the Wutai woman over Sephiroth's shoulder. "Whoa. She's hot."

"Are you on duty, Strife?"

"Yes, Sir."

"Then keep your comments to yourself."

"Yes, Sir."

Sephiroth rode off, Wutai priestess slung over his back.

Back in the Tenth, no wait, Seventh Ring of Hell

Sephiroth pulled up to the door and hopped off the bike. A large black cat sat at the door. 

"So where have you been?"

The cat looked at him briefly before cleaning its paws. The breathing of the girl on his back changed though she remained perfectly still.

"I know you're awake."

"Kidnapper!" she hissed. "What do you intend to do with me?"

Sephiroth set her on her feet. "I intend to have you exorcise the ghosts in this building."

She gasped when she saw who had taken her. "Sephiroth!"

"Yes, that is my name." Dark Nation padded over to him and rubbed his black fur against The General's legs.

Her eyes narrowed. "I've heard stories about you. I highly doubt that I'm here to exorcise ghosts."

Sephiroth sighed and rolled his eyes as he absent mindedly began petting the cat at his feet. "I am not going to abuse you, molest you, or ravish you in anyway. I just want you to get rid of the ghosts in this building."

"Are you sure you aren't going to ravish me? Because I'd really like that." She smiled and Sephiroth put his hand over his eyes.

"Listen, we'll discuss a secondary ravishing option after you've exorcised the ghosts, deal?"

"Deal."

"And your name is?"

"Meda."

Sephiroth untied the girl and they headed inside the building, Dark Nation padding along behind them. The company that had made Rufus' office home, now sat in the lounge, getting drunk.

"Hey, Seph! We just found this great stuff! You gotta try it!" Reno held out a dark bottle.

The General came to loom over them. "Let me guess: All of you took the stairs."

"All but Heidigger, he's still hiding from zombies up stairs," Tseng said. The Turk eyed his glass and then slammed the shot.

"Hey, Seph, who's the babe?" Zack asked, swaying.

"This is the Wutai priestess who is going to exorcise the ghosts." He looked at the girl. "Do you also do quick sober?"

"Actually, what I have to say will sober all of you pretty fast."

They all looked at the priestess.

"This place isn't haunted. Whatever made the gory mess here was not a ghost, or undead, or supernatural."

Reno sat up. "Then what the hell was it?"

Hojo slammed the stairway door open. "God damn experiment went wrong again!" He stopped when he saw the assembled group. 

Rufus smiled. "My good doctor. Are you responsible for the skinless monsters and bloated corpses chasing every living creature around this building?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Did it occur to you that your experiment might cause a problem for everyone else in the building?"

Hojo looked over his notes. "According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist."

Rufus narrowed his eyes and Dark Nation padded over to him. "Don't piss me off, Hojo. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies."

The normally calm Hojo swallowed, hard. He scurried away.

"You're having trouble hiding bodies? Geez, man, you should let us know. We'll help you get rid of them," Reno said.

"That's right," Zack said, swaying. "Friends help you move. Good friends help you move bodies."

Sephiroth turned to leave. The priestess grabbed his arm. He looked over his shoulder. "Yes?"

"Can we discuss that secondary option now?" 

Sephiroth blinked and then shrugged. He offered the girl his arm and she took it. "See you back at the front, Zack."


	15. Episode Fifteen: Spliced!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Another Kakashi episode. Because you still don't fully understand the stupidity that is Kakashi.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: OIP = Original Italian Pizza. These things are everywhere.  Look in your phone book.  You'll find one. Therefore, there's one in Nibelheim and if there isn't, it doesn't matter. Sephiroth blows the place up anyway. 

Episode Fifteen: Spliced!

            Kakashi leaned in close to look at the glowing green tank. A hand grabbed his hair, yanked him back, and knocked him out.

A Few Hours Later

            "Wake up, idiot."

           Kakashi blinked and looked up. "My head feels funny."

           "I'm sure it does," Hojo said. The doctor held a toy rabbit in front of the ninja-wannabe. "Do you have any inclination to chase this?"

           Kakashi looked at him stupidly. "What?"

           Hojo's eyes narrowed. "Do you want to eat the rabbit?"

           "Yeah! I'm starved!" Kakashi grabbed the stuffed animal and tried to bite it.

           Rubbing his head, Hojo went over to his desk, popped some aspirin, and returned to Kakashi.

           "I can't eat it. It's stuffed."

           Hojo took the rabbit away. "Yes. It is." He pulled a syringe with a very long needle out of his lab coat pocket.

           Kakashi suddenly started squirming, and realized he was tied to a lab table.

           "You can't escape," Hojo said calmly as he tapped the syringe. "You wouldn't want to anyway, the way you look."

           "Evil fiend! What have you done to me?!"

           Hojo reached up and turned off the mirrored over head light so Kakashi could see himself. "I spliced you with a fox."

           "But why?!"

           "I had a theory." He stuck the needle into the squirming shinobi.

           "You thought it would give me super powers so you could use me to dominate the world!"

           Hojo froze, blinked, and then slowly, his lips curled into a smile. "Yes. That's exactly why I did it." The humiliation of his earlier failure to retain the Cetra girl suddenly reared its head and he thought of a unique and very annoying way to get revenge on his son. "In fact, you are now going to the Wutai Front. There you shall join General Sephiroth and use your super powers to win the war."

           "Yes!"

           Hojo shook his head while untying the idiot who now sported odd tufts of fur and misshapen fox ears. Kakashi immediately jumped to his feet and then leapt into the air. He hit the ground with a thud. "You cannot fly."

           "Oh, okay."

Back on the Wutai Front

            Sephiroth and Zack trudged in from battle, sticky with sweat and blood, and muddy. _Very_ muddy.

           Zack looked with despair at the shower tent. "There probably isn't a drop of hot water in the entire camp."

           "It always happens that way."

           The generals slogged into the shower tent, haphazardly dropping weapons and clothes as they reached the shower stalls and turned on the water.

           "Oh blessed promised land, it's hot." Sephiroth threw his arms over the side of the stall and leaned against the wood, enjoying the hot water. Zack did the same and they both sighed in contentment.

           "This is too good, Seph. Something's going to happen."

           "Shut up, Zack."

           A soft whistle filled the air.

           "We obliterated that camp, didn't we?"

           Sephiroth shrugged. "Probably missed someone. We always miss somebody and then they breed like rats."

           The whistle got louder.

           "I don't know about you, Zack, but I'm willing to take a chance on this one and not move."

           "I hear ya."

           BOOM!!!

           Cloud stuck his head in the shower tent. "Sirs? A strange animal just landed on Giles."

           Sephiroth looked up, hope glimmering in his eyes. "Is he dead?"

           Cloud snorted and left.

           "Son of a bitch."

           Outside, Cloud picked up the badly spliced Kakashi with one hand and tossed him aside to look at Giles. "Oh thank god," he breathed.

           A new recruit came up to look. "Is he dead?"

           "No, but dinner is ruined."

           A cheer sounded across the camp.

           Cloud dug through his pockets. "Who's up for pizza?"

           "Who'll deliver out here?" someone yelled.

           "Nibelheim OIP."

           Everyone began pulling Gil out of their pockets. Cloud stuck his head back in the shower tent. "We're ordering pizza."

           Zack looked up. "From where?"

           "Nibelheim OIP."

           Zack pointed to his pants. "Wallet's in the back pocket."

           Sephiroth opened his eyes. "Wallet's in the coat."

           Zack stuck out his hand. "No, man, I'm covering you. I still owe you for the whole tower of zombies thing."

           Sephiroth closed his eyes. "At least you admit it."

           "It was still fun to watch you surf down the cable."

           "Yeah. You're so paying for my dinner tonight."

           Cloud pulled some Gil out of Zack's wallet. "What should I do with the thing that landed on Giles?"

           "It didn't kill him, so it doesn't get a medal," Sephiroth said. "Make it sit somewhere until we're done."

           Cloud nodded and left.

           "See? He's a good kid."

           "He's a stalker, Zack. Being smart enough to not eat Giles' cooking doesn't make him good, it's just the sign of a functioning brain."

           "You almost done?"

           "With my hair? I've got a while yet, Spikey."

Sometime later and a lot cleaner...

            Sephiroth and Zack, out of uniform and in t-shirts and jeans looked down at the furry abomination.

           Zack scratched his head. "What is it?"

           Sephiroth lifted the unconscious thing and looked at its face. "Oh dear god, it's Kakashi."

           "But how?"

           Sephiroth leaned in and sniffed. "Smells like the lab. Probably Hojo's doing." Sephiroth shook him. "Wake up, idiot."

           "But I'm tired, Dr. Hojo," the fox thing whined.

           Sephiroth's face went deathly calm and the tent caught fire.

           Zack jumped and started putting out the fire. "HOLY SHIT, SEPH, SETTLE DOWN!"

           "What? I haven't set him on fire yet."

           "No, just everything else in the vicinity!"

            Kakashi opened his eyes and found himself face to face with an angry Sephiroth. He drew in a big breath. "I have come! I shall now help you destroy the enemy!"

           "The enemy is Wutai."

           "And I shall be glorious!"

           "You are Wutai."

           "I am ronin!"

           "I'm sending you back to Wutai." Sephiroth walked out of the tent, dragging Kakashi with him. Pulling out Contain materia, Sephiroth popped it into his wrist brace and threw Kakashi into the air. While the fox spliced idiot flew up at the sky, The General cast Tornado. A whirlwind appeared out of nowhere and took Kakashi away. Brushing off his hands, Sephiroth decided to see if he could get away with smothering Giles in the infirmary.

           Zack finally gave up and cast ice on the fire.

In the Med Tent

            Giles looked up at them with pitiful eyes. "I want my mommy!"

           Sephiroth crossed his arms over his chest. "Yes, a maternally crazed gorilla would come in handy at this very moment."

           A nurse swatted Sephiroth up the back side of the head. "You be nice to him! He loves you like a dear friend!"

           Sephiroth grimaced and rubbed the back of his head. "I lost closer friends than Giles the last time I was deloused."

           The nurse made a face before turning a sweet smile on Giles. "Would you like your pillow fluffed?"

           "Please?"

           "You don't actually like him, do you?" Sephiroth asked.

           The nurse huffed. "He's a sweet man, unlike you. Do you think that just because you're handsome that I'll let you walk all over me? You're nothing but a manner-less twit."

           Sephiroth smiled and bowed. "I'm sorry. Where are my manners? Here." He gestured to an empty bed. "Sit down. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma?"

           The nurse gasped; face turning a nice shade of red. "You... You... You're nothing more than a mewling, idle-headed lout."

           Zack nodded, smiling. "That's a good one."

           "Just who do you think you are?"

           Sephiroth held out his hand to shake.  "Pardon me, but my name is Sephiroth."

           The nurse suddenly went white and fainted. Zack caught her and laid her on an empty cot. "Was that necessary?"

           "No. But she reminded me of Aeris and I only let her talk to me like that." He looked at Giles. "So how are you, Giles?"

           "Well, the doctor said that I can go back to work tomorrow."

           "Really?" Sephiroth shook his head. "Stay here a while. Rest up."

           "But, Sir! What will you eat? Who will cook for you?"

           Zack rolled his eyes. "We'll manage, Giles."

           "But you'll get fat on pizza!"

           Sephiroth groaned, "Better to get fat on pizza than to die of starvation, Giles."

           "Well then, Sir, I shall get up and cook."

           "I was talking about your cooking."

           "Huh?"

           "Exactly."

Back in Wutai

            "Lord Godo? I have bad news."

           Godo looked up at the messenger. "The troops I sent south were detected?"

           "No. They are in position now." The messenger dragged in Kakashi. "He's back." The messenger looked down at the former Wutai ninja. "And he seems to have been spliced with a fox."

           Kakashi looked up. "Lord Godo! I come with incredible intelligence on Shinra's army!"

           "I highly doubt that, Kakashi."

           "But I know the location of Shinra headquarters!"

           "Yes.  Right smack-dab in the middle of Midgar."

           Kakashi gasped. "But how did you know?"

           "They have street signs that say 'Shinra Corp this way' and banners bigger than Sephiroth is tall."

           "But the place is haunted by the ghosts of our warriors."

           "No, it is haunted by Hojo's failed experiments."

           Kakashi gasped. "But how did you know?"

           "Sephiroth kidnapped a priestess not to long ago and when he returned her, she gave a full report of the situation."

           Kakashi gave it one last shot. "I know Sephiroth's greatest weakness!"

           "Which is?"

           "Uh..." Kakashi licked his lips and hopped from one foot to the other. "He's gay and his lover, Cloud, is easily kidnapped!"

           Lord Godo rubbed his suddenly aching head. "If Sephiroth was gay, he wouldn't have slept with the aforementioned priestess." Lord Godo sat up straight, taking on his usual regal might. He scribbled a quick note on some paper and handed it to the messenger. "Send him back to Sephiroth with this note."

Later

            A low whistle filled the air.

            "I'm still not moving," Sephiroth said from his cot, arm thrown over his eyes.

           The whistle began to scream.

           "I'm with you, man." Zack rolled over and put the pillow over his head.

           BOOM!

           Cloud stuck his head in the tent. "Sirs? The weird animal thing landed on Giles again."

           Sephiroth didn't move. "Did it go through the roof or the window to hit him?"

           "Window." Cloud left.

           "Damn."

           Zack looked at Sephiroth. "Why the roof? The window is equally painful."

           "Wrong. The window is just glass shards. Easily washed away. With the roof, we're talking splinters. Big one and tiny ones. It would take weeks to find them all and some of them would have been guaranteed to hit Giles."

           Zack sat up. "You do realize that Giles is completely laid up right now."

           Sephiroth let his arm fall, an evil gleam sparkling in his eyes. "You're right!" He jumped up and ran to the canteen. Scanning the room, he found a small green creature sitting at the bar with a knife and a glass of whiskey. "He's in the infirmary and can't move to get away from you. But be careful. A stupid, fox-like creature that is just as stupid as Giles is in the vicinity."

           The Tonberry nodded and slowly climbed down from the chair. Sephiroth ran for the door. "Oi! Zack! Help me get Kakashi out of the infirmary!"

           The generals ran for the med tent and came to a screeching halt in front of the nurse. "I am not letting either of you in there."

           Sephiroth sighed. "I'm your superior officer and you are letting me in there."

           The nurse shook her head. "I highly doubt you are The General."

           Zack blinked several times. "Who else in this world has long white hair and glowing, green, cat eyes?"

           "I don't care. You're rude and I won't have you tormenting any patients. Besides, a poor animal just crashed through the window and needs some help."

           "I'm not going to torment anyone," Sephiroth said, "I am only removing the animal of which you speak."

           "I won't let you. The animal is hurt and you'll only say something terrible about its mother. How would you feel if someone insulted your mother?"

           "My mother is a ghost that talks to me in my head."

           The nurse stood there, blinking. Zack seized the moment and ducked around the nurse, while she just stood there, staring at Sephiroth. Grabbing Kakashi, he ran out the back door. Sephiroth waited for the dumbfounded nurse to say something, but she continued to stare, even as the Tonberry walked by. His job done, Sephiroth walked away, hair swishing back and forth behind him.

           He met Zack at the tent.  "Hey Seph, there's a note on him from Lord Godo on him."

            "What does it say?"

            "If you love the Planet, please kill him."

            Sephiroth pulled Masamune but a groan of pure frustration filled the air.  In the med tent, Giles had managed to roll away from the Tonberry's blade.


	16. Episode Sixteen: Vacation! Shinra Styl...

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: With the beginning of every summer, I go rollercoaster crazy.  The rollercoaster I must ride this year is called Storm Runner at Hershey Park.  Yes, Hershey, as in Hershey chocolate.  The town of Hershey has streets lined with street lights shaped like Hershey kisses and the air smells like chocolate thanks to the chocolate factory.  Also of interest is the Hershey Hotel rated 6 diamonds and its restaurant is 5 stars.  There are also the Hershey gardens, Hershey outlet shopping, and Hershey Medical Center.  Who would have thought that one chocolate bar actually represented so much?

2nd Note: Serious OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: NEWS FLASH!!: The video for the song "Giles Must Die" will air on Kalm Town's Music Video station at 4pm. The singer, Elena, is enjoying great success with this new hit, especially in Giles' home town of Nibelheim.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. George Lucas can kiss my Joseph Campbell loving ass. (If you got that joke, you deserve 100,000 points.)

Episode 16:  Vacation! Shinra Style!

            Sephiroth read the message over a second time. "Shinra wants us to visit his mansion for a holiday."

           Zack looked over. "Did that idiot forget we're at war again?"

           "Apparently." Sephiroth packed his bag.

           "You actually want to go?"

           "Anything is better than Giles' cooking. Besides, it's heartbreaking to watch that poor Tonberry not be able to do him in." Sephiroth threw his bag over his shoulder. "Come on. We'll arrive unfashionably early and start drinking before the Turks get there."

Shinra Mansion, Nibelheim

            "And there I wassss," Reno slurred, poking a finger at Rude, "Ssssuroundededed by a hundred ninjas."

           Tseng whispered to Elena, "He means the motorcycle; not the Wutai assassin."

           Elena nodded. "Figures. I didn't think he'd grown balls when I looked away."

           Reno leaned forward. "I'll have you know, missy, that I have ballssssss of steel."

           Elena's smile grew large and evil. "Really? Prove it!"

           Reno sat up. "I'm not that drunk yet. Now finish your beer. There are sober people in Wutai."

           Sephiroth dropped his bag and sat down next to Tseng. "And here I thought I could beat you guys to getting smashed for once."

           Rude snorted. "We're Turks. You may be The General, but you ain't got nothin' on us, Girlie-Man."

           "I'll take your word for it."

           Reno turned around. "Hey! Zack! Dude! You gotta try this stuff!"

           Zack took a can. "What is it?"

           "Some special brew from a friend in the slums."

           Zack took a drink. "Holy shit! This stuff is great!" He sat next to Reno and proceeded to get smashed.

           Tseng leaned over to Sephiroth. "Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news first?"

           Sephiroth sighed. "Good news first."

           "Shinra isn't here."

           "And the bad news?"

           "Hojo is."

           "Son of a bitch. You think he's up to something?"

           "He's got to be. There's a lab in the basement of this place and he's got something going on down there. And I'm sure this little 'vacation' has something to do with it."

           Sephiroth sat up. "Do you think its revenge for our support of Shinra the Younger's intolerance of him?"

           "Could be. I say, when darkness falls, we hit the lab and see what Hojo is cooking."

Several Drunken Hours Later

            "Shut up, Elena. You're making me sober."

           Elena rolled her eyes at Reno. Tseng nodded to her and she stood. "Where are we headin', boss man?"

           "Down stairs. We're going to pay Hojo a visit." He looked at Reno and Rude. "You two stay up here."

           "Sure thing," Rude said, tossing back another beer.

           Sephiroth and Tseng went down the stairs with Elena following behind. Entering the lab, they all groaned.

           "This place is huge," Elena breathed.

           Tseng nodded.

           "Do either of you know your way around?"

           Both of the men shook their heads.

           "Great. Well, I'm the woman and I say we'll go straight down the hall to start."

           The men crept forward, eyes sweeping over the many doors down the hall, while Elena kept on eye out from behind. They reached the end of the hall way without incident and tried the door. It was locked. Elena pulled a pin out of her hair and opened the door.

           The trio snuck into what appeared to be a dark holding area filled with cages for experiments, though only a few of them held anything at all. The little bit of light illuminating the room, came from the open door. Elena moved in for a closer look at one of the occupied cages. A pair of red eyes opened and looked down at her. She back away from the cage quickly and the eyes closed. Tseng and Sephiroth went for the desk, going through the files.

           "There's nothing here," Sephiroth said, "We might as well wait until Hojo comes back from where ever he went and spy on him."

           Tseng nodded and followed Sephiroth out of the room, Elena gladly leaving behind them. The red eyes opened to the darkness and watched the door close.

The Next Morning

            Sephiroth sat up in the rafters above the lab, specifically watching Hojo and generally cursing his bad luck. Needing a change in position, he tied his hair up and swung upside down. A pair of red eyes looked up, watching him intently from the cage underneath him. Sephiroth glanced over at Hojo. The good doctor was currently experimenting on one of Sephiroth's many clones. He looked back down at the cage. The red eyes belonged to a man wearing a tattered red coat. Thick black hair fell down his back.

           "So what did you do to piss off the doc?" he whispered.

           "I disagreed with his methods."

           "Don't we all."

            The red eyed man glanced at Hojo and then back at Sephiroth. "Why are you here?"

           "Just trying to find out why the hell he wants some of Shinra's best to stay for a sleep over."

           The man said nothing.

           "No help in exchange for a get out of jail free card? No comments?"

           The man shrugged. "I don't care what you are doing, so much as the idiotic way that you are doing it."

           Sephiroth sighed. "This from a man I'd normally have to pay admission to see. Look, if you aren't going to be helpful, can you at least be quiet?"

           The man said nothing, but looked away. Sephiroth pulled himself up and watched Hojo.

           "What is your name?"

           The General looked down. "Why do you care?"

           "You look like someone I knew a long time ago."

           He shrugged. "Sephiroth."

           Red-Eye frowned and fell into silence. Tired of the boredom, Sephiroth flipped upright and snuck out of the lab.

Upstairs…

            "One hundred, thirty-two thousand beers on the wall. One hundred and thirty-two. You take one down and pass it around and there's..." Reno looked around. "How many are there?"

           "I don't care," Elena said, "I want another shot." She held out her glass, hand shaking slightly.

           "Wow, Elena, I don't think I've ever seen you this trashed," Rude said, holding onto her hand while he poured her another shot.

           "You didn't go into Hojo's lab." She slammed the shot and rested her head against the back of the couch. A moment later and she was out cold.

Up in Seph's Room

            Hojo opened the door without knocking.

           "You know, one of these days I'm going to be naked and you're going to regret opening that door," Sephiroth said from the chair looking out the window onto Nibelheim.

           "What are you looking at?"

           "I'm trying to identify a certain person's house so I'm sure to get it when I eventually blow this place up."

           "Ah. I would like you to come down to the lab."

           "Of course you would, Hojo. If it doesn't involve a lab, you aren't a party to it." Sephiroth stood. "So what is it this time? More Mako?"

           "Actually, I wish to see the response of a particular experiment to your presence."

           Sephiroth shrugged and followed the good doctor. In the lab, Hojo tapped the cage of the red eyed man. "Wake up, Vincent. Do you have anything to say?"

           A pair of red eyes glowed from underneath a mess of black hair. "No."

           "Nothing at all? Hmm... Interesting." Hojo began scribbling notes.

           Vincent sighed. "Oh fine. Sephiroth. I am your father."

           "What?" Sephiroth blinked. "No! Wait... Let me check my file. I don't even know who my mother is. Hojo? What's my mother's name?

           Hojo looked up from his scribbling. "Jenova."

           "Liar!" Vincent hissed.

           "How do you know I'm lying?"

           "Your lips are moving."

           Sephiroth suddenly wished he hadn't come down stairs. "Is that all?"

           "Yes," Hojo said.

           Sephiroth looked at Vincent.

           "I have nothing to say."

           "That's all right. It was probably depressing anyway."

           Vincent turned away and went to sleep. Sephiroth went back up stairs and grabbed his bag before heading for the door.

           "Hey, Seph, where ya goin'?" Reno asked.

           "Back to the Front. Whatever the hell is going on down there, I don't want to know." He picked up a drunk Zack and slung the man over his shoulder. "You're coming with me."

           "But..."

           "No. We are so out of here."


	17. Episode Seventeen: Kidnapped!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Yeah, the Vincent episode was depressing, but it's Vincent people!  Cut me some slack!

2nd Note: Serious OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: NEWS FLASH!!: The video for the song "Giles Must Die" will air on Kalm Town's Music Video station at 4pm. The singer, Elena, is enjoying great success with this new hit, especially in Giles' home town of Nibelheim.

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 17:  Kidnapped!

            Kakashi stepped out of the shadows, Seal materia gleaming in his hand. An unsuspecting moment later, and the former, 'ronin' Wutai ninja wannabe was wondering how the hell he was supposed to get the sword, let alone the man, back to Mime.

In Mime...

            Sephiroth was still trying to figure out what happened. First he was in his tent, then he got up to get a water bottle, and then he woke up in a Wutai holding facility behind bars. He looked up when a random Wutai Officer came in.

           "Ha! Ha! I've captured you! You cannot escape!"

           Sephiroth shrugged. "Okay." He sat down and made himself comfortable in the chair left for him.

           "You're supposed to try to escape!"

           The General raised an eyebrow. "Why?"

           "So I can kill you and get all the glory!"

           Sephiroth rocked the chair backwards. "Not much in the way of incentive." He put his arms behind his head. "I guess I'll just take a nap right here, shall I?"

           "Oh, common on. I've got your sword right here."

           Sephiroth eyed the sword and the six Wutai ninjas attempting to carry it. "So long as you're taking care of it properly."

           "I'll kill you with your own sword!"

           "Listen, dimwit, how do you expect to kill me with my own sword when six men are having trouble lifting it? And wouldn't that be a clue, in and of itself, that I am at least six times stronger than the average man? The only reason I'm staying put is because your food can't possibly be as bad as Giles."

           "Who's Giles?"

           "Your greatest secret weapon."

Back at Camp

            "Seph? Seph?" Zack went from tent to tent, checked with the scouts, and then checked the infirmary. Not finding his friend anywhere, he messaged Tseng to see if The General had snuck home. Tseng said no. Preparing for the worst, Zack put on his gear and went into the woods toward the Wutai camp. Sitting in a tree, he watched the priestess' tent for signs of fun, but the girl was completely alone.

           Trudging back to camp, Zack cursed under his breath. "Damn it, where could he be?"

           A hand landed on his shoulder. Zack twisted, grabbed the arm, and hip tossed the owner, figuring that if it were Seph, he deserved it for the disappearing act. Giles rolled and crashed into the near tree. Dizzily, he held up a note. "Message, Sir..."

           Zack took it.

           _We have The General. If you wish to see him alive, he will be on display before execution in Mime. Entrance to see execution by a donation of ten Gil only._

           "Son of a bitch. How'd they get him?"

           Giles righted himself. "I think that fox thing took him."

           "I highly doubt that hideous excuse for a human being had anything to do with it."

           "But I saw him drag The General out of camp."

           Zack paused. "Care to repeat that?"

           "I saw him drag The General out of camp."

           "Hmm... I wonder how he managed to get one over Seph." Zack readjusted his bag. "Okay, I'm off on a rescue mission. I'll be back in two days."

           "Please take me with you!"

           Zack looked over his shoulder at Giles. "Listen, man, Seph'll kill you just as soon as look at you, so you probably want to stay here. Cook a special dinner or something."

           Giles thought about it, then nodded enthusiastically. Zack ran for the woods only to be tripped and slightly miss flying into a tree. Said tree only moved so as not to be hit by Zack's sword. The general groaned and pulled himself to his hands and knees. He looked up and came face to face with the Wutai priestess.

           "F..."

           Her hand covered his mouth. "You can't say that, remember?"

           Zack sighed and slumped to the ground. "What do want?"

           "I want to help you."

           "Help me what? Die? You're doing a really good job if that's what you're after."

           She huffed. "I want to help you save The General."

           "Why? I thought he ravished you or something."

           "It was a really good ravishing."

           "Oh." Zack sat up.

           "Besides, you're not going to get to Mime on foot fast enough."

           Zack stood. "So what do you suggest?"

           She pointed to a black chocobo standing behind her. "Long live my chocobo, for it takes me where I need to go."

           "Amen." He looked at the girl. "What's your name again?"

           "Meda."

           "All right. Let's go."

           They hopped on the chocobo and raced for Mime.

In Mime

            Lord Godo looked through the bars at Sephiroth. "Not going anywhere for a while?"

           "Nope. I guess that means I'll have a Snickers."

           "What?"

           "Don't ask. Explaining Shinra TV would only serve to fire you into a religious zeal to kill us."

           "Hmm..." Godo walked up to the bars. "Make your peace, son. You'll be finding out if there really is a hell or not in the morning."

           Sephiroth looked up from his book. "I know there's a hell. I work for Shinra. How exactly did I get here?"

           Godo pulled up a chair. "Kakashi apparently switched sides yet again and knocked you out with a sleep spell. He said he had a hell of a time getting you here. The chocobo's apparently wouldn't let you go near them."

           "The chocobos won't let me ride them anymore.  I've eaten too many.  They can smell it."

           "Is that what Shinra's feeding you over there?"

           "No. We're specifically ordered not to eat the chocobos, but its the only decent food. I know you remember rations."

           Godo considered this. "If that's the case, I'm surprised anyone follows Shinra."

           "Most people would follow Shinra anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

           "So why didn't you kill off Kakashi when I sent him back?"

           "Well, you see, I have this friend who's been trying for months to off this complete moron under my command. And anytime he gets close, the idiot manages to get out of the way. Just as I was about to put Masamune through Kakashi, my friend missed his chance again and I had to settle him down."

           "Poor guy. What's his name?"

           "Tonberry."

           Godo just stared at the young General. "You're serious, aren't you?"

           Sephiroth nodded.

           "Well, you're certainly the adult child of alien invaders." He stood to leave.

           "Before you go, what's for dinner?"

           Godo looked back. "Well, we figured we'd give you a nice last meal and made a Wutain delicacy."

           "Really? I'm honored. What is it?"

            "Marlboro pot pie."

            Sephiroth sighed and stood. "All right. I was being nice about this, but now you're all going to have to die." Masamune flew from the arms of the six men trying to carry it to Sephiroth's hand. He sliced the bars of his prison open.

Back to Zack!

            Zack and the priestess shot out of the forest like a black streak. They came to a stop, sporting scratches from tree branches, but looking down on the city of Mime.

           "All right! We've got time to spare. Tell me what you know of the city and I'll plan an escape route," Zack said as he dismounted.

           The priestess looked down at the city. "Uh... I don't think we'll have too. Most of the city's already on fire."

           Zack looked down at Mime and the screams suddenly filtered into his ears. "Holy shit."

           Sephiroth was walking away from the city calmly, a bloody Masamune resting on his shoulder. He stopped in front of the pair. "You look like hell."

           "Thanks." Zack looked down at the city of Mime, fires breaking out everywhere. "What did they do to deserve that?"

           "They were using Giles' cookbook to feed me."

           "Oh."

           "Hey, Meda."

           The priestess smiled and opened her mouth to say something when a flaming Kakashi ran up the hill. Finally remembering to stop drop and roll, he rolled back down the hill and crawled back up.

           "Ha! Ha! I've saved you!"

           The priestess blinked several times. "Who did you save?"

           "The General!"

           "Uh huh..."

           Sephiroth looked at the Wutai wannabe and moved to say something when the idiot realized there was something vaguely feminine in the vicinity that wasn't The General.

           "Hey baby! You come here often?"

           All the color drained from the priestess' face. "Not if you do."

           "Ah, come on. Don't be that way, baby! Let me show you how great the Kakashi love machine is! You know, you've got great boobs."

           "So do you," Sephiroth said as he tossed Kakashi into the air. Using the flat of his sword, he batted the shinobi back into Mime.

           The priestess just stood there, dumbfounded for a moment. "You didn't have to do that for me."

           Sephiroth looked down at her. "I didn't. I was offended on principle." He offered her his arm. "Shall we go back to the front?"

           She nodded. Zack, finally shaking himself of shock, shrugged and they walked back to the Front, chocobo following behind lazily.

            Zack smacked himself in the head.  "Oh shit."

            Sephiroth and the priestess looked at Zack.

            "I just remembered.  I told Giles to cook you something special."

            "I hate my life."


	18. Episode Eighteen: Little Black Dress!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is a no Giles episode! Yay!

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: As promised, she bought the dress.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 18: Little Black Dress!

"Finally! Some R&R!" Zack nearly jumped off the train before it had come to a complete stop.

Sephiroth sighed. "Yes. Vacation in Midgar." He looked around and suddenly gave into the depression. "I hate this place. Couldn't we have gone to, I don't know, the middle of Wutai with our uniforms on?"

"Come on, Seph. We're just here for the night, and then we'll be in Costa del Sol." Zack smacked his hands together, rubbing them animatedly. "Besides, we have to have dinner at Aeris' first."

"She'll poison me, Zack. You can see it in her eyes. This is her chance to take me out."

"I won't poison you, Sephiroth... yet."

The generals looked up to see Aeris... wearing a skintight, black leather dress. Well, dress was too strong a word. It was mostly leather straps that fell in just the right places. Zack fell off the platform step and hit the ground face first.

Sephiroth stepped over his friend's prone body. "Very nice, Aeris."

"I'm glad you like it. I guess Zack doesn't."

Sephiroth looked at Zack. "Oh, he likes it. After a fall like that, he won't be able to have sex for a week though." He looked her up and down appreciatively. "Are you sure you want to date him? I'm available."

Sephiroth hit the ground as Zack tripped him. "She's mine, bondage boy." He stood and brushed himself off. "You look great, babe." He offered her his arm. "Shall we go?"

Back at the House and a Change of Clothes (for Aeris) Later...

"Finally! Food Giles can never ruin," Zack said. He slurped down an entire bowl of soup.

Elmyra sighed over the spiky haired youth and looked at Sephiroth.

"Don't look at me. I don't know what hole he crawled out of."

Elmyra chuckled and Aeris rolled her eyes.

"I still find it amazing that you're dating him."

Zack gave his friend the evil eye over his soup bowl.

"But Sephiroth, I really did think of you all day," Aeris said.

Sephiroth blinked and regarded her suspiciously. "Really?"

"Of course. I was at the zoo."

Zack laughed into his soup.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and passed the bread basket to Elmyra.

"Do you need a knife for your roll, dear?"

"He doesn't need a knife, Mom. Seph cuts his food with his tongue."

"Now Aeris..."

"Don't mind 'em, Elmyra. This is the way they show each other affection," Zack said.

"It's true," Sephiroth said. "Aeris and I have always felt we should bury the hatchet... In each other's heads."

Aeris put the roast on the table and sat down next to Zack. "Who's carving?"

"I am," Elmyra said, "I don't trust Zack with sharp objects."

"Hey!" Zack whimpered. "Why me?"

Elmyra smiled and gave him the first slice. Dinner passed mostly in silence as the two generals ate like men rescued from a desert island.

"My..." Elmira trailed off.

"I told you they had the worst cook in the world. They rarely get a decent meal."

Elmyra nodded and put another piece of roast on Zack's plate. "Apparently..."

"I'd be willing to believe that our cook is a Wutai spy, except he's a moron and honestly believes the trash he serves us is good food." He looked at Aeris. "This is excellent by the way."

"Thank you."

Zack sat back from the table. "I'm stuffed."

"I can tell." Aeris poked him in the stomach.

"Oh, please don't."

Sephiroth laughed. "Where's the bathroom?"

Aeris gasped. "Oh, I didn't realize you were house trained!"

"I'm coming after you for that one."

"With all the food you ate? You're not moving for a while piggy-wiggy."

He glared at Aeris, but didn't quite manage to keep the smile out of his eyes. "Am I paying for this abuse or is it extra?"

"All part of the service!" She kissed him on the cheek. "First door on the left up the stairs."

Sephiroth excused himself from the table. Zack looked at Aeris. "Hey! Why don't we go out after our stomachs have settled?"

"I suppose you want me to wear that dress again."

Zack looked up hopefully. "Please?"

Out on the Town

Elena looked up from the bar. "Hey, am I drunk or is that Zack and Sephiroth?" The rest of the Turks looked up.

The Generals headed over to the bar. "We're beaten to the alcohol again."

Reno raised his glass. "Always!" He spied Aeris behind Zack. "Well! Where have you been all my life?"

Aeris blinked. "What do you mean - I wasn't even born for the first half of it."

"Ouch," Tseng hissed. "Nice... I can't even call that a dress. Where the hell did you find that, Aeris?"

"Leather shop in Kalm Town."

Sephiroth looked at her. "Michael's?"

She nodded.

"I knew you had good taste."

"Huh? I think I just missed something," Rude said.

"It's the same place I get my stuff."

Reno looked at Aeris. "So you mind if I smoke?"

"I don't care if you burn."

"Damn," Elena said, "We are soooo keeping you."

Aeris shrugged and hopped up into the bar stool next to Tseng.

"So exactly how do you two know each other?" Zack asked while pulling up a stool.

"When we were little, Tseng would bully the other kids, so I beat him up," Aeris said while ordering a drink.

"You were beaten up by a girl?!" Reno laughed.

"You wanna be next?" Elena said.

"You're on!" Reno tapped the bar. "Bartender? Line 'em up! I'm drinking this lady under the table."

The bartender looked up. "You couldn't the last twelve times you were here. What makes you think you can tonight?"

The bar erupted with laughter.

"I may look like I'm retreating, but I'm still victorious."

"Whatever," Elena said.

Reno looked back at the Flower Girl. "So what do you do for a living, Aeris?"

"I take care of my church and sell flowers on the street."

"So you're a tree-hugging, dirt worshipper."

"Yes."

"Great."

"Ignore him," Tseng said, "He isn't drunk enough yet to be polite."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"It means you're a gentleman after you're smashed," Elena said. "Here. Wait a minute while I buy you a drink."

"Just give me the cash," Reno snorted, "I'll get one later."

A few hours of too much fun later...

Zack laid a sleeping Aeris in her bed and before heading over to the guest room. Sephiroth lay on the first bed, reading under the soft lamp light.

"Aeris in bed?"

"Yeah, she's fast asleep." Zack took off his shoes and lay down in the other bed.

"You've got an amazing girl, Zack. Too bad I'm going to have to kill her one day." Sephiroth put his book down and turned off the light.

"No, you won't. You'd miss the insults."

The next morning...

"Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to poison the tea."

Sephiroth sighed and lifted his bag. "I promise to let you poison me when I get back to the Front. That way I'll have to be sent back to the lab and far from Giles' cooking."

"Here, here," Zack said. He hefted his bag and gave Aeris a quick peck on the cheek. "I'll see you soon."

"Bye."

They rubbed noses as Sephiroth walked out the door.

The boys gone, Aeris turned to her mother, who sat looking out the window at the retreating men.

"Aeris?"

"Yes, mom?"

"Is Sephiroth available?"

Aeris blinked several times. "I'm not touching that one with a forty foot pole."


	19. Episode Nineteen: Parsley, SAGE, Rosema...

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  This episode is a special request from my betas.

2nd Note:  OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note:  The Chocobo Kid…  Oh dear God…  What's happened to my brain?

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 19: Parsley, SAGE, Rosemary, and Chocobos

            "Well, Zack, we've come to it.  We've eaten too many chocobos."

            Zack looked at the mostly empty corral.  The few chocobos left huddled in the corner in abject terror.  "I guess we're going to have to breed them."

            "That means going to see the chocobo sage."

            Dead silence fell over the young generals. 

            "Oh dear god, Seph.  Don't make me go.  I've just about had it with this place.  If this insanity continues, I'm going AWOL."

            "And that would be different from when?"

            "Good point."

            "Come on.  Suck it up and be a man.  Grab some things and we'll head off."

Chocobo The Hut

            Sephiroth knocked on the door before going inside.  "Hey!  Anyone home?"

            "No!  At least, I don't think so…" and old man's voice trailed off.

            Zack stepped in behind Sephiroth and the two looked down on HIM:  The Dreaded Chocobo Sage. 

            "What do you boys want?"

            Sephiroth sighed.  "We need to breed chocobos.  How do we do that, besides the obvious?"

            "What's a chocobo?"

            "Oh dear God," Zack muttered.

            "Do you see the green bird sitting in the corner?  That's a chocobo."

            "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  HOW DID IT GET IN HERE?????????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

            "It's your pet.  You feed it everyday.  At least I hope you do."

            "IT'S GREEN!  IT'S A GHOST COMING BACK TO HAUNT ME!!!!"

            "No.  It's not a ghost.  It's a chocobo."

            "A GHOSTLY CHOCOBO!!!!"

            "Let's try this again, later."  Sephiroth grabbed Zack and dragged him out of the hut before he could bang his own head in.

A bit later…

            Sephiroth sat in front of the sage with a pen and notebook.  "So how do you get the chocobo's to breed?"

            "Well…  First you take a boy chocobo and then you get a female chocobo.  You play some good jazz music really soft…"

            "Uh-huh," Sephiroth said, taking notes, "Go on."

            "And then…  And then…"

            "And then?"  Sephiroth looked up.  The sage had fallen asleep.  "All righty then."

After a nap…

            "If you take a black chocobo and breed it with another black chocobo, you get a black chocobo."

            "Really?  Astounding."  Sephiroth yawned.

            "And if you mate a blue chocobo with a yellow chocobo, you get a green chocobo.  Or was it a purple chocobo?"

            Sephiroth's eyes slowly closed.

            "And if you take a carob nut and feed it to a great chocobo before mating it to a good chocobo, you get a green chocobo.  I think…"

            Sephiroth's head came to rest of Zack's shoulder.  Zack, already pissed off about having been dragged to the hut, began shaking with fury.  He moved and let Sephiroth's head hit the ground.  The General sat up quickly, looking for all the world, like a guilty schoolboy who'd fallen asleep in class.

A little later…

            "Take some Sylkis Greens and feed them to your blue and green chocobos until they're as strong as they're ever going to get."

            "Okay."

            "We're finally getting somewhere," Zack whispered.

            "After the feeding, go to the Gold Saucer Chocobo Square.  Find Ester and ask her to register the Chocobos for the races.

            "Go on.  Go on."

            "Keep racing until your blue and green chocobos are at least class A."

            "Yes?  Yes?" Zack said anxiously.

            "When your Chocobos are both at least class A, go to a Chocobo ranch and mate them with the…  The…"  The sage looked around blankly.  "I forgot."

            Both generals fell, face first, into the dirt.

A change of scenery...

            Sephiroth and Zack dragged the sage out of his hut.  Hopping into an airship, they went back to the front and set the chocobo sage in front of the corral. 

            "I want chocobos and lots of them," Sephiroth said.

            "Why are there so few?  Why are they huddling in fear?"

            "We've been eating them."

            "CANNIBALS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  The chocobo sage ran for the hills.

            Both generals sighed.

            "I'm not going after him, Seph."

            "Me either.  Come on.  There's a chocobo ranch up north.  We'll just buy the new chocobos."

            A hand landed on Zack's shoulder.

            "Holy Mother Of God!" the spiky haired general screamed.  He jumped and when he hit the ground, he was inside the chocobo corral.  The chocobos, sensing a chance for revenge, ran forward, sharp beaks gleaming.  Zack crawled to his hands and knees, dizzy.  He looked up at the stampeding chocobos.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  He jumped to his feet and ran.

            Sephiroth turned around to find a smiling Reno.

            "I love how your hair matches your eyes."

            Reno frowned.  "Ha-ha.  Nice one.  I haven't had a lot of sleep lately."

            "So what are you doing here?"

            "I'm investigating a chocobo black market," Reno said as Zack ran by, chocobos right behind.  "And by the looks of it, you're either involved, or you've been eating the chocobos."  Zack ran by again.  "You've been eating them, haven't you?"

            Sephiroth nodded.

            Reno jerked a thumb at Zack.  "You going to help him?"

            "He's been a whiny little bitch all day.  Not a chance.  Besides, he can jump the fence." 

            Zack ran by again.  "HELP!"

            Again.  "PLEASE!"

            Again.  "I'M BEGGING!"

            And again.  "I'LL PAY FOR KALM TOWN COUGARS SEASON PASSES!"

            Sephiroth and Reno grabbed Zack, and pulled him out of the corral.

            "You bastards," Zack wheezed.

            "So you're heading up to the chocobo ranch?  I'll go with you," Reno said, "I believe the infamous 'Chocobo Kid' is actually Billy, who runs the place."

            "Hmm...  Interesting.  'Chocobo Kid?'" 

            "Yeah, some guy has been stealing chocobo's and selling them real cheap on the black market.  Usually, Shinra doesn't give a damn, but he's selling to Wutai."

            "Never steal from Shinra.  They hate competition."

            "Exactly."

            "So what are you going to do if this Billy is the Chocobo Kid?"

            "Make him give me the best chocobo he's got for the races or pay a visit to Hojo."

            "Harsh."  Sephiroth cocked his head to the side and then leaned over to have a look behind Reno.  Reaching out, he grabbed Giles by the head.  "What are you doing, Giles?"

            "Uhh..."

            "I thought so.  Listen, Giles, you are not and will never be a super secret spy.  Go do something productive, like, I don't know, committing suicide."          

            "But..."

            "What?"

            "I know who the 'Chocobo Kid' is!"

            "Right..."  He looked at Reno.  "Let's go."

At the Ranch

            Choco Billy looked up in fear.  "I'm not the 'Chocobo Kid!'  Honest!  Why would I steal my own chocobos and sell them on the black market for less than I sell them here?  It makes no sense!"

            Reno put Billy down.  "Good point.  I still want a black chocobo for the races."

            Billy brushed himself off.  "A good one, great one, or a wonderful one?"

            "The best you've got.  I'm not losing anymore money to Rude."

            Sephiroth looked at Reno.  "You're betting against Rude?  Geez, man, even I know better than that.  No one can pick 'em like Rude."

            "Exactly.  Which is why I'm stacking the deck in my favor."

            Billy brought out a black chocobo.  "She'll cost 50,000 gil plus another 10,000 for my trauma."

            "Ah, man..."  Reno started digging through his coat for his wallet.

            "I'll just take a Chocobo lure and greens," Sephiroth said, "Zack and I will just chase them down."

            "Thanks for asking me," Zack said.

            Sephiroth blinked.  "Zack, would you like to fight the monsters or feed the chocobos?"

            Zack humphed and rolled his eyes.  "If I have to do this, you're doing most of the work.  I'll feed the chocobos."

A very poor Reno and a full corral later...

            Sephiroth looked down at the bowl of sludge in front of him.  "Giles?  This is inedible.  You know that don't you?"

            "It doesn't matter.  I know who's been stealing the chocobos!  I know who the chocobo kid is!  He was stealing from our corral!"

            "And how do you know this?"

            "We haven't been eating that many chocobos!  I know!  I'm the one cooking them."

            Sephiroth sighed and picked up his bowl.  He handed it back to Giles.  "Go dump this for me.  I can't eat it."

Later, under the cloak of night...

            "I told you this would happen."

            Giles looked up at the cloaked figure.  "But...  But..."

            "You can know who I am, but it does you know good as no one listens to you."

            "But The General likes me!  He really does!"

            "You know that isn't true.  Join me, Giles.  Come over to the Chocobo side."

            "I can't!"

            "You must!"

            "I...   I..."

            "Join me.  Join the Chocobo Kid."

            "I...  I...  I will."

            Cloud let the hood fall back from his face.  "Excellent."


	20. Episode Twenty: Cloned!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: By request, a short glossary of terms:

OOC – Out Of Character

AWOL – Absent With Out Leave

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Next meeting of the "We Hate Giles" Club is Tuesday. Music provided by Elena and the Turks.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson and Dr. Seuss.

Episode 20: Cloned!

"Package, Sir!" Giles handed a box to The General. Sephiroth tore the letter off of the top and smirked when he opened it. "Who's it from, Sir?"

Sephiroth set the package on his desk and opened it. "It's from Number One."

"Number One?"

"My first clone."

Zack sat up and leaned forward. "What did he send you?"

"Well, apparently, my complaints about the food found their way to his ears and he sent us something edible." He pulled a can of ravioli out of the box and tossed it to Zack.

"Sweet!"

"But, don't you like my cooking, Sir?"

Sephiroth looked at Giles. "The short version: no. The long version: Hell no."

"But they're my mum's best recipes!"

"Considering your mother lives in the Midgar zoo, that explains a few things."

"But I love my mum!"

"And I love steak with mushrooms, but I don't seek its advice. Now get out. I'm not sharing with you." He kicked Giles out of the tent. Sitting back down at the desk, he began to rifle through the box. "Soup, spaghetti, sauce, salad dressing, canned veggies, tuna, canned fish, cereal, and rice."

"Yum!" Zack slapped his hands together, mouth watering. "What should we have first?"

"Well, why don't we raid the kitchen for greens and have tuna salads?"

"Great!"

A Very Satisfying Meal Later...

Both generals lay on their backs, staring at the darkening sky. Tiny dots of light appeared like tiny dots of hope on the dark blue tapestry of night.

"Oh God, Seph. We haven't eaten that well since vacation." Zack patted his stomach. "Now if only we could get good meals all the time."

"Here's to hoping."

"A message for you, Sir!" Giles dropped the letter on Sephiroth's chest.

The General sighed and opened it. "Oh damn."

"What?"

"Apparently Shinra has a spy in the camp and he wants to know why our reports don't jive with what the spy is saying."

"Our beautiful night has been destroyed." Zack sat up. "Oh well. Let's see how we can weasel our way out of this one."

Sephiroth stood and brushed off his pants. "Depending on who the spy is, this might not be an all bad thing."

The Seventh Ring of Hell (and dropping...)

Sephiroth walked into Shinra's office. "What's this about, Shinra? We've been giving you..." He trailed off when he saw who was sitting next to Scarlet. His eyes narrowed. "Oh. It's you."

The woman, also known as Kate, smiled brightly. "It's nice to see you too, Sephy."

Shinra cleared his throat. "Ah. You two know each other. Well, Kate here has been my spy on the front for a while now. And what she has to tell me about your performance at the front has been rather enlightening."

"Really."

Shinra and Kate, also known as 'Ball Breaker' among enemies, didn't notice the iciness of Sephiroth's tone. Both Scarlet and Zack began edging toward the door.

"Why don't you tell us what's going on, Kate?"

"Yes," Sephiroth breathed. "Tell us everything you know. It'll only take ten seconds."

Zack and Scarlet began rattling the door, trying to get out of the room.

Kate, also known as 'Evil Bitch,' visibly tensed. "I do not have to take your abuse."

Zack donned his gloves and punched out the glass. He lifted Scarlet to get her into the hall.

"That's all right. I'll just continue to fling insults at you anyway."

"You better watch yourself, Sephy, or I'll make your life a living hell."

Zack and Scarlet froze.

"Go ahead. Make my day."

Zack tossed Scarlet out into the hall before diving out after her. Both scrambling to their feet, they grabbed a very confused Rufus and ran for the stairs.

A Few Hours Later...

Sephiroth and Rufus sat at the bar sipping their whiskey.

"So how are you going to get out of this one?" Rufus asked.

"Not sure."

"So how do you know Kate?"

Sephiroth sipped his whiskey in silence.

"Ex-girlfriend?"

"Nope. I turned her down when she asked."

Rufus took a sip of his whiskey. "Why?"

"She's a bitch. And I only take that sort of attitude from Aeris."

"And what about Scarlet?"

Sephiroth blinked. "Is Scarlet really a woman?"

Rufus smiled into his whiskey. "So she's got your by your balls..."

"Figuratively speaking. I just have to find a way to discredit her. Make her say something that will be perfectly obvious to your idiot father that she's lying."

Zack walked in the door of the bar and did a double take. He looked at Sephiroth, who was standing right next to him, and he looked at Sephiroth, who was sitting at the bar with Rufus. "I... I'm confused."

"I _told _you I wasn't Sephiroth," Number One said and crossed his arms over his chest.

Sephiroth looked up and the Evil Smile (tm) curled his lips. "I just had an awful idea."

"What?" Rufus looked in the direction of the door.

"A wonderful, awful idea." He stood up. "Bitch is going down."

The Next Day...

"I'm really glad you decided to take my offer, Sephy," Kate, also known as 'She Who Must Die,' said. She giggled as she hung on Number One's arm.

The clone smiled. "On the contrary, _Katie_, I've decided that, since you're trying to sabotage me, I'm going to have to kill you."

The color drained from her face. She turned and ran. Number One sighed, disappointed at how easy it had been, and slowly followed. Kate, also known as 'Doom,' ran into President Shinra's office and came face to face with Sephiroth, having tea with Shinra.

"He tried to kill me!" She screamed.

Shinra blinked. "When?"

"Just now! Outside!"

"But, The General has been here all morning."

Kate, also known as 'Screwed,' blinked. "But I was just outside and he and I had breakfast and..."

"I think, President Shinra, that this just proves that your spy is incompetent or a double agent." Sephiroth smiled into his tea. "With her current efforts to sabotage me and therefore, your army, I believe that she is a double agent."

Kate, also known as 'Dead Meat,' gasped and escaped before the guards could catch her. President Shinra stood.

"Don't bother going after her, President Shinra. I know just the man to do it for us." Sephiroth walked out of the President's office and into Rufus'. Number One sat behind the desk, rubbing Dark Nation's ears.

Rufus looked up from his window perch. "All according to plan?"

"Of course."

Sephiroth sat down on the desk. "Thanks for the help, bro."

"No problem. I'll send you more food in a week."

"So how do you tell the difference between the two of you?" Rufus asked.

Both man and clone pulled up their right sleeves. A bare wrist and a wrist tattooed with a number one gleamed in the halogen lights.

"Ah."

Under Cloak of Darkness

"All you have to do is transport him to her location," Sephiroth said.

Cloud stared at the Tonberry. "No way."

"Do it, or I tell the Turks who the 'Chocobo Kid' is."

"How did you find out?"

"Giles."

"Damn back stabber."

"Oh, he never gave you away. I just know when he's telling the truth. I followed him the night he decided to go to the chocobo side."

Cloud looked up. "Will you join us?"

"Sorry. I joined the Mako side a long time ago."

Cloud groaned and mounted the black chocobo. Sephiroth handed him the Tonberry. He and the Tonberry went through the motions of their secret hand shake. "I'll have 50,000 gil waiting for you when you return. I've already arranged free drinks at the bar for you for the rest of your life." Tonberry gave him a thumbs up and then he and Cloud were off.


	21. Episode Twenty One: Evangelist!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Since there is a lot of confusion on this topic, we shall visit the Sephiroth clones issue. In the game, Sephiroth is dead. His body is encased in a Mako crystal at the bottom of the Northern Crater. In the game, the person you are fighting is clone number one, marked with the tattoo on his wrist. He was the only truly successful clone of Sephiroth. In the game, clone number one is possessed by Sephiroth's dead spirit. This is why, in the game, you see two distinct Sephiroth's: The clone, possessed by his 'brother' and Sephiroth's spirit, which flies around and actually flies _through_ Cloud at one point.

            I'm sure I'm going to get arguments on this and that's mostly because the American version of the game is HORRIBLY translated. So everyone pull out your FF VII, dust it off and put it in the nearest compatible game console. When you see Sephiroth in the crystal, look at his hands, wrists, and arms. No tattoo. Still not convinced? Oh well, I tried.  Thanks for hearing me out.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Giles really sucks in this one.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. Apologies to Lovecraft. And Dungeons and Dragons belongs to E. Gary Gygax. begin rant I don't care what his b---h wife, TSR, or who ever the hell owns it now has to say about it. D&D is Gary's!!!!! end rant

Warning: Bad Disney joke to start. Bad Monty Python joke later.  Really, REALLY bad sexual joke after that.  You have been warned.

Episode 21: Evangelist!

            Sephiroth opened the box and looked inside. Sighing happily, he closed it and stuffed it under his desk.

           "She's in there... isn't she?" Zack asked, watching The General as if he were a madman.

           Sephiroth's lips curled into the Evil Smile (tm). "Just one part of her, preserved in formaldehyde."

           "You're a sick man. So... What color is it?"

           "Surprisingly green. Apparently, it came out that way."

           Zack opened his mouth, thought better of it, and leaned back in the chair. "You're really sick."

           "So you've said, Zack. You're starting to sound like a broken record."

           "Speaking of broken records, Giles is coming to the door."

            "Damn," Sephiroth muttered and turned. "Another message, Giles?"

           Giles fidgeted. "Uh, yes, Sir, but not from Shinra."

           "From who then?"

           Giles took a deep breath and firmly planted his feet. "It is a message from God!"

           Sephiroth blinked, confused. "I don't remember messaging myself..."

           "I worry for your immortal soul, Sir! So I have come to save you!"

           Zack fell backwards out of his chair, going into hysterics.

           Sephiroth, uniquely amused, pushed the Private to continue. "And which God would this happen to be, Giles?"

           "Pholtus! God of the Sun, Law, and Order!"

           Zack started howling.

           "Pholtus is the only true God! Follow him and victory for Shinra will be assured!"

           Sephiroth looked around. "Is this copyright infringement?"

           "Come, Great General, kneel and pray with me! We shall convert this entire camp to the glory of Pholtus!"

           "Oh! Seph! My side hurts!" Zack cried, laughing through tears.

           Sephiroth watched in horror as Giles knelt and began to pray aloud to his deity.

           "Oh Pholtus, please bring General Sephiroth to see that your way is the One True Way. Help him to become a priest! Like me!"

           "That's it." Sephiroth picked Giles up and tossed him out of the tent.

           "This is religious discrimination!" Giles yelled.

           "I'm not discriminating against your religion, Giles. I'm discriminating against your stupidity, and as your commanding officer, I can do that anytime I please. Go evangelize someone else." Sephiroth fell into his chair and grumbled, "If the Jehovah's Witnesses weren't enough..."

In the Camp

            Cloud looked at the slop on his plate. He looked up at Giles. "No way man." He dumped the slop onto the counter and dropped the tray on the floor. "Pizza night!"

           A sudden rush of soldiers crowded around Cloud with money. A neat shing was heard and all froze. They turned slowly to see Tonberry in the doorway, knife held high. He lowered the knife, and when his hand came back up, he held a fist full of Gil. The men cheered.

           Cloud took the money and went over to The General's tent. "We're ordering pizza, Sir. Tonberry is paying for you and General Zack."

           "Ordering from Nibelheim OIP again?" Zack asked.

           "Yes."

           "Boo-Yah!"

           Sephiroth looked at the two. "What's this all about?"

           "The Nibelheim OIP delivery girl is STACKED!" Zack said, using hand movements to explain the largeness of the delivery girl's chest area.

           Sephiroth looked at Cloud.

           "Huge tracks of land, Sir."

           Sephiroth smacked himself in the head. "That's it. We're switching from 'The Holy Grail' to 'The Life of Brian.'" Both men groaned. "Out! And tell Tonberry I said 'thanks.'"

Delivered Hot, Fresh, and When You Want It!

(No, not the delivery girl! Bad Audience! No Biscuit!)

            Tifa Lockheart jumped off the chocobo and every straight man in the camp sighed in contentment. "Nibelheim Pizza!" She struck a pose, assured that the tip from this trip alone would pay off her latest chocobo racing debt. Flashing a bright smile, she opened the door to the covered pizza cart and began passing out the pies.

           Giles jumped in front of her and, suddenly unbalanced, Tifa hit the ground. All the men, excluding Giles, sighed in despair that nothing 'popped out.'

           Giles waved his arms at the crowd. "My fellow soldiers! You must not partake of this hussy's evil pie!"

           "YES WE WILL!"

           Tifa, suitably pissed off, kipped up. Thirty seconds later and Giles was a pile of martial arts goo lying in the grass. Stepping firmly on his groin, Tifa handed out the next pizza.

           "Hey, Tifa."

           Tifa handed Cloud a pizza. "Hey, Cloud. How's the army?"

           "Not bad. Not enough chocobos though."

           Tifa looked around for a minute before leaning in close. "Any good black ones?"

           "Depends on how much money we're talking about."

           Tifa licked her lips. "I really don't care what color it is so long as it's fast."

           "How about I give you a tip then instead. A Turk named Reno bought himself a sweet ride a little while back. Properly trained, it'll bring in a lot of money. The ride has no marks on it. An easy steal."

           "I've got twenty thousand on hand."

           Cloud shook his head.

           "I have Exit Materia and Shield Materia."

           "That'll do."

           "QUIT HOLDING UP THE LINE!"

           Tifa flipped off her bracelet and handed it to Cloud. He bowed with a polite smile and wandered off, being sure to step on Giles.

A Bit Later...

            Giles stepped up on the soap box, wearing the robes of a priest of Pholtus, a small group of soldiers around him. "My fellow soldiers. We now live in a time of lawlessness and chaos. We must reject those things if we are to live happy, lawful lives. Cast off the mantle of pain. All you need is faith in Pholtus."

           "All you need is a swift kick in the pants," Sephiroth said. The crowd scattered. "Why couldn't you have picked a less offensive God to worship? Someone like, I'd know... Heironeous?"

           "Not lawful enough."

           Sephiroth glared. "Say that again."

           "Not lawful enough, _Sir_!"

           "Very good." Sephiroth sighed. "You do realize, Giles, that Pholtus hates Nibelheim?"

           "No, Sir!"

           "Yes. And Pholtus actively seeks to destroy your mother."

           "But why, Sir?!" the Private moaned in anguish.

           "Because your mother is a source of chaos."

           "How, Sir?!" said with a great gnashing of teeth.

           "She gave birth to you."

            "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Giles ran off into the distance.

           Sephiroth sighed. "If only he were that motivated in battle."

           Zack stepped up next to Sephiroth. "If only he were that motivated in the kitchen."

           "That's the problem, Zack. He is that motivated in the kitchen."

A Pizza Feast Later...

            Zack looked out of the tent. "Giles is back and he seems to have left the Pholtus stuff behind."

           "I still say its copyright infringement."

           "Nope. Fair Use Act."

           "Ah."

           The generals fell into a comfortable silence and someone tapped against the tent flap.

            Sephiroth looked up. "Come in."

           Kakashi stepped in wearing a large green robe with an octopus hanging around his neck. "Ai! Ai! Cthulu Fhtagn!"


	22. Episode TwentyTwo: Star Crossed Lovers!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  I have a special treat for everyone!  This is a guest episode written by Julia, one of my three betas.  Julia, also known as Jules, Juice, Juste, Jewy, Elf, and Blues Rat, is, in fact, descended from a race of very short elven folk.  Family members hit twenty and do not age until sixty. 

2nd Note:  OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note:  When I read this, I thought I was going to die.  Thank God I wasn't eating anything when I sat at the computer.  Julia, unfortunately, does not have a fanfiction.net id.  She does, however, have a website: Enjoy!

Disclaimer:  Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.  Apologies to Rowan Atkinson and anyone with good taste.

Episode 22:  Star Crossed Lovers!

By Julia!

            Zack stood with hands on hips at the edge of the Chocobo pen, staring at the birds inside.  "This isn't going to work, Seph.  We need more Chocobos."

            The General didn't look up from sharpening Masamune.  "Hard to run a cavalry with five birds, true.  Since when do you care?"

            Zack pointed at him, glowing eyes serious.  "I care about important things.  And we cannot run an army like this.  These Chocobos have become necessary for survival." 

            Sephiroth now looked up in concern at his apparently feverish friend.  "You mean, you actually meant it when you said you had a report to deliver?"

            The porcupine-headed man nodded.  "I've been doing some investigation.  You see, we're running out of money for pizza delivery.  ShinRa pays crap, and do you know how much we have to tip Tifa so she can deliver all the way out here?  I have ascertained the only way we can raise enough money to continue ordering pizza is by racing Chocobos.  But all our good ones have been sold to Wutai!"  Zack paused and struck a pose.  "However, being the great general that I am, I have…a cunning plan."

            "Oh, no…"

            "Oh, yes!  But you and I are going to have to make some sacrifices for our boys in blue."  Zack picked up a sack that sat next to him.  "We can't count on Rufus.  He'll take all our profits if he finds out what we're doing.  That means we're going to have to steal our Chocobos back."

            Sephiroth looked dubiously at his second-in-command.  "Zack, do you think we have anyone here who's qualified to sneak into Wutai and steal Chocobos from ninjas?"

            "Yes!"  Zack grinned an evil grin, and pulled something out of the sack.  "We have two.  For the good of the troops, Seph, you and I are gonna have to go behind the lines.  Undercover."  And he handed the dress to Sephiroth.  "Compliments of Reno.  Matches your eyes."

            The silver-haired man stared at the piece of fabric in something like horror.  "No."

            "Sephiroth, think about it."  Zack looked at him grimly.  "It's either this, or we start eating Giles' cooking again."

Some time later…

            Following the lovely 'Zackina' through the Wutai market crowds, Sephiroth fumed.  He found some comfort in the fact that the long skirt hid Masamune easily.  And the traditional veils worn by Wutai women did cover the glowing eyes, not to mention everything else.  Still…         "Remind me, Zack.  Is Giles cooking really this bad?"

            "Our Special Forces dropped some down a well to poison Wutai's water supply."

            "Right.  And why did you tell the guard that I'm the Wutai Beast Woman, on leave from the circus?"

            "Well, you are really tall, Seph…ina."

            Possibly saving Zack's life, the two 'men' saw the Chocobo auction stalls come into view as they rounded a corner.  "Thank the Planet.  At least this won't take long."

            Zack began to make a scene out front as a distraction.  Sephiroth slipped into the stable and cut a hole in the back wall with Masamune.  The General led the stolen Chocobos out, heading for a pre-determined point outside town where he'd meet up with Zack.  Fool-proof.

            As the string of Chocobos emerged onto the forest path, Sephiroth's world crashed in around his ears. 

            A cry of "Black egg!" and a puff of smoke went up before the Chocobo train.  The great general watched Kakashi fell out of a tree next to him, grunting in pain.

            The ninja hopped to his feet.  "The honorable Shinobi patrol the woods, never slacking in defense of our sworn lord!  Halt, dishonorable thief—"  Kakashi went silent as he laid eyes on Sephiroth.

            Curious in spite of himself, Sephiroth paused.  Had Kakashi somehow managed to penetrate his disguise?  "What?"

            Kakashi found his voice after a moment.  "You…  Light of the Sun, most beautiful of all women I have ever beheld!"

            "Oh, no."

            Kakashi stepped closer, trying to take Sephiroth's hand.  Sephiroth picked him up by the shirt and threw him at a tree.  "Get away from me."

            "Ow!"  The shinobi bounced back to his feet.  "I marvel at your warrior-like strength and skill!  Truly, you are a queen among women."

            "I'm not a woman, you blind lemming."

            "Indeed, no.  You are a goddess!"

            "Go away or I'll kill you."

            "Ah, such fire!  Speak more, and let me hear your dulcet voice, my love!"

            "No."  Well, at least the little idiot wouldn't interfere with his mission.  Sephiroth turned and started moving again. 

            Kakashi followed, exclaiming on the nobility of Sephiroth's posture, poise, and stride.  This is what Zack saw when the other general arrived, late, at their meeting place.

            Stunned, the black-haired general pulled off his veil.  "Seph?  Is that who I think, spouting love poetry at you?" 

            "A rival!"  The shinobi drew a sword.  "Stand back, man in a dress, for this fair one has agreed to take my hand!  You shall not have her!"

            Sephiroth kicked him, and said disgustedly, "Put that back on, Zack, before someone sees you.  We still have to get out of here."

            "Uh, yeah.  What about him?"

            "He won't warn anyone."  Sephiroth grabbed his suitor by the hair.  "Will you?"

            "My fealty is yours, Empress of my heart." 

            Seph dropped him like a stick of chewed gum.  That is, Kakashi clung to his hand. 

            Zack watched in shock as his friend jumped, yelped, and swung the little ninja into a tree like a baseball bat.  Then Sephiroth strode over to the chocobos, cold as ice.

            "Seph?  WHAT was that?"

            In a voice like death, the General replied, "The little bastard pinched me."

            "So protective of her virtue…" Kakashi sighed, embedded in the tree.

            "Let's get out of here before he frees himself and tries to follow."  The two generals each took half the Chocobos and headed down another path.

An hour later…

            "Okay, Seph, I think we're clear.  Can we get rid of these stupid clothes now?"

            Still simmering with rage, Zack's companion growled, "They were your idea, Zack.  I ought to staple that dress to you."

            Zack divested himself of the dress and veil, revealing his uniform underneath.  As Sephiroth lifted a hand to tear off his own veil, he heard a protesting cry from behind them.

            "No!  Fair maiden, don't sacrifice your modesty!"

            The silver-haired general spun, eyes blazing so green that they glowed beneath the veil.  "Kakashi."

            Kakashi ran up, panting.  "Look!  He…(huff)…he's nothing but…a ShinRa spy!  He's (huff, pant) not even of Wutai blood."

            Zack walked over.  "How in the name of the Ancients did you find us?"  At the same time, Sephiroth shouted, "I am NOT A WOMAN!"

            "I kissed the ground where she walked, and followed the scent of her delicate perfumed foot."  Kakashi made a move toward Sephiroth's feet, intending to demonstrate.

            "That's it."  Zack backed away, eyes wide, as Sephiroth broke out the Voice of Doom ™.  "Kakashi."  He ripped off the veil.  "I am not a woman."  He tore off the dress.  "I am Sephiroth." He reached for Masamune.  "And I am going to kill you."

            Kakashi backed away as well, looking horrified.  "Sephiroth?  But…the beauty…"  He ran a few steps away.  "Nooooooooooooo!  The horror!  I have dishonored myself!  There is only one way to atone.  I must commit seppuku!"  The furry-eared ninja pulled out his sword and stabbed himself through the stomach.  "Now…it is done."  He fell to the dust and lay still.

            "Huh," Zack grunted.  "Wish Giles were that easy."  He went to grab the Chocobos. 

            Sephiroth put away Masamune with an air of satisfaction.  "That'll do.  So long as you're dead."

            "Uhm…"  Both SOLDIERs whirled to look at the dead ninja, who continued, "Funny, that.  It, uh, doesn't seem to be working."

            "Oh.  No."  Refusing to let this stand, Sephiroth stepped over to him.  "I'm sure you just didn't try hard enough."  He grabbed the sword impaling the small man and wrenched it around a bit.  "Here, let me help."

            Zack muttered, "He screwed up suicide?  Hold on, let me hold him down here for you."

            Ignoring Kakashi's cries of pain, Sephiroth finally stood, pulled the sword out smoothly, and threw it on the ground in disgust.  The two men watched the wound begin to close.

            Sephiroth spoke a single word with all the loathing in the world.  "Hojo."

            "He's immortal?!" Zack exclaimed.  "Someday we're gonna have to get that crazy bastard for everything he's done."

            "Yes."  Sephiroth glowered at Kakashi.  "In the meantime…"  He pulled out a Manipulate materia and hefted it thoughtfully.  "Let's see how many animals I can get to attack him."


	23. Episode Twenty Three: Race!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is my Advent Children theory: The guy in the white cloak is Sephiroth. I theorize that Kadaj, Yazoo, and Loz dig him out of the Northern Crater.

What? You don't know what Advent Children is? It's the movie sequel to FF 7.

If you're still sitting there, reading this, I'll let you know another secret. Square-Enix is releasing a FF 7 prequel for mobile phones called 'Before Crisis' where you get to play the Turks. Much spiffy.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Julia extends her thanks to everyone who liked her guest fic. Since FF.net doesn't like to post links in the fics, I put the link to her website on my profile. So click on my name. When you get to her sight, click on the 'Death on the Bus' link. This was an art project she did in college and it's really cool.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 23: Race!

Zack looked in the tent, around it, and then checked all places near by. Assured that he was completely alone, Zack sat in Sephiroth's chair and began rifling through the desk drawers.

"May I ask what you're doing?"

Zack suddenly passed out from fear, his head smacking the desk.

Cloud looked up at Sephiroth with a smug smile. "I told you I could do a great impression of you."

"Wow." Sephiroth went over to the desk and checked to see if Zack still had a pulse. Satisfied, he dropped the SOLDIER's hand. "He's out cold." The General pulled Zack's wallet out of his friend's back pocket and handed Cloud ten Gil. "Remind me never to take a bet against you."

"So what's he digging around in your desk for?"

"The keys to the motorcycle. He's been trying to quit the army and run off since the whole 'Giles Evangelist' affair."

"Hmm..." Cloud leaned over Zack. "So what was Sword-Boy going to do for a living?"

"Become a super model."

Cloud blinked several times, turned, and walked out of the tent. The peacefulness did not last long.

"Message, Sir!"

Sephiroth pulled the letter out of Giles' hand, and shoved him back out of the tent. He read it over twice and looked at the two tickets. He kicked Zack in the shin.

"Ow! Aeris! I don't want to get up!"

Sephiroth rubbed his temples. "I'm not touching that one with a ten foot pole," he muttered. Sighing, he picked his friend up by the collar of his shirt. "Get up, Zack. We're going to Midgar."

Zack, hanging in the air by his shirt, blinked at Sephiroth. "You're accepting my resignation?"

"No. We're going to see the Chocobo races. Tseng's treat."

"Oh yeah!" He struggled out of Sephiroth's grip and ran for his trunk. "I've been saving up for betting at..." he trailed off. "My money's gone." He turned an accusing eye on Sephiroth. The General's eyes got big and he began to look so innocent a halo appeared behind his head. "What did you do with it?"

Sephiroth smirked. "Remember that lovely leather dress Aeris bought?"

"I'll get you for this."

"Good luck."

The Seventh Ring of Hell (and dropping)

Giles followed after the generals, carrying their bags, and huffing under the weight.

Tseng looked at Giles as he walked by. "What the hell did you two bring? Bodies from the front?"

Sephiroth shook his head. "Nope. It's random junk. I just wanted to make him suffer for a little while."

"Ah."

The generals followed Tseng into the stands where Elena and Rude were making their picks and placing their bets. Knowing that all hell would break loose if he didn't, Sephiroth spotted Zack for the first bet.

In the Crowd…

Reno paced back and forth. He glanced up at the betting boards, growled, and continued pacing. Elena tapped him on the shoulder. "What's your problem?"

"Somebody stole my chocobo!"

Elena blinked several times. "So what are you going to race?"

Giles took that inopportune moment to walk by.

A smile curled Reno's lips. "I'll be back." Grabbing the Private by the collar, he walked Giles to the stables. "Guess what, pal? You're going to be my chocobo for the race and if you don't win me enough money to get completely smashed later tonight, I'll just have to convince myself that you're the infamous 'Chocobo Kid.'" He shoved Giles toward a stale. "Time to saddle up!"

In the Stands…

Zack leaned over the railing. "Oh… My…God…"

Sephiroth looked. "What? Oh, Reno is riding Giles. It's good to see him getting some exercise."

"No! Not that!" Zack pointed. "On the black chocobo! It's the Nibelheim OIP girl!" Zack started doing the 'Happy Butt Dance,' which consists of a lot of shaking followed by a Boo-Yeah!

Tseng looked down the line. "Wow. Those are some nice tracks of land…"

"And they'll be bouncing…" Rude muttered.

All the men pulled out binoculars and leaned over the railing. Elena walked up behind the guys.

"What are we looking at?"

"Heaven…" Zack mumbled.

Elena pulled out a pair of binoculars and sighted Reno on Giles. "Oh, yeah…"

__

_AND THEY'RE OFF!_

_City Slicker takes the lead, followed closely by Sol Wonder._

_Green Bean is in third position, followed by Dark Heart, Private Giles, and Misty Rose._

_Rounding the corner, Sol Wonder takes the rail, coming out a neck ahead of City Slicker._

_Coming out of the tunnel, Private Giles takes the lead! His rider is really putting the crop to him._

_Sol Wonder is close behind and City Slicker falls back. _

_Misty Rose moves into third position, followed by Green Bean, Dark Heart, and City Slicker._

_Turning the corner, Sol Wonder takes the rail again, maintaining the lead._

_Sol Wonder, followed by Private Giles, is coming down the stretch. _

_WHAT THE HELL?_

_COMING UP FROM BEHIND, IT'S DARK HEART!_

_DARK HEART IS CATCHING UP TO SOL WONDER!_

_PRIVATE GILES IS RIGHT BEHIND!_

_THEY'RE COMING CLOSE TO THE FINISH!_

_DARK HEART AND PRIVATE GILES PULL AWAY FROM THE CROWD!_

_THEY'RE NECK AND NECK!_

_IT'S GONNA BE A PHOTO-FINISH, FOLKS!_

_AND HERE THEY COME, BOTH RIDES ARE LEANING INTO IT AND…_

_DARK HEART WINS!!!!_

_And Dark Heart's rider, Tifa Lockheart takes the prize!_

The guys closed their eyes, sighing before slumping into the chairs behind them.

"That was, undeniably, the best race ever," Zack said.

"Uh-huh," Tseng muttered.

Elena eyed the boys. "You all look as if you just orgasmed."

Rude opened and eye and looked over his sunglasses at her. "Not yet. But as soon as we get back to…"

"Stop!" Elena held out her hands. "I don't want to know."

"Would you like to know if it involved you?" Tseng asked.

Elena folded her arms over her chest. "I'm not THAT lucky."

In the Stables…

"All right! Second place still won me a shit load of cash! Time to get plastered!" Reno ran from the stables while Giles wandered out slowly, rubbing his sore back.


	24. Episode Twenty Four: I Think I'm a Clon...

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: The dreaded song-fic. Must... not... succumb... Screw it. Here's the requisite song-fic, parody style. I have done a song fic before, but in a very untraditional manner. If you like the Ronin Warriors and happen to be in the mood for some Dais bashing, look up "No Doubt, Any Time."

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: This is an all clones episode. The Chorus of the song is brought to you by Clones Number 7, 15, 25, and 56 (who resembles an amorphous blob).

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. 'I Think I'm a Clone Now' belongs to 'Weird' Al Yankovic. 'One-Winged Angel' does not belong to me, but I have yet to find the composer's name to give him or her credit. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due: Clone Number Two is brought to you by: The Crow That Caws at Half Pass Six. Hey Crow, thanks for the idea.

Episode 24: I Think I'm a Clone Now!

_Isn't it strange__  
__Feels like I'm lookin' in the mirror_  
_What would people say?_  
_If only they knew that I was_

            Number Six yanked on Number Two's lab coat. Number Two sighed heavily and pushed his glasses up on his nose. He let his clip board fall just enough to look at Number Six who had a Frisbee hanging out of his mouth.

           "I don't have time to play with you, Six. I have several important experiments to do. Go bother Number Three."

           Crestfallen, Number Six trotted outside to find Number Three. Number Three was sitting in a lawn chair in a pair of green trunks, sunglasses, and a mirror held up to his neck for an even tan. Number Six dropped the Frisbee in his lap. Number Three lifted his shades to reveal a 'raccoon' tan line around the eyes.

           "Hey, Six! Wanna play?"

           Number Six jumped up and down happily. "Ssssssssssseeeeeffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!" He jumped on his older 'brother' and licked his face.

           "All right! Settle down! Let's call the twins, eh?" Three pushed a com button on the wall behind him.

In the Lab...

_Part of some geneticist's plan (plan-plan-plan)__  
__Born to be a carbon copy man (man-man-man)_  
_There in a Petri dish late one night_  
_They took a donor's body cell and fertilized a human egg and so I say_

            Number Two looked over clones 13 and 14. They were both nine years old and identical twins. Well, almost... Number 13 was a girl. The entire lab was still trying to figure that one out. To tell the difference between them, Number 13 was forced to wear a green bow in her hair. Forced being the proper term for it. She huffed at Number Two. Number Two frowned at her and made a note on his clip board.

           The com beeped and a fuzzy message came through. "We're going to play Frisbee, kids! Come on up!"

           The twins made as if to jump from the table.

           "Stop!" Number Two ordered. He gave them both a stern look. "Leave before I'm done and it's a Mako treatment for you both."

           "They can leave," Number One said. The kids ran for it.

           Number Two turned to look at his brother who was leaning against the wall with a smirk that mirrored Sephiroth's so well the Hojo wanna-be did a double take. "I wasn't finished with my experiment!"

           "A pity that."

Outside...

(Chorus with choreography!)

_I think I'm a clone now__  
__There's always two of me just a-hangin' around_  
_I think I'm a clone now_  
_'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down _

            The twins came out of the building like bats out of hell, followed by clones Eight and Ten. The clones started tossing the Frisbee around, playing keep away from Number Three.

           "Hey, Raccoon!" 14 yelled, "Catch this!" He whipped the Frisbee to Eight, who back handed it to Ten. The Frisbee went flying over his head and Three reached for it. Then, as if by miraculous means, Number Six leapt into the air, spinning gracefully, and caught the Frisbee in his mouth. He landed with a roll and whipped the Frisbee at 13.

           "Way to go, Six!"

           "Eww! Six slobber!" 13 cringed and threw the Frisbee to her twin.

_Look at the way__  
__We go out walking close together_  
_I guess you could say_  
_I'm really beside myself_  
  
            Number 43 followed Number Two out of the lab and into the yard. "Please experiment on me!!! I know you want to! You have that evil experiment gleam in your eye! Come on! I promise I won't touch anything and I'll be really quiet! That is, unless, of course, you want me to yell. And then I'd yell really loud for you. I'm really good at that. And Number One said you could if you wanted to since I'm so gosh darn willing! And, did you know what I had for breakfast today! I got to have cookies and ice cream because the cook in the cafeteria is so nice and she listened to me ALL morning. Ooh! Look! They're playing Frisbee! I love Frisbee! I want a green one painted to look like a cat's eye! I'd play with it all day! And..."

           "WILL YOU SHUT UP?!"

           Number 43 blinked. "Well, if you really want me to, I can. I mean it isn't like it's a big deal or anything. Do I talk too much? Number One says I don't talk enough and that you don't talk enough so we should stick together. And..."

           "I'm going to kill him," Number Two muttered as he wandered toward the Frisbee match, which currently had 14 in the middle.

Back in the Lab...

_I still remember how it began (gan-gan-gan)__  
__They produced a carbon copy man (man-man-man)_  
_Born in a science lab late one night_  
_Without a mother or a father, just a test tube and a womb with a view_

            Number One handed Hojo the test tube rack from the top shelf. He stifled a yawn. "So what are we working on this evening?"

            "I believe Number Two has been using my lab for unauthorized experiments. We are going to be finding out exactly what he's been up to."

            "Why do you care?"

            Hojo frowned. "Because it my seriously jeopardize my work."

            Number One raised an eyebrow. "Sure you aren't jealous? He's much better at this than you. He'll be hard to catch."

            "With the new security cameras, I don't think so." Hojo lifted a remote and turned on a screen. He hit rewind and sped the tape back to Number Two looking over the twins.

            "So, exactly what happened that 13 is a girl?"

           Hojo threw up his hands in frustration. "I don't know. I still don't know what happened to Number Six! I swear someone spliced him to a dog when I wasn't looking."

           "But the DNA tests prove otherwise?"

           "He should have turned out like you. They all should have turned out like you."

           "Interesting. The fruit fell from the tree, rolled down the hill, went through a few mud puddles and ended up somewhere near Midgar. Hmm..." Number One pondered this.

Back Outside...

(Chorus!)

_I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)__  
__There's always two of me just a-hangin' around_  
_I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)_  
_'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down_

            Number Six made another fantastic leap and caught the Frisbee in his mouth. He hit the ground on all fours and dropped the Frisbee, panting. 14 went over and petted Six's hair.

            "Ah... Did we tire you out?"

            Number Six nodded.

            Three pulled out a water bottle and handed it to Six, who sat down and drank from it, looking, for a short time, vaguely human. Or at least like Sephiroth._  
__I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)_  
_And I can stay at home while I'm out of town_  
_I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)_  
_'Cause every pair of genes is a hand-me-down_

In the Lab...

            Number One rifled through his little brother's notes while Hojo looked over the test tubes and samples in Petri dishes.

            "The notes here seem to be nothing but a study on the twins. He's been trying to determine exactly what caused 13 to be feminine." Number One flipped through a few more notes. "He's predicting that another female will come out of the next batch of clones."

            Hojo pulled the notes from Number One's hands. "How? Where is he seeing the anomaly?"

            Number One crossed his arms over his chest. "He isn't seeing an anomaly. He's creating it. The difference between male and female is one hormone at a critical moment. If these notes are any indication, I believe there's another set somewhere saying he's the one who caused 13's unusual circumstances."

            Hojo suddenly looked very angry. He crushed the notes in his hand, visibly shaking. He stalked out of the lab.

            Number One's lips curled into an evil smile. "Or I could be lying..."

Back Outside Again...

_Signing autographs for my fans__  
__Come and meet the carbon copy man_  
_Livin' in stereo, it's all right_  
_Well I can be my own best friend and I can send myself for pizza so I say_

            Number Three pulled out paper plates and everyone sat around the pizza Number Four brought. Number Four, yet another mystery to the lab, had a Mohawk, a LOT of piercings, and penchant for studded black leather. He occasionally died his Mohawk pink and green. It was currently silver, though he had racing stripes cut into the sides.

            The clones dug into the pizza with the exception of Two who was trying to get 43 to shut up by shoving pizza in his mouth. Hojo stormed out of the lab and grabbed Two by the collar of his lab coat to drag him away. Everyone blinked several times before continuing with dinner.

_(Chorus)_

_Estuans interius __  
__ira vehementi _  
_Estuans interius _  
_ira vehementi _  
_Sephiroth _  
_Sephi--_

            "GUYS! WRONG CHORUS!"

            Seven, 15, 25, and 56 stopped dead and looked at their sheet music. "Sorry!" 25 yelled.

Later that night...

            13 looked up at Number One. "Well?"

            Number One smiled. "It's all taken care of. Next batch will include a baby sister just for you."

            13 clapped as she jumped up and down.

_I think I'm a clone now__  
__Another one of me's always hangin' around_  
_I think I'm a clone now_  
_'Cause every chromosome is a hand-me-down_  
  
_I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)_  
_I've been on Oprah Winfrey - I'm world renowned_  
_I think I'm a clone now (a clone now)_  
_And every pair of genes is a hand-me-down_


	25. Episode Twenty Five: Camp!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: All right! There's a ton of fanfiction conventions, especially in FF 7 fics, out there and I've hit a few: song-fic, cross-dressing fic, reference to Sephiroth and/or Cloud being gay and most likely with each other - fic, masquerade-fic, and the 'Sephiroth Saves Aeris' fic.

I have yet to write the: crossover-fic (which is in the works), and the 'blanket scenario' fic (which is currently scaring the bee-jeezus out of me! I mean, THINK of the possibilities! The ways I could torture Zack, or Seph, or Rufus, or Heidigger...).

I know I'm missing a few other fanfic conventions, so help me out people! If there's something you've seen in EVERY fic, tell me so I can parody it!

I am debating whether or not to do a self-insertion and/or mary-sue parody.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: Ah yes... the all Hojo episode...

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. I also apologize to all Hello Kitty fans.

Episode 25: Camp!

            Hojo stood before President Shinra. The President was taking his time, shuffling through papers and annoying the good doctor.

           "Since you felt it necessary to drag me out of the lab, I should hope that you would have something worth saying to me."

           The President looked up and smiled with smug innocence. He handed a file to the good doctor. "Science is very important to the world. The study of the planet and the beings living on it is a fascinating subject. As it is beneficial to ShinRa to continue these studies to our profit, it is important to instill a love of science in the youth. And so you will be teaching a science class at a summer camp for children."

           Hojo's jaw hit the floor.  "What?"

           "I think it would be beneficial for you to get out into the world every once in a while. Think of it as a vacation from the lab."

           Hojo began to shake with fury. He ground out through clenched teeth, "I don't want a vacation from the lab."

           The President's smile faded. "You'll do it or I'll cut your funding."

           Suddenly defeated, though still shaking with anger, Hojo stood and walked out of the office, wondering how fast he could clone himself.

Apparently, Not Fast Enough...

            Hojo grumbled as several small children ran around him and refused to take their seats. Suddenly remembering years gone by, he realized just how well behaved a child Sephiroth had been. Standing behind the head lab table in the science camp building, he pulled out a Bunsen burner. Hooking it up to the gas and lighting it, he pulled out a can of hairspray. The resulting fire ball had all the children stop dead in their tracks with several oohs and awes.

           "Now, if you will take your seats, I'll teach about a few things far more interesting and much more explosive."

            The children ran for their tables and watched him large, hungry eyes. Hojo shuddered at the sudden, sickening attention and turned to the board, chalk ready.

           "In this class we shall study genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is man's way of correcting God's hideous mistakes, like everyone but me."

           He drew a quick double helix on the board and turned to the children. They stared at him with their wide, interested eyes. A sinking feeling started in the pit of his stomach.

           "Since I'm sure you're all familiar with the basics of anatomy, we shall look at a video on Mako enhanced SOLDIERs."

           The good doctor flicked off the lights and turned on the projector. When he was sure the children wouldn't notice, he snuck out the back...  and right into Tseng.

           The Turk smiled. "You know, Doctor? I didn't think this assignment would be interesting at all. You know... Sitting around... Keeping you in class... I thought for sure that I wouldn't be having any problems at all."

           Hojo swore under his breath and backed into the room, closing the door. The children seemed to be settling into their chairs, as if they had just run back to their chairs. Eyeing them suspiciously, he waited for the film to end.

Day Two...

            The children sat in their chairs, hungry eyes following him around the room like lions watching an injured gazelle. The good doctor actually looked at the children and nearly choked. The two sitting front and center looked like chibi versions of Lucretia and Vincent. Swallowing hard, he turned to the board.

           "Today we will discuss splicing."

           He heard every chair in the room pull up closer to the tables. Cringing, he made several, quick, mostly unreadable notes on the board. Pencils scribbled behind him to copy the writing.

           He turned. "Splicing is a relatively easy procedure and requires little equipment. However, the equipment necessary is expensive and so the processes are left to laboratories." He pulled out a video and slipped it into the VCR. "This is a video of a captured Wutai ninja being spliced to a Vulpes Vulpes, or common fox."

           The children squealed in perverse delight as the video started up. Seizing the moment, Hojo opened the back door. Looking around, he saw no sign of the ominous Turk. He closed the door and found Tseng standing behind it.

           "It would be a shame if your funding went away because you couldn't teach a few children."

           Hojo went back inside. The children watched the video with a sick sort of rapture. The two look-alikes up front whispered to each other conspiratorially. Hojo opened the door again.

           Tseng sighed. "Do NOT start with me, Hojo. You will NOT win."

           Shaking with fear, Hojo closed the door.

Day Three...

            The children were already in their chairs, waiting for him when he came in. A hand from the back shot up.

           Hojo eyed the hand with growing alarm. "Yes?"

           "Can we watch the splicing video again?"

           Sudden relief gave way to overwhelming suspicion. "I take it that you found the film interesting."

           "Oh yes, Dr. Hojo. It was fantastic!" a girl up front exclaimed. The rest of the class snickered.

           "Are there any objections to watching Kakashi be spliced to a fox?"

           Everyone shook their heads. Another hand shot up.

           "Yes?"

           "Can we watch it on a bigger screen this time?"

           Hojo blinked and then lowered the projection screen before loading the video into the overhead. The children moved as one from behind the tables to sit in a circle, very close to the screen as the film played. Hojo opened the door to the hallway. Tseng was no where in sight.

           He stepped out of the room, felt something touch his arm, and everything went black.

Day Four...

            Hojo sat up in bed and looked at the clock. He had fifteen minutes till class. Yawning, he tossed his Hello Kitty pajamas into the corner and pulled on his pants and lab coat. Walking to the classroom, he froze when he touched the door knob.

           "I never left the class..." he muttered. He looked around, panicked. And then he caught a look at himself in the glass door of the classroom.

            "AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

           Tseng opened the door and looked down at the good doctor, who was currently fetal. Smiling, he closed the door. "Great job, kids!" He pulled out two HUGE bags of candy. "Time for recess."

The Seventh Circle of Hell (and dropping...)

            Hojo marched up the steps to the President's office. Rufus looked up from his desk and Scarlet dropped her coffee mug. Hojo nearly ripped the door off of its hinges and walked inside. Slamming his fists on the President's desk, he managed to dent the wood.

           "I WILL make you suffer for this indignity!" he spat before turning on heel.

           "And, I'll cut your funding... Furry."

           Hojo screamed with rage. Rude and Reno grabbed the good doctor by the arms and dragged him back to his lab. Rufus looked through the broken door at his father. The President smiled and nodded at his son before handing Tseng, who stood behind him, a large wad of Gil.

           "What the hell?" Scarlet asked.

           Tseng looked up. "Wanna guess what the kids spliced him with?"

           Scarlet shook her head. "I don't know... a marlboro?"

           Rufus' jaw dropped when the answer suddenly came to him. "It was a muskrat!"


	26. Episode Twenty Six: We Want You!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  I am going on vacation until the 25th.  If you are desperate for fanfics to read, check out my favorites list.  If you haven't read Twig Collins' 'A Long Hard Road' you need to check it out.  It is one of the best FF7 fics out there.  If you want some time traveling, cross dressing action with a large dash of Zack acting like an idiot, read XD's 'Timeless, Ageless, Changeless.'  Both are excellent fics and they are both complete.  Also, if you check out Twig's homepage, she's got some great fan art friends have done for her fics.   

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note:  I'd like to thank everyone for contributing ideas.  I will put them to evil use; **_very_** evil use.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 26: We Want You!

            Sephiroth's jaw hit the floor, literally. He raised a hand from the floor, grabbed the edge of President Shinra's desk, and pulled himself up. "You want me to _what_?"

           "I want you to become the Army's new poster boy. You will model for the posters starting at nine tomorrow." The President handed him a card. "This is the photographer's address. Dismissed."

           Sephiroth stared at the card, fuming. He walked out the door and looked at Rufus. "You better not have had something to do with this," he hissed as he walked by. Grabbing Zack by the hair, he dragged his friend out of Shinra HQ. "I'm going to kill him, Zack. I swear to God I'm going to put Masamune through his belly."

           "OW! You're going to kill me if you don't let go!"

           Sephiroth stopped and let go of Zack.

           "Geez, Seph! What did the man do to you this time?"

           "I'm going to be the army's new poster boy."

           Zack snickered. "So you're going to get bent out of shape over a few pictures?"

           Sephiroth sighed and sat down on the stairs. "You're right. How bad can it be?"

Famous Last Words

            Sephiroth double checked the address one last time before knocking on the photographer's door. The card neglected to mention what the photographer's name was, but a corporation name and logo gleamed 'Nature's Feast' in the early morning light. The door opened and a woman's hand waved him in.

           He stepped into a candle lit room with thousands of pictures of himself plastered all over the walls. Odds and ends he'd lost or tossed out over the years sat on shelves next to small and large statues decorated with flowers and offerings. Before he could make his escape, the door swung shut and bars slid down.

           "My love! My God! You have finally come to me!"

            Sephiroth turned to see a woman in a long, flowing, mostly see-through gown with long, flowing, most-likely-a-wig hair. A truck load of make-up covered her face, obscuring her true appearance. She held her arms out to him.

           "Oh my beauteous angel! How I have longed for you! How I have gazed upon you from a far! But no more! My love! You have come home!" She threw her arms his waist.

           Sighing, Sephiroth pulled out a notebook and pen. _List of things to do before I die: Kill Shinra on sight._ He closed the notebook and put it away. "All right," he said, "I'm leaving."

           "But I finally have you here! You cannot leave me!"

           "Yes I can."

           "But I have to see more of you!"

           "There isn't any more of me."

           Tears began to flow from her eyes in torrents, causing mascara and eyeliner to smear. "But I LOVE you! You can't leave me! I'll be a broken shell of a woman!"

           Sephiroth looked around. "Apparently you were a broken shell of a woman before I even got here. Listen: I am not your god, nor your angel, nor anything else. I am a raving sociopath raised by a mad scientist in a geneticist's lab. I am NOT a prime catch."

           "That doesn't matter to me! I'll dance for you in worship! I know I can turn you on!"

            "You couldn't turn on a radio," he muttered.

           "What will it take to get a kiss out of you?"

           "Chloroform."

           "Please hear me out! I wish to marry you!"

           "Let's skip straight to the divorce."

           The water works went on full blast as she fell to her knees, gripping the bottom hem of his coat. "All I want to do is make you happy!"

           He knelt down to be eye level with her. "Do you really want to make me happy?"

           The girl nodded as she whimpered.

           "Then let me leave."

            "NO!" she barked and, catching him off guard knocked him to the floor.  She straddled him quickly.  "There's another, isn't there?  Some obsessive skank whose true dirtiness you cannot see!"  She pulled a knife.  "If I can't have you, no one will!"

            Sephiroth sighed and grabbed her wrist on the down stroke.  Holding her arm above her head, he stood and lifted her into the air.  "One, none of the women I associate with are skanks, and I take exception to the thought.  Two, I do not appreciate stalkers.  And three, what in God's name made you think you could kill me?  I'm THE General, not some sloppy little miscreant who can't wipe himself let alone shine his shoes.  I appreciate the attention of a woman, but I have no time for stalkers."

            He flicked his wrist to get a look at the materia he'd switched into his cuff.  The manipulate materia gleamed in the candlelight.  Smiling, he looked up at the frightened girl.  "To be honest, to have been able to take a few of these pictures, you'd have to be a perfect spy."

Seventh Ring of Hell (and dropping)

            Sephiroth sat down on the couch and graciously accepted a cup of tea from Elmyra. Zack and Aeris sat across from him, looking between each other and The General worriedly.

           "I take it back, Zack. Cloud isn't a stalker."

           "Oh god... What happened?"

           "Well, considering that she already had millions of pictures of me, and I do mean millions, I convinced her to use a few good shots of you and me directing the army and then I sent her into Shinra HQ to take some ahem pictures of Rufus."

            "Why?"

            "So Shinra the Younger will never be able to screw me over."

           The other three occupants of the room shook their heads while Sephiroth sipped his tea.

           "You are an evil man," Zack said.

            Sephiroth snorted.  "I said it once, I'll say it again:  I only take womanly crap from Aeris."


	27. Episode Twenty Seven: KFC!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note:  I had a great vacation!  My husband and I went to Wrightsville Beach in North Carolina.  It's a wonderful place and the beaches aren't that crowded.  We visited the Aquarium, Serpentarium (lots of snakes), Cotton Exchange (shopping center in the historical buildings used to sell harvested cotton.  We also went on a ghost tour of the historical district.  Very cool.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. KFC and the KFC trademarks belong to the KFC Corporation.   The 'Force' belongs to George Lucas.

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due: Giles' mother's identity is my sister Caitlin's idea.

Episode 27: KFC!

            Zack, bag already over his shoulder, handed his friend a note and then ran like hell. Blinking rapidly in confusion, Sephiroth opened the piece of paper and read its contents. The roar of anger that sounded across the camp was deafening.            

            Tonberry sat up, sensing distress.  Everyone in the bar froze.  He made a strange motion with his hand.

            "What's he saying, Joey?" a soldier asked the barkeep.

            "He says he senses a disturbance in the Force."

            Tonberry produced a fist full of Gil.

            "And he's buying a round of the hardest stuff we've got to make the feeling go away."

            "HOORAH!"

Seventh Ring of Hell (and dropping...)

            Aeris opened the door to a very pissed off Sephiroth.

           "Where is he?"

           Aeris leaned against the doorjamb, arms folded across her chest. "Costa del Sol."

           Sephiroth opened his mouth and shut it quickly, realizing that Aeris had just given him a direct answer.

           Aeris looked him up and down. "You had the whole 'tell me or I'll kill you' speech ready, didn't you?"

           Sephiroth put his head down, hands behind his back, and shuffled his feet. "No..."

           Aeris smiled. "Ah... Come on... Don't be so sad... Go ahead. Give me the speech."

            Sephiroth smiled and looked up. "Sorry, Aeris. I have to save it for Zack and when I get a hold of him..."

           "Don't kill him. He's cute when he's stupid. Just drag him back to camp. It'll be just punishment for running off."

            "He tried to resign again.  So what the hell is he doing in Costa del Sol?  Trying to become a model again?"

           Aeris shrugged. "I don't know. He said something about opening a fast food joint."

            Suddenly, everything went deathly quiet.  A terrible, inconceivable thought washed over them like a Mako bath.

           "You don't think..."

           "He couldn't have..."

           Silence reigned again and they both shuddered in fear.

           "I'll get my stuff."

           "I'll meet you at the train station."

Costa del Sol

            Aeris cruised the beaches while Sephiroth checked every dive in the city with no sign of the porcupine headed one. They met on the boardwalk.

           "No sign of him so far," Aeris said.

           "I guess this means he was serious about the fast food."

           Both were silent for a full ten minutes.

           "I guess this means we check the chocobo stables..." Aeris trailed off.

           Sephiroth nodded and they both walked with heavy feet toward their doom. Their doom turned out to be a nice corral with a lot of sold chocobos. Faced with The General, the owner of the stables gladly pointed them toward the newest fast food joint in town: Korel Fried Chocobo. The building was a monstrosity in red and yellow and was packed full of hungry tourists.

            Aeris tapped a random tourist on the shoulder. "You realize that you really are eating a chocobo... Right?"

           "Pfft. It's not really chocobo. No one would eat those adorable little guys." The random tourist took another bite. Aeris cringed and backed into Sephiroth, who grabbed her arm and dragged her to the counter.

            "May I take your order..." the fast food jockey trailed off, staring up at The General.

           Sephiroth smiled while Aeris regained her feet. "Is the proprietor in?"

           "Uh... Up stairs..." The boy's eyes glazed over and he vaguely pointed to stairs.

           "Man, I hope I never look like that."

           Sephiroth looked down at Cloud. "What the hell are you doing here?"

           Cloud crossed his arms raised an eyebrow at his commanding officer.

           Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Right. Chocobo Kid." He let go off Aeris who was currently beating at his arm with her fist.

           "You almost cut off my circulation!"

           "Sorry." He looked at Cloud. "How many chocobos?"

           "More than either you or Wutai have in your stables."

           Aeris gasped. "Wow."

           "They've been eating them like candy." Cloud smiled lazily as he looked around. "I suggest you get up the stairs before the staff lets Zack know you're here. He might try to slip out the back. Speaking of which..." Cloud ducked and ran for cover.

           "Hmm..." A light went on in Sephiroth's head. "I've got a better idea."

           Aeris climbed the stairs to Zack's office and knocked.

           "Come in!"

           Aeris opened the door. Zack was no where to be seen. "Uh... Zack?"

           "Is Seph with you?"

           Aeris closed the door and found Zack standing behind it. "You do realize that Seph wouldn't have knocked."

           Zack hugged her. "How did you find me?"

           "Korel Fried Chocobo? Come on, Zack, give me some credit.  Only you are that bad a speller."

            "Whaddya mean I'm a bad speller?!"

            Aeris sighed.  "Forget it.  Anyway, you can't be feeding people chocobos.  They're not a food source."

            "But they taste so good!"

            "You need help." 

           "So…  Seph isn't with you."

           Aeris looked at her feet.

           "Oh... Sh--" He ran for the window and jumped; landing right next to Sephiroth, who grabbed him by the collar.

Back to Normal

            Zack sat in his chair, fuming. "I hate you."

           Sephiroth finished filing the paperwork that would leave Zack in the army until his death. "No you don't. I'm only doing what's best for you Zack. You aren't made for the outside world. You'll just get hurt."

           "I still hate you."

            "Spell the word Corel."

            "K-O-R-E-L.  Korel."

            Sephiroth sighed.

           "SIRS!"

           Sephiroth looked up. "Yes, Giles?"

           "My mother came to visit and I'd like you to meet her. She's really sweet and a big fan of yours. She even made brownies."

           Sephiroth smiled. "Well, the day is looking up." He stood and the Giles' mom entered the tent. She threw her arms around him.

           "MY ANGEL!"

           Sephiroth sighed. "Zack, meet my stalker. Stalker, this is Zack."


	28. Episode Twenty Eight: Castlewhat!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is a Castlevania: Lament of Innocence Parody as well as an FF7 parody. Yes, we've reached the crossover episode and its REALLY long. If you haven't played CV: LoI, it's a really good, 'I'm-stressed-out-and-must-kill-everything' game. The cinema screens aren't perfect, but the characters are cool and the game play is very smooth. Plus, it's BISHI HEAVEN!

2nd Note: EXTREME Sports OOC-ness ahead. We are talking X-Games OOC-ness.

3rd Note: LARP = Live Action Role-Play. A fun thing to do with the right people and the right game mediator, however, most of the time, the plotlines mediators come up with are really lame. And the people tend to be kooks, rather than kooky. If you play, make insane characters that screw with everyone.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Castlevania belongs to Konami. Walter is gay. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. If you recognize it, the quote is from Ronin Warriors which is owned by Sunrise.

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due: All right! Beta #3, Sarah, has contributed a TON of stuff for this episode. Oh how I love her and her evil goodness! Wait… That made no sense…

Episode 28: Castle what?!

Sephiroth blinked several times. Zack scratched his head. Giles looked around vaguely.

Zack gave up. "Where the hell are we?"

"In front of a large castle, Sir."

"I can see that, Giles. I'm not blind. I want to know where the castle is."

"Right in front of you."

Sephiroth put a hand on his friend's shoulder and shook his head. "Give up. I know you hope that one day, if he keeps talking, he'll say something intelligent, but it isn't going to happen."

Zack sighed. "Should we head inside?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "Sure. We should be able to get a good view of the surrounding area from the tower." He looked over his shoulder. "Hey Giles, shake a leg."

They marched inside the gates, up some stairs and into a large, circular room with three doors. A tall man with flaming red hair struck a pose on the balcony. "Welcome to my castle." He changed positions, striking a new pose while whispering 'vogue.' "I am the master of the castle." He struck another pose. "Walter Bernhard."

"Oh yeah. We can tell what you're burning hard for," Zack snorted.

Walter stood up straight, doing his best to look impressive. "To leave this castle you must defeat me, but first you must defeat my five guardians."

"Why would we have to defeat them to get you?" Zack asked. "I mean, really. I could just chop you in half right now."

"You could try, but I am a vampire and beloved by the night."

"Oh that explains everything. You're a deranged LARPer."

Walter put his hands on his hips. "I am a Vampire! V-A-M-P-I-R-E. Vampire!"

"Yeah, whatever." Zack looked at his friend. "I say we chop him in half and go to the top tower."

"Agreed."

Both lifted their weapons and Walter disappeared in a puff of sparkly pink smoke.

"I'm not touching that one," Zack said as he rested his sword on his shoulder.

A door on their right opened. Sephiroth looked around. "Giles?"

The young Private crawled out from behind a curtain. "Yes, Sir?"

Sephiroth turned away. "Time to move."

"Uh, Sir?"

Sephiroth stopped and turned around. "Did you soil yourself again?"

"No, Sir."

"Then?"

Giles got to his feet and dragged an unconscious Kakashi out from behind him.

"Oh hell. He won't die, will he?"

"Probably not, Sir."

"We still need to find out where we are, Seph."

Sephiroth looked away from Giles and the unconscious Kakashi. "Right. We were entering the forest around camp, walked into a part of the woods that was rather dark for the day, and found the castle. So, logically, we aren't that far from where we started."

"We could just leave. The door's wide open."

They turned around and the doors slammed shut, portcullis dropping.

"This is starting to annoy me," Sephiroth huffed. He hefted Masamune onto his shoulder. "Giles? Drag the idiot with you. We have a few things to kill."

"Do we have to, Sir? I faint at the sight of blood."

Sephiroth shrugged. "Well, that explains a lot."

"What do you mean that explains a lot? He's in the army, man!" Zack yelled, swinging his arms about.

"I always thought he was taking nap when we went into battle."

Zack paused and thought about it. "And that's why he we was out cold most of the time he was in the infirmary. Yeah, it does make sense." He looked at Giles. "Just try to stay conscious or we throw you to the gay vampire."

"Wait a minute. We are not throwing Giles at the gay vampire. We're throwing the idiot ninja-wannabe. I hate Giles, but I hate him more."

Both nodded in agreement and they ran up the stairs for the door to the tower. The glowing green seal knocked them back down the stairs.

"I guess this means we have to find the guardians and kill them off," Zack said, rubbing the back of his head.

Sephiroth groaned when he stood. "That's gonna leave a mark," he muttered. They took the open door on the right. Inside, they found a large, circular room filled with foreboding statues and lit by torches. Five disks lay in a half circle on the floor, glowing dimly.

"Very gothic," Zack breathed.

Sephiroth thought of something and shrugged. "Giles? You get first pick. Which circle should we stand on?"

Suddenly put on the spot, the Private fidgeted, bouncing back and forth on his feet. "Umm... The first? On the left?"

The three men, plus one unconscious fox thing-it, stepped onto the first circle.

Hojo Only Wishes His Lab Was This Cool

"Whoa! It's like Hojo's lab done medieval!" Zack gasped.

"No. It's like Hojo's lab if no one ever cleaned it," Sephiroth said, "Let's find this guardian and get out of here."

A little while later, Zack counted the money dropped by their dead enemies. "Wow. Who'd have thought that ghosts carried money?"

"Exactly." Sephiroth looked around. "What is this? The First National Bank of Dracula? You knock something over you find money." He tripped Giles and a coin appeared. He looked at Zack.

Kakashi moaned and began to regain consciousness. "Where am I?"

"Just this side of hell," Zack said.

"We're not that close to Midgar."

Sephiroth nodded appreciatively. "At least he knows where hell is." The General turned to the large red door with the skull on it. "I suppose the guardian is in here. Kakashi, open the door."

Kakashi opened the door and walked inside. Nothing happened.

"Damn," Sephiroth breathed. "And I thought I would get some entertainment out of this."

They walked inside and found a large room with several large bits of stone and chain scattered everywhere. The bits started to rumble and then slide across the floor. The stones combined to form a large, red eyed Golem.

Zack looked over his shoulder. "You two stay right there. This won't take long."

"Never does," Sephiroth said. He put up Masamune and popped an Earth materia into his cuff. One Quake later and the Golem was a pile of rubble. A large glowing orb formed in the middle of the room.

Zack grabbed the glowing ball and tossed it to Giles. "Don't lose that."

A strange sigil appeared on the floor and the two men, one Private, and one thing-it were transported back to the room with the five circles.

Garden Party

"Zack, you get next pick."

The porcupine one looked around and stepped on a random circle. The group was transported to a beautiful garden filled with candles and glowing fireflies.

"This is looking up," Zack said, "I wish Aeris could see this. It's really very pretty."

"You do realize that the flowers here have eyes and mouths, right?" Sephiroth took a step back from the silver thing grinning at him. "This is disturbing."

"Sirs? I think the gargoyle is moving," Giles squeaked.

Zack looked up. "I think you're right."

"I'LL SAVE US!" Kakashi screamed. He leapt into the air only to be turned to stone by the gargoyle.

"Oh thank God," Seph breathed. He looked at Zack. "Grab Giles and run for it." They made for the nearest door and walked into an empty part of the garden. The empty part of the garden suddenly became full as several knights in full armor dropped from the sky. Giles fainted.

Sephiroth cut into the nearest armor, knocking its head from its body. The knight hit the ground and shrank into nothing, leaving money behind. Zack leapt behind Sephiroth and sliced a knight in half.

"I've got you covered, Seph!"

"That's great man, uh, but who's got you covered?"

The knights hit the ground, cursing Walter for letting these guys in. Sephiroth smacked Giles a few time to get him to come around.

"They're all gone now, Giles. Get up, because I'm not carrying you."

The Private stood obediently and the three made their way through the garden to a room filled with sphinx statues.

"Dead end," Zack muttered.

"Nope. There's a door behind this one. Help me move it," Sephiroth asked.

The three pushed the statue aside and went through the door. A red door like the one the golem was behind stood at the end of a long hall way.

"I think we found what we're looking for," Zack said. He opened the door. A large garden filled with statues appeared.

"Great. All we have to do is kill a big gargoyle," Sephiroth said.

"Unfortunately, no." A large stone Medusa head came to life and floated toward them. "Oh, you're both nice. I can see why the master likes you so much."

Sephiroth hefted Masamune to his shoulder. "Let me guess, he has a thing for effeminate looking men, right?"

The Medusa head nodded.

"So I guess this is where we kill you," Zack said. He lifted his sword.

The Medusa pursed her lips. "Listen. Being a stone statue isn't all that bad. Walter never comes down here and you'll never have to worry about bending over in front of him. You'll both make lovely statues, and I promise that whatever beloved of yours he stole isn't worth what Walter will do to you."

"He did steal anyone precious to us," Sephiroth said.

"Yeah, we just kind of wandered in here on our own," Zack added.

"Oh. Okay. Well then, be prepared to turn to stone." The Medusa's eyes began to glow.

"NO! I SHALL SAVE YOU!" Kakashi jumped in front of the Medusa and was turned to stone.

"What the hell is that thing?!" the Medusa yelled.

"Good question," Sephiroth said. "We'll get back to you on that." He and Zack shoved their swords through her eyes. Another glowing orb appeared. Zack tossed it to Giles.

"How did he get out of the stone, Sirs?"

Sephiroth looked over his shoulder as the portal back to the main room opened on the floor. He shrugged. "Who knows? Probably because he can't die."

If Aeris' church hadn't been dusted in years...

Sephiroth chose the next circle and the three were transported to a broken down, musty, dusty, old church. The General sneezed. He sneezed again. And again. He sat down, eyes watering and turning red from itching.

"Ah shit, Seph! You have allergies?"

The General pulled a plain white handkerchief out of his back pocket. "Apparently." He blew his nose. "Ah, hell... Do you have anything on you?"

"I do, Sir." Giles pulled out a bottle of allergy medicine and handed it to Sephiroth. He dry swallowed two pills. Standing, he wiped his eyes before folding his handkerchief and shoving it back in his back pocket.

"This sucks."

"It's probably the mold," Zack said, looking at the leaky ceiling.

"Let's just get this part over with."

Winding their way into the cobweb filled basement, Zack did most of the work while Sephiroth dragged his sorry butt behind, sneezing and coughing. They found the red door with the skull. Zack shoved it open. Giles fainted dead away.

"Oh My God..." Zack stared at the bloody mess inside. "I think I'm going to be sick."

Sephiroth looked inside. "It looks like one of Hojo's failed experiments."

"He's skinned things alive and put large, black, fire breathing worms in them?"

"He tried that once. Didn't turn out too well."

Zack walked over to a corner. "You can deal with that one."

Sephiroth stepped inside, his allergies suddenly clearing up. And then the smell hit him. "Oh, son of a bi..."

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Kakashi leaped out of no where and landed right in the middle of the fire breathing worm's bad breath. Burnt to a crisp, he fell over.

Sephiroth slashed at the worm and it slid back into its hole. He looked around the room, identifying what looked like four eyeballs. He slashed them open. Kakashi, who had just recovered from his burn wounds, stood up just in time to be electrocuted by the lightening striking the middle of the room. He hit the bloody ground twitching.

A bloody mushroom poked its head out of the hole in the middle of the room and Sephiroth cut it in half. The room began to shake violently and the General stuck Masamune in the floor to give himself some balance. When the shaking stopped, an orb appeared and he grabbed it. The portal opened on bloody ground.

"Zack! It's dead! Grab Giles and get in here."

Zack stepped inside and looked at the twitching Kakashi. "That's like a bad running joke."

"No kidding."

Sewers and Lizard Men do not become you...

The next circle took them to a water filled basement. Lizard Men crawled along the ceilings before dropping down in front of them. Zack cut them apart and grabbed the money.

"I think I have enough to retire early and get that house in Kalm Town," Zack said as he pocketed the money.

"What about Aeris?"

"I don't have enough money to build her a church and I don't think she'll leave her's without a fight."

Sephiroth nodded and they trudged through the sewers and came to a room with a huge waterfall. The red door with its skull lay on the other side of the room... and the bridge was out.

"I am not trudging through this muck any further," Zack said. He looked through his materia. "Dammit. I don't have anything to get us across."

"We're SOLDIERs, Zack. We can jump that without breaking a sweat."

"Oh. Right. Come on, Giles." Zack bent down a little so the Private could climb on his back. They jumped... and made it safely to the other side. Sephiroth pushed the door open. The room was dark. Everything seemed still and empty.

"Hello?" Sephiroth called. "Is there anybody here?"

Something moved in the darkness and stepped out of it. "Perhaps..." A tall, white haired bishounen walked toward them.

Zack started laughing. "Oh, this is great!"

Sephiroth sighed and looked at Zack. "What are you going on about?"

"Look at him, Seph! He looks like you! Walter's got a thing for your type!"

The white-haired man frowned deeply, his eyes changing from grey to red.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Kakashi jumped out of no where and smacked up against the man's barrier before hitting the floor.

Shaken, the man looked at Kakashi. "What is that?"

"We're still trying to figure that out," Sephiroth said. "So, I suppose we have to beat you to get to Walter, right?"

The man shook his hand in front of his face. "Hardly. It'll be me beating you to get to Walter." Five swords embedded in the floor, pulled out and began to circle him. Sephiroth lifted Masamune.

"Whoa! Wait! Hold up!" Zack said. The white haired men looked at him. "Listen. We all want to kill Walter, right? So why don't we stop fighting and help each other out?" Zack looked at the vampire. "You're trapped down here, right? We can get you out."

The man started shaking and then riotous laughter spilled from his lips. "Trapped? I put myself down here to get away from Walter! Really, you were right on with the white-haired pretty boy being Walter's type."

"I'm Zack Donovan. This is Sephiroth..." He looked at his friend. "Well, we're not quite sure who his father is..." He paused, thinking. "Or his mother for that matter."

"My mother's name is Jenova."

"Who told you that?" Zack asked.

"Hojo."

Zack crossed his arms over his chest. "My point exactly."

Sephiroth sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically.

"And you are?"

"I am Joachim Armster."

"Nice to meet you."

"Uh, Sirs? Aren't we supposed to get an orb?" Giles asked peering around Sephiroth.

"This thing?" The vampire tossed Giles an orb. "Take it. It won't help me very much down here."

A portal opened back to the circular room. Zack looked at the vampire. "Coming with us?"

"I need to find something to eat first," Joachim said. "I've been down here a while."

"EEK!" Giles suddenly jumped into Sephiroth's arms. The General let him hit the ground.

"Oh please. Like I'd put my mouth to anything Walter let wander around in here. I'm going to find some actual food."

"But you're a vampire!" Giles said.

"Yeah, and I happen to like jelly donuts better than the unwashed masses." He floated out of the room. The others took the portal.

Curtain Call

The last circle took them to a beautiful theatre filled with skeletons, ghosts, and large, laser shooting animal skulls. Tired, hungry, and vaguely dodging their attackers, they found finally found the red door. Inside was an empty stage.

"I'LL SAVE YOU!" Kakashi jumped in front of them, but nothing happened. The room remained empty and dark.

Feeling cruel and put upon, Sephiroth knocked the shinobi on his ass. He turned to Zack. "So now what?"

"I guess we're supposed to do something."

"Are you sure this is the right room, Sirs?"

Zack scratched his head. "Pretty sure."

Kakashi stood up. "Maybe you have to ring the bell!"

"What bell?" Zack asked.

"This one." He pulled a bell and a scroll out of his pack. "The scroll I found in the one room says to ring the bell. I found the bell in the room at the end of one hallway." He rung the bell.

The lights in the room dimmed and a spotlight appeared on the stage. Sitting in the spotlight, was a Succubus. She stood and floated down the steps toward them, powerful wings flapping.

"Holy F..." Sephiroth's hand landed over Zack's mouth. Zack pushed it away. "Seph! She's HOT!"

The Succubus sighed and pulled the bell out of Kakashi's hand. "Now. This is the part where I beat you into submission. Are you ready?"

Zack and Sephiroth looked at each other and then back at the demoness.

Zack lifted a hand. "Could you give us a minute? Thanks." He grabbed Giles while Sephiroth grabbed Kakashi. They threw the idiots out the door and locked it behind them. Turning, both men looked at the succubus. "Now, this beating us up thing, does it involve massage oils and soft music?"

The Succubus sighed. "Men." She sat down on the steps leading up to the stage. "Aren't you two here to find your kidnapped loves or something?"

"Nope," Zack replied.

"Wandered in completely by accident," Sephiroth said.

The Succubus shrugged. "All right. Do either or you happen to have a girlfriend?"

Sephiroth jerked his thumb at Zack.

Zack grinned sheepishly. "Yeah..."

"And what does she look like?"

Zack pulled out his wallet and showed the Succubus Aeris' picture. The Succubus nodded and turned into Aeris.

"Okay. Are you both ready to die and what not?"

Zack looked at the Succubus. "I don't know about you, Seph, but I think I can take her by myself."

Sephiroth sighed, grabbed Zack by the ear and dragged him to the door. He unlocked it and threw the SOLDIER on top of Giles and Kakashi before shutting the door. He turned to the Succubus. "Would you mind changing back to your normal form?"

"Why?"

"Because Aeris and I have a very special relationship. It will one day involve my sword going threw her back and out her stomach and unless you'd like to do a dress rehearsal, I suggest you change."

The Succubus shrugged and returned to her normal form.

Sephiroth put Masamune in front of him and leaned on it. "So... What can we do to get that orb out of you?"

The Succubus stepped forward and leaned toward The General. "Who says I'm going to give it up without a fight?"

"Are you sure you don't want to make a deal?"

"What kind of deal are we talking about? The kind that says we forget about your girlfriend and continue from their?"

"I don't have a girlfriend."

"You're kidding."

Sephiroth shook his head.

"Well then... I think we can strike a deal."

A few hours later, Sephiroth opened the door and looked out at the unhappy trio. "I got the orb."

The combined glare would have killed a lesser man.

Pagoda of the Pink Mist

Back in the entry way, the orbs began to pulse and the corresponding orbs on the pedestals under the stairs began to glow. The seal on the door disappeared.

"Let's kick some vampire butt!" Zack said.

They ran to the door and kicked it in. The door exploded in a push of sparkling pink mist. The hallway was filled with it.

"AAAAHHHH! It's the Pink Mist of..."

Everyone looked at Kakashi.

"The pink mist of what?" Giles asked.

"Umm... I don't know. I guess I thought you'd turn gay if you walked through it."

Sephiroth picked Kakashi up. "Let's find out." He threw him into the mist.

The fox thing-it coughed a few times and sat up.

"Well?"

"I don't feel any different. But I can't really see anything other than pink."

"Ah." Sephiroth checked his materia before summoning a wind to blow the mists away. A staircase to the throne room appeared and everyone ran to the top. Zack shoved the door open. Sephiroth ran in and put Masamune to Walter's throat.

"Wait! You can't kill him!" Leon said. "I must! As revenge for my beloved!"

"How did you get through the castle?" Zack asked, "With only... My God! Is that a whip?"

"Yes." Leon turned to Walter. "I have defeated your guardians! I shall have my revenge for Sara now!"

"Wait a minute. We defeated the guardians," Zack said.

Leon, the wind suddenly out of his sails, turned to Zack. "You did? I killed Medusa, destroyed the Golem, killed the Succubus, blew up the Undead Parasite, and killed Joachim in the basement."

"So did we," Sephiroth said looking at Leon suspiciously. "Well... we didn't kill the guy in the basement."

"I can explain," Walter said. "It's the castle. If you die here, you come back to life." Walter did a double take. "What do you mean you didn't kill Joachim?"

Joachim floated up behind Walter, grabbed the Ebony Stone and flew off with a smile, disappearing through the wall with a smug little wave.

Walter looked at the assembled killing machines in front of him. "Oh... F---."

Home Again, Home Again, Jiggity-Jig

Sephiroth popped open another bottle of wine. "This stuff is really good."

"You said it." Zack popped the cork on his bottle. "It was really nice of Joachim to give these to us."

Sephiroth shrugged. "After that adventure, we all needed a stiff drink." He pulled out another bottle. "I'll be back. This one's for Tonberry."

"So what did you do with Kakashi?"

Sephiroth looked confused. "Nothing. Didn't he come back?"

In the Castle…

Joachim and Leon took turns poking Kakashi, attempting to figure out what it was.


	29. Episode Twenty Nine: Dinner!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Sorry about the long awaited update. I was moving... into a new townhouse! My own dishwasher! My own washing machine! My own dryer! Joy! Needless to say, we are still unpacking.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: I'm not really a fan of any Final Fantasy pairing, which I guess is why I'm going out of my way to write Sephiroth into bed with anyone but the cannon. That being said, I sincerely promise that he and Elmyra will not be seeing the inside of a bedroom together, unless it's Zack's room and its part of a gag.

4th Note: Mice dinner. That was actually a typo. Then I decided to keep it. Remember, a little slip of the fingers can make something very funny. And yes, I know the whole Kingdom Hearts 'Riku's dad is Sephiroth' is a rumor, but its funny.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson. The song 'Muskrat Love' is owned and sung by the group America. The 'Sit' command is the invention of Rumiko Takahashi. I am unaware of who owns Electric Ferret, but everyone needs to check it out. I mean, who would win in a fight to the death between Boba Fett and Batman? Electric Ferret knows! Also, check out battle #162. I promise you'll love it!

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due: The 'healing' of Sephiroth was Ardynna Morrigu's idea. The mobs outside Seph's tent are Randomnimity's, as are the drug induced nightmares and the game show.

**Episode 29: Dinner!**

"Sir!"

"Oh dear God, he's coming again," The General muttered. His head hit the desk.

Giles pushed the flap aside. "Sir! I have a wonderful surprise for you tonight!"

"I swear to God, Giles, if you're mother is here again..."

"No, Sir. I made a mice dinner especially for you and General Zack."

Sephiroth lifted his head from the table. "What?"

"I made a nice dinner for you and General Zack."

Sephiroth blinked several times. "I thought you said 'mice' dinner."

Giles shrugged. "Must have been a slip of the tongue. I got a hold of these great fish and fried them up with butter."

Sephiroth sighed and accepted his fate. "Bring on the fish."

**A Lovely Meal**

Zack patted his stomach. "I'm amazed! Giles actually cooked a decent meal for once."

"I wonder where he got the fish," Sephiroth mused.

"Wanna know?" Cloud asked, a smug grin plastered on his face while he leaned against a tent pole.

Sephiroth's head began to spin. "Oh... oh no..." He closed his eyes and when he opened them, Cloud looked less like Cloud and more like a... cloud.

"Yep. Psychedelic fish are hard to come by, but Giles wanted me to get you something special and you know how special Lord Godo's prized pet fish are."

Zack leaned back in his chair. "Whoa... This isn't so bad."

Sephiroth's head dropped to the table. "I hate him. I hate him so very, very much."

**7th Ring of Hell (and dropping)**

Aeris pulled Tseng along, followed by the rest of the snickering Turks. "Come on. I want to see Zack and the only way I'm getting to the front lines is if you guys sneak me in."

"Come on, Tseng. Help her get in," Reno encouraged, voice high and annoying.

Elena smacked him from behind.

"Ow!"

"Thank you!" Aeris smiled brightly to the newest Turk.

"Aeris? If you don't let go of me, you're going to cut off my circulation," Tseng said.

"Oh. Sorry." She dropped his hand.

Tseng picked her up and tossed her to Rude. "There. Languish like a love sick wife and we'll have you at the front in no time."

**Back on the Front**

Sephiroth held his head in his hands. "I'm still seeing mist people."

Zack sat up. "Really? The stuff's already out of my system." He eyed his friend. "You've never done a drug before, have you?"

Sephiroth shook his head.

"Geez, man. You're in for a long ride."

"Sir! Visitors!" Giles yelled.

"Great. Just what I need. More people to witness my misery," The General muttered.

"Zack!" Aeris yelled.

Both men sat up straight and ended up smacking their heads off the top tent beams. "Oohhh!" Both leaned over their desks, grasping their heads.

Aeris pushed the tent flap aside. "Guys? Are you two all right?"

Both shook their heads.

Reno stepped into the tent. "Well, well, well. Can't handle our liquor, hmm?"

"Can't handle food poisoning from psychedelic fish," Sephiroth muttered.

Reno took a step back. "Whoa. You mean there actually is something that can lay low the mighty Sephiroth?"

"Yes," Zack said, "The cook's food."

Sephiroth looked up. "Aeris? Why can I see you clearly while everyone else looks like mist?"

"..."

Elena put her hand on Sephiroth's head. "Eek. He's burning up. Let's get him to the infirmary."

Sephiroth grabbed her arm and Elena froze. "Not a word to Hojo."

"Uh... Who'd want to talk to him anyway?"

Sephiroth hit the desk.

**Infirmary... Can't wait to get to the Infirmary...**

"Well," the nurse said, "His fever's down, and, as far as I can tell, the only voices he's hearing are the ones he came here with. The General will be fine to leave in about an hour."

Tseng coughed.

The nurse looked at him. "And not a word to Muskrat Head."

The hallway erupted into giggles.

**Back in the Tent**

"So why didn't you use your voodoo?"

Aeris looked at Zack. "My what?"

"Your magic. The mojo. You know..."

"Oh..." She shrugged. "Slipped my mind."

Sephiroth glared at her from the cot. Aeris smiled sweetly.

Reno looked at The General. "So, any good hallucinations?"

"I saw a sparkling green ocean filled with fish and there was a shark crooning 'Muskrat Love' from atop an oyster munching on a mermaid's hair. After it finished singing, the fish turned into muskrats. Why the hell was I hallucinating muskrats?"

The Turks looked at Tseng. Tseng looked away, whistling.

The General looked pointedly at the Turk. "Care to share?"

"The President forced Hojo to teach a science summer camp. They spliced him to a muskrat."

Sephiroth immediately brightened and sat up. "And you didn't tell me? That's a reason to pop open a case of beer."

"Well, I wasn't sure whether or not you'd be happy. Him being your father and all..."

Sephiroth lay back down. "He's not my father. And before you say anything Elena, neither is the red-eyed man in Shin-Ra Mansion."

"Well, Seph, we always knew you were a b------." Reno looked up at Rude and then pushed his hand away. "I can say bastard. The word is rated PG-13."

Rude shrugged. "I'm just pointing out that you might not want to insult the man who can set you on fire by looking at you."

Reno thought about that. "Good point. So what are we going to do about Lord Godo's prized pet fish?"

Dead silence fell over the group.

"Ahh, man! We have to replace them before he knows they're gone!" Zack yelled. "If he finds out we ate them, we really will have a war with Wutai on our hands!"

Aeris put her hands on Zack's shoulders. "Hey, Zack, it's okay. I mean, how hard would it be to replace them?"

Sephiroth sat back up and swung his feet over the edge of the cot. "CLOUD!"

The blonde stuck his head in the tent. "Yo."

"How fast can you get us replacements for Godo's fish?"

"How fast can you requisition a gold chocobo?"

Sephiroth's eyes narrowed at the Chocobo Kid. "Why?"

"I'll need a chocobo that fast to get the required fish from the marsh."

The General sighed. "I want the chocobo back."

Cloud put up his hands in surrender. "No Problem. I'll do it for a clean slate on the fried chocobo matter."

"Done."

**An Hour Later...**

Rude and Elena leaned over Aeris and watched the fish float around in their water filled, plastic bag.

"They're so pretty..." Aeris mused.

Tseng, Zack, Rude, and Sephiroth leaned over a map.

"If we go by the river here, we can sneak into the palace here and drop the fish," Zack said.

"Don't you think he'd notice they were gone by now?" Tseng asked.

"He's off on the southern front. The only people who'd have noticed aren't there right now," Sephiroth said.

"All right then." Tseng turned to the other three. "Volunteers to go?"

Everyone raised their hands.

Zack blinked. "Aeris?"

The girl shrugged. "Who other than you can say you've been on a mission with The General? Besides, I live in the slums. You can't say I don't know how to take care of myself."

**Into the Woods (No... Not the Musical... Bad Reader!)**

Geared up and ready to go, everyone stepped out of the tent and into a mob of war protestors.

"LEAVE WUTAI ALONE! GO BACK TO MIDGAR! LEAVE WUTAI ALONE!"

"Oh dear God," Sephiroth breathed and then wished he hadn't. No one in the crowd seemed to know what deodorant was.

Tseng sighed and motioned to Reno. Reno smiled, stuck his tongue out at Elena, and stepped forward.

Reno put on his biggest smile and waved to the crowd. "Hello everybody! My name is Reno and I'm a Turk."

Dead silence fell over the crowd.

"Now you may think I'm the scariest thing you've seen since Midgar's Zombie Nation was trashed by the Kalm Town Cougars. But I guarantee you that we have a scarier piece of history here right now and we like to call him THE General."

The silence was deafening…but broken none the less.

"The General is never on the front lines! He never leaves his office in Midgar!"

"YEAH!"

"Actually," Sephiroth said as he stepped out, "I've never seen the inside of my office in Midgar. In fact, I do everything in my power to stay away from Midgar."

Dead silence fell again.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Shoo!"

The protestors scrambled.

**Into the Woods, take 2**

The group trudged along the bank of the river, making their way to Mime. A few of the protestors followed behind, silently.

"Why are you following us?" Elena asked.

"We're silent protestors," protestor #1 whispered, "Except for George. He's just a big Sephiroth fan."

"Fans?" Aeris whispered. She looked at Sephiroth. "You have fans?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "Don't look at me. I didn't ask for them," he muttered.

Aeris looked at George. "You! Off my Planet!"

They made their way to the palace and snuck over the walls. Inside, they found a large fountain and a pool.

"Is this it?" Reno asked.

Rude looked at the map. "I think so."

"Let's dump the fish."

Aeris opened the bag and dropped the fish into the pool.

Tseng looked at the map. "Uh. Rude? The map was upside down. This is the wrong pool."

Everyone groaned... except the silent protestors.

The group jumped into the pool to grab the fish. The fish managed to dodge everyone's hands, but when they managed to touch a fish, it stung. Elena started swaying on her feet. Rude managed to catch her before she smacked her head on the side of the pool.

"Elena doesn't look so good," Rude said.

Tseng rushed over and gently touched Elena's cheek. He waved a hand in front of her glazed eyes. "I think she's drugged."

Everyone rushed over.

"On what?" Reno asked.

Aeris looked at the pool. "The fish! It has to be the fish! If eating them was enough to put Seph in the hospital, being stung by them must make you hallucinate too!"

"Oh crap."

Everyone, sans Aeris, hit the ground. "Uh... Guys?"

**Enter Sandman... Or something similar...**

Welcome to Shin-Ra Squares! The game where celebrities help contestants win thousands of prizes!

In our first square is Giles and Kakashi!

Giles waved while Kakashi yelled, "HI MOM!"

In our second box, we have the Silent Protestors!

The Silent Protesters remained silent, but waved to the crowd.

In our third box is General Zachary Donovan!

Zack looked around. "Whoa. Bad trip."

In box number four is the leader of the Turks, Tseng!

"Hmm..."

In box number five is the great General Sephiroth!

He put his head in his hand. "This is humiliating."

In box number six is the newest Turk, Elena!

Elena bounced in her chair slightly before adjusting it. "At least the chairs are comfy."

In the seventh box are the Turks, Rude and Reno.

Reno leaned over the desk. "Can I get a beer over here?"

In the box number eight is Aeris!

"Hold on! I didn't even pass out! I'm collecting the fish and putting them in the other pool!"

And in the last box is our very own Vice President, Rufus!

"I'M NOT IN THIS FIC!"

"YOU ARE NOW!" the audience yelled.

And our first contestant is Addict #6 from the Midgar Slums!

"Hey Mikey!" Aeris yelled, waving.

And our second contestant is Mako reactor tech #16 from Nibelheim.

Zack leaned over the desk. "Yo! Chris! How's it goin,' man?"

And our last contestant is experiment #432, Clone #6!

Sephiroth stood up, hands pounding the table. "Number Six! Where did you get that bruise! Is Hojo beating you again?!"

"No. Just caught a Frisbee wrong. Sefffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

Sephiroth sat back down.

So let's play MIDGAR SQUARES!

"These squares aren't dirty enough to be from Midgar," Elena said.

"If this is tic-tac-toe, why are there three contestants?" Tseng asked. He leaned out of his box and looked at the others. "Whose drug induced trip is this anyway?"

"Good question," Rufus said.

Now, contestants, you choose a square and I will ask the occupant a question. Then, you choose whether to agree or disagree with the answer the celebrity gives. Are you ready? Addict #6! Choose a square!

"Um... I choose Aeris."

All right then. Aeris. What tree do we harvest sap from for syrup?

"That would be a maple tree!"

Addict #6, do you agree or disagree?

"Agree!"

Correct! Addict #6 gets his first square. Choose your next one.

"Umm... The silent protestors look like they're nice."

Silent Protestors, who starred opposite Rowan Atkinson in 'The Black Adder Goes Forth?'

The Silent Protestors whispered together for a minute before nodding to each other. "Tony Robinson."

Addict #6, do you agree or disagree?

"Um... Agree?"

Are you sure?

"Yes."

Is that you're final answer?

"This isn't 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire,' moron!" Rufus yelled. "He gave his answer and he's right so just give him the damn square!"

The Silent Protestors' square lit up.

Addict #6, choose your next square.

"Um... The General?"

General Sephiroth, who is your father?

Sephiroth looked up from checking his split ends. He shrugged. "Beats me."

"Yeah, Hojo did beat you a lot..." Rufus mused.

Aeris leaned over from her square to smack Shinra the Younger up the backside of the head.

Addict #6, do you agree or disagree?

"I'm not sure there's an answer."

Wrong! There is an answer, but Square-Enix has yet to announce it. The square goes to the Reactor Tech. Choose a square!

"Um... I'll take Zack."

Zack, what is the name of Sephiroth's son?

Zack leaned over the desk. "You've got a son, man? Why didn't you tell me?"

Sephiroth leaned out of his square to look at his friend. "I don't have a son, Zack. I don't have any children."

"Oh." Zack looked back at the reactor tech. "Trick question, Chris. He doesn't have any kids."

Reactor Tech, do you agree or disagree?

"Disagree."

"What!" Zack stood up. "Why?"

"Because I know you, man. You never have the right answer for anything."

Reactor Tech #16 is correct! Zack does not have the right answer and The General does have a son. The third square goes to you. Choose you next square!

"The Turks for the win!"

"Wait a minute! When did I have a son? And with whom? I've slept with, maybe three women in my entire life! Which one of them had my kid?"

Rude and Reno, here is your question: The Electric Ferret website is responsible for what entertainment?

"Comic Book Universe Battles!" both yelled and high fived.

Reactor Tech #16, do you agree or disagree?

"I agree!"

Reactor Tech #16, you WIN! Your prize is an all expense paid trip to Costa del Sol! Have a good night everyone!

"WAIT! WHEN DID I HAVE A SON!"

**I'm not nice enough for it to be over yet.**

Sephiroth felt a warm and gooey inside for a minute and then opened his eyes. Aeris was leaning over him.

"Oh good. You're awake. You were out for a while there."

He blinked several times before sitting up. "What happened?"

"You guys passed out from the fish toxin. I was the only one that hadn't been stung. I got the fish into the right pool, but you guys were out of it for a while. The silent protestors helped me get you guys out of the water. They're really nice."

"I had this horrible nightmare that I was in a game show and one of the questions was about a son I didn't have."

Rufus leaned over him. "You do have a son, Seph. But I gave him to Hojo."

Sephiroth leapt at Rufus.

"OSWARI!"

Sephiroth hit the ground and faded out of consciousness.

**Okay. I'll let him wake up this time.**

Sephiroth felt a warm and gooey inside for a minute and then opened his eyes. Aeris was leaning over him.

"Oh good. You're awake. You were out for a while there."

He blinked several times before sitting up. "What happened?"

"You guys passed out from the fish toxin. I was the only one that hadn't been stung. I got the fish into the right pool, but you guys were out of it for a while. The silent protestors helped me get you guys out of the pool. They're really nice."

"I had this horrible nightmare that I was in a game show and one of the questions was about a son I didn't have. And then you used the 'Sit' command on me, though I don't remember this being a cross over." He reached up to be sure he hadn't grown dog ears.

"Are you okay to stand?"

"Yes. I think so." He stood with Aeris' help. "What was that warm glow?"

"I healed you. Duh. I do know how to use materia."

"Right." They hobbled over to the others and scrambled out of the palace.

**Back at camp...**

"So we all hallucinated the game show?" Tseng asked.

"Apparently," Elena said.

"Weird," Rude breathed.

"So Seph, if you actually had a kid, what would you name him?" Zack asked. He put on a large, encouraging grin.

"I wouldn't name him after you, Zachary. That's for damn sure."

Zack's grin turned into a pout.

"I don't know. I like the name Riku."


	30. Episode Thirty: Quality Time!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Wow. I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. I changed work schedules and caught the flu. Bleah.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

3rd Note: The 'We Hate Giles' club is holding a bake sale on friday in order to afford the chemicals necessary to make the super poison that will kill him.

4th Note: Have you heard? Another FF VII game is being released around the same time that Advent Children is. It's called Dirge of Cerberus and stars Vincent! Supposedly, it's supposed to take place a year after the events in Advent Children.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Apologies to Rowan Atkinson.

Episode 30: Quality Time!

Rufus blinked several times. His mouth opened and closed twice. He closed his eyes and prayed it was a dream, but it was still happening when he opened them. He stood and left his father's office. He walked down the stairs, opened Scarlet's door without knocking, and walked over to the window to sit down.

Scarlet's eyes followed him from the door to the window. "What happened?"

Her question was met with silence. She went to the window and dumped her coffee on Rufus' head.

"OOOWWWW!" He swatted at her.

Dodging, Scarlet settled across from him on the window.

"You're paying for the drying cleaning on this."

"Fine. Just tell me what's wrong."

"I'm being sent to the front."

"Seriously?" Scarlet leaned back. "Well, Seph's there, so you shouldn't have any worries."

"It's not that I'm against participating in army life, it's the way he put it."

"Which was?"

Rufus cleared his throat and did an impression of his father, "Rufus, you should be spending some quality time with the troops."

"Quality time?" Scarlet snorted and then burst out laughing. "Beautiful! I can see it all over the papers now! Great General and Vice President caught in Blanket Scenario!"

"I hate you."

Scarlet sniffed and wiped a tear from her eye. "I know. It's a wonderful relationship we have."

"You're coming with me."

Scarlet stopped dead. "I hate you."

"So are the Turks."

"They'll hate you too."

On the Front

Zack walked beside The General with his hands behind his head, relaxing into the stride. "So Rufus, Scarlet, and the Turks are visiting."

"Scarlet and the Turks are visiting. Rufus is staying."

"Ouch."

"Yep."

"Want to introduce Shinra the Younger to Tonberry?"

Sephiroth smiled. "No, I want to introduce his father to Tonberry."

"Good choice."

A car pulled up in front of the generals and the group in question piled out.

"Welcome to Hell," Sephiroth said, "I hope you all have pleasant visit."

"I hate my father," Rufus muttered.

"At least you have one," Elena said, and then put her hand over her mouth. She looked sheepishly at Sephiroth. "Sorry. Freudian slip."

The General shrugged. "Come on, we'll get you settled in and indoctrinated into what's mostly just sitting around and waiting for my clones to send us real food."

Several Drunken Hours Later

"Sssssssssooooooooooo I told him... I told him..." Reno trailed off and then looked at a random person in the bar. "Ssstop-p-p doing that! You-u-u are making me sober!"

Rufus turned to Sephiroth. "So Tonberry just hangs out here?"

"Yep."

"Has he killed anyone?"

"Well, he's attempted to kill Giles a few times. Other than that, he's never failed to kill anyone I paid him to."

Rufus' jaw dropped. "He's your hit man?!"

"Yep." The General sipped his whiskey.

Rufus looked around before leaning in. "Can I borrow him?"

Scarlet leaned in on the other side of Sephiroth. "Why, so you can kill me?"

"I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die."

"Ouch." Sephiroth stood. "So as not to get in the way of the immanent death match, I'm making a tactical retreat."

"I'm sure Rufus will follow," Scarlet said.

"Yes, he will. But that's called a testicle retreat."

The entire bar groaned in pain. Sephiroth sat back down.

"So, Giles is the only person he can't kill..." Rufus muttered.

_"No. There is another."_

Everyone stopped dead and looked at the, now speaking, Tonberry.

_"I will eventually kill Giles. He cannot evade me forever. However, there is one I cannot kill. One man who has always with stood my blade of doom."_

The Tonberry took a sip of whiskey.

_"Kakashi."_

A gasp went through the bar.

Sephiroth looked around. "Oh come on. It's not that big of a surprise. I couldn't even kill him!"

"True, but he says it with more drama," Zack said.

Sephiroth pushed his sleeves back. "Oh, if it's drama you want..."

The Tonberry cleared its throat and continued.

_"Kakashi was supposed to be my first kill. A ninja from Wutai. A great trophy! My blade plunged into his chest... and nothing happened. I stabbed at his prone form like a maniac and every wound healed before the next strike fell."_

He took a sip of whiskey.

_"I went on a pilgrimage. A quest to find the greatest of all Tonberry weapons. The Cleaver of Doom! I traveled through the fires of the underworld. I flew through the clouds of heaven. I was burnt, drenched, bitten, beaten, bruised, and yet still crawling toward my goal. I finally came to the place which held the legendary treasure."_

He took a sip of whiskey.

_"Kakashi was already there, taking it for himself."_

He took another sip.

_"I swore eternal vengeance! Dishonorably, I stole the blade from him in his sleep and plunged it into his awaiting chest."_

He sniffed, looked down into his whiskey.

_"He lived."_

A tear glistened in his little eye.

_"I have followed him to the ends of the Planet and yet have not been able to kill him. I have cut off limbs to watch them grow back and destroyed flesh to watch the wounds seal. He is unkillable, yet I must find a way to kill him."_

"Oh dear god..." Elena whispered.

"I have thish ashid..." Reno began.

_"It won't work. Nothing works."_

The Tonberry put its small, green head down and cried. Sephiroth patted it on the back.

"Don't worry. We'll find a way."

An explosion sounded outside.

"WE'RE UNDER ATTACK!!!!!"

"We's are?" Reno asked.

Sephiroth sighed and stood. "To your posts people! Zack, Rufus. Come with me."

Battle Stations!

Half the camp was ablaze and Zack was busy directing the off duty soldiers to put out the fire. Sephiroth took up position with the Turks in the front line.

"Return fire!"

The camp's first volley went out and took out half of the Wutai front line. Scarlet, hidden behind a barricade, pulled out a special issue and fought the urge to aim for the back of Rufus' head. Reno, not as drunk as he sounded, sniped away at the rush of soldiers. But the battle was dragging.

Sephiroth grabbed Rufus. "They're wearing us down. Head over to the stockpile with a couple of Zack's people and grab more ammo."

Rufus nodded before running off.

Sephiroth turned back to the front. "Turks! Split up and move forward! Men! Split up and follow the Turks! Scarlet! Stop trying to kill Rufus! Step forward and MOVE!"

Rufus ran back. "We're out of ammo!"

Sephiroth looked around and his eyes fell on the mess tent. "No we haven't. Go into the mess and grab the food." Sephiroth looked back to the men. "Dinner's Off, boys!"

A cheer of happiness sounded across the land. Giles' version of quiche went flying into the enemy camp.

Who Ya Rootin' For?

Scarlet and the Turks gone, Rufus, Zack, and Sephiroth sat in the tent.

"Well, that was exciting," Rufus muttered.

"Normally we sit around all day," Zack said.

A scream of frustration went up.

Sephiroth stood. "I'll be back. Tonberry just failed to kill Giles again."


	31. Episode Thirty One: Blanket Scenario!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Sorry about the wait, everyone. I currently have Star Ocean on the brain.

2nd Note: SCARY OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note: Do love Hojo? Do you love to kill Hojo? Would you like to kill Hojo while enjoying a game with wonderful graphics and a great story? Then look no further! I present to you: Shadow Hearts Covenant! Follow the trail of Yuri, an anti-hero that turns into monsters a-la Vincent, as he finds the man who cursed him and beats him to a pulp. Yuri, in his adventures, will run into Hojo and beat him up. All in homage to Final Fantasy 7! Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due:_ This is Julia's fault. I apologize in advance, but the fangirls should be happy._

I bring you, just in time for Halloween…

**Episode 31: Blanket Scenario!**

Rufus grabbed the blanket and pulled. Zack grabbed his end and pulled back. Rufus pulled on his end again. Zack pulled back. This continued for a good fifteen minutes.

"You aren't the only one freezing, you know," Zack huffed.

"You aren't the only one trying to get some sleep," Rufus growled back.

Sephiroth snickered. "You two could stop pulling and get all snuggly."

Rufus glared and Zack flipped him the bird. "Just because you're gay, doesn't mean we are, Seph," Zack grumbled.

"If that were the case, I'd be in between the two of you instead of on watch." Mako green eyes scanned the forest surrounding them. "You could both just curl up next to the fire."

"Easy for you to say. Dark Nation's all curled up next to you," Zack said.

Sephiroth looked down at the big cat and smiled.

"Traitor," Rufus muttered; eyes on the cat.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Let's just get some sleep. We still have to get back to camp in the morning."

More grumbling followed. Somewhere during the night, The General, bored to tears, let Dark Nation's humming purr lull him to sleep.

**Back at Camp**

Cloud was standing guard outside The General's tent. Well, standing was too strong a word. He was actually guarding the tent with his eyes closed, leaning against the nearest tent pole. The noise inside woke him up.

Zack groaned. "I know you're a cold fish, but I like it a little hot."

"I'd be insulted if I didn't know you loved me just the way I am, Zachary."

"Well thank the Ancients for that." Zack groaned again. "Could you move your hand? It's in the way."

"And here I thought you liked it like that."

"I like it rough. That doesn't mean I enjoy the palm of your hand pressing on my back."

"You didn't complain last time."

"Last time I was in too much pain to notice."

Sephiroth snorted. "Is that a not-so-subtle hint that I should use more oil?"

"Yes." Zack groaned. "Oh yeah. That's much better. Now harder." He moaned loudly.

Cloud blinked several times, his brain no longer registering what he was hearing. The sound of a hand smacking oiled flesh echoed in the tent. Cloud's knees went weak and collapsed under him.

"My turn," The General said.

"But I'm not finished yet!"

"You can finish yourself later. You promised me that it would be my turn in five minutes. Now switch me places."

Cloud, driven by the morbid need to look, pushed the tent flap aside. The General was massaging Zack's back and shoulders. Green Mako eyes looked up.

"Did you need something, Cloud?"

Cloud let out a breath he was holding. "No, Sir. Nothing at all." He let the tent flap drop and went to dunk his head in a bucket of cold water.

**Seventh Layer of Hell (and dropping!)**

Tseng reached out and put his hand on the door to the lab. He moved to push it open and froze, listening to the noise inside.

"You know," Kakashi said, "I just love it when you tie me down."

Hojo sighed loudly. "Keep it down! Do you actually want someone to here you?"

"It's all part of the thrill of being caught."

"Idiot. Now hold still."

Kakashi moaned. "Oh, yeah! Give it to me!"

Hojo grunted. "Am I going to have to gag you? Is that what it's going to take to keep you quiet?"

"Depends on what you gag me with."

"I feel violated."

"So do I," Tseng muttered. He walked away from the door and back up the stairs to his office, having decided his sanity was worth more than his job. He stopped before going inside, hearing Reno.

"It works like this, Elena. You put your hands right here and do all the work."

Elena sighed. "Typical. If you don't want to be on top, you don't want to do anything at all, do you?"

"It's not like that! Besides, you could get Rude to work on you while you're working on me."

Tseng put his head in his hands. "And they're probably using my desk too."

"If it makes you feel better, you can pretend I'm Tseng," Reno said.

"Now they're bringing me into it," the Turk groaned. He put his back to the door and leaned on it.

"If you were Tseng, you'd look better. And I'd be giving you more than just a hand job."

Tseng went red. Taking a deep breath, he gathered his composure. "Might as well get this over with." He pushed open the door and found Elena rubbing Reno's shoulders.

She frowned at him. "I better be getting a raise for this."

Tseng groaned. "Why do I have a feeling that this is all a very bad running joke?"

Rude shrugged and continued to read the paper.

**Out In the Middle of Nowhere **

Rufus walked into the small cabin, Palmer right on his heels. The Vice President stared at the only furnishing the cabin had: a single, solitary blanket. It promised to be a cold night. Palmer smacked his hands together.

"I guess we're going to have to get cozy tonight!"

Rufus shuddered. "There is no god." He turned around and went back outside. "Pardon me, but I have to freeze to death now."

**Back at Camp**

Cloud, rather disturbed, walked away from The General's tent and to his own. He froze out side the mess tent, able to hear Giles loud and clear.

"Oh! OH! HEIDIGGER!"

**On the Wutai Front**

Sephiroth sat up straight, and stared wildly about the small clearing. The fire had died out sometime during his nap and the Mako glow from his eyes woke up Zack.

"Hey, Seph? What's wrong?"

"Well, first I had this dream that I was Cloud and I was listening in on you and I have sex. And then I dreamt I was Tseng, standing outside the door of the lab while Hojo and Kakashi..."

"You don't have to finish that."

"And then I dreamed I was Tseng listening to Elena and Rude on the desk in the Turk's office."

"And?"

Sephiroth looked at him. "And what?"

"You can finish that one. Was she wearing lacy black undies?"

"She was rubbing his shoulders, dimwit. Elena's been after Tseng's ass for a while now. Anyway, then I dreamt I was Rufus and I was stuck in a vast icy waste land in a cabin with only one blanket with Palmer."

"Oh dear god..."

"I chose to freeze to death."

"Good boy, Seph."

"And then I dreamed I was Cloud again and I walked passed the mess tent just in time to hear Giles call out Heidigger's name."

"Seph? You need therapy." Zack turned over and lay back down. "Besides. You didn't dream the last part. Cloud is still in fetal position and shaking against the tree over there."

Sephiroth looked in the corner and witnessed the shell of a man sucking on his thumb. "But how did he? I mean... No one knew where we were... And Giles couldn't possibly... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


	32. Episode Thirty Two: A Final Fantasy Mary...

**This Army Life**

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is the Mary Sue edition! Woot! Go what is technically me!

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.

Further Disclaimer and Credit Due: I would like to thank Falstaff and Grayswandir for their Mary Sue Litmus test. It was of great help in writing this episode.

**Episode 32: A Final Fantasy Mary Sue!**

Mary Sue shook her long, lustrous, honey tresses and they fell down her perfect hourglass shape. Checking very quickly to be sure that every one of her papers were in order, she glided up the steps and into the Seventh Circle of Hell, also known as ShinRa HQ. She smiled kindly at the receptionist. "I have an appointment with a Mr. Tseng."

"Elevator on the left, third floor, sixth door on the right," the receptionist intoned without looking up from her paper.

Mary smiled warmly and found herself outside the office door in no time. She knocked.

"Come in," someone drawled.

She opened the door and found Reno sitting in Tseng's chair, with his feet up on Tseng's desk. "Hello. Are you Mr. Tseng?"

Reno looked her up and down, and whistled low before putting his feet down and scooting up to the desk. "Mr. T isn't in right now, but I'm sure I could help you."

"Uh... Well... I'm..." She looked around the room and spotted someone behind a newspaper and a blonde woman taking a nap on the couch. "I'm supposed to see Mr. Tseng about a secretarial position."

"Yeah. I could see you in several secretarial positions," Reno muttered.

"What?"

"Nothing," he said with a smile. "So, what are your qualifications?"

"Oh." She sat down, knees together, back straight, and perfectly comfortable. "I have degrees in psychology, counseling, and education. I was a model for Barbi-elle. I have written four novels. I worked as a reporter for the Daily while pursuing my dreams of being a gymnast. I type at a speed of two hundred words a minute. I have worked for the late Michael Smith of Smith and Credial. I am the on-site manager for the Habitat for the Homeless and have been for five years. While working for the Peace Corp, I was voted most likely to die of internal injuries while helping fellow disaster victims.

"You're rather over qualified," Reno said, finger tapping his chin. "So why do you want a menial job in the bowels of ShinRa HQ?"

"I just want to help people," she said with a radiant smile.

"Really?" Reno smiled.

"Yes! I'd do anything to help anyone!"

Tseng stepped into his office and Reno's smile fell.

"Damn."

Tseng looked around the room, eyes lingering on the snoozing Elena before looking at the woman in the chair. "You would be Miss Sue, I suppose?"

"Oh, yes!" She stood and offered her hand. Tseng shook it before walking around his desk and dumping Reno out of his chair. He brushed himself off before sitting down. Grumbling, Reno dropped onto the couch next to Elena, who sat up, startled out of sleep.

"The position you are interviewing for will take you to the front lines of the war with Wutai. You're job will be to send reports back to this office on the war. You will be providing ShinRa with vital information while alleviating The General from doing unnecessary paperwork. This job does not, in any way, guarantee your safety. Are you still willing to interview for it?"

Mary Sue nodded vigorously.

Tseng, still unsure how he did it, managed not to let his jaw drop. "Then the job is yours. You are to report at the front in 48 hours."

She jumped out of her chair, sapphire blue eyes shining gloriously. "I shall not let you down." She glided out the door, Reno leaning over to watch her butt wiggle.

"Oh yeah."

Elena smacked him up the backside of the head. "Pig."

"If I had been a moment later, Elena, you would have awakened to Miss Sue bent over the desk, courtesy of Reno. Let him have his look."

She frowned at Tseng. "All the more reason to smack him." She elbowed Reno in the side, doubling him over, before shoving him off the couch.

**On the Wutai Front**

"In coming!"

A bomb went off not more than ten feet away from Mary Sue, knocking her to the ground. Rufus looked through his scope at the stunned damsel.

"Damn Wutai," he muttered.

Sephiroth looked through his binoculars. "She's not from Wutai, Rufus."

"I know. I was just bored."

Mary Sue pulled herself to her feet and brushed herself off before walking over to The General. "I'm Mary Sue. I've been sent by ShinRa to be your new secretary."

Sephiroth's lips curled into a smile. "Your name is Mary Sue."

She nodded. "Yes, Sir."

"Well, the only way this could be worse is if your name were Wesley Crusher."

"Huh?"

Rufus snorted. "We have enough jokes about you being gay, Seph."

Green eyes slid back to look at the Shinra the Younger. "Good point."

Mary fidgeted. "Uh, Sir? Where should I put my bag?"

"I'll take it for you!" Zack exclaimed. He hefted the bag. "Follow me. I'll get you settled in. We have a tent for you right next to mine so you can just stop over if you need anything." Zack's voice trailed off as he wandered off, Mary Sue in tow.

"Great. Her first victim. Thank the Ancients I'm immune." Sephiroth looked down at Rufus who was staring after her dreamily. "Victim number two."

**Later that Night**

Zack paced around the tent. "She's so wonderful, and perfect, and kind, and beautiful, and...

"You're seeing Aeris."

Zack put his hands on his hips. "What happens in the army stays in the army. Besides... I think she's better than Aeris."

Sephiroth felt a headache coming on. "Oh dear god." He put down his book. "All right, Zachary. Are you officially calling it quits between you and Aeris?"

Zack stopped, eyeing his friend. "What are you up to?"

"I really liked that leather get up. I'm sure she'd wear it for me."

Zack leapt at Sephiroth, knocking him out of the chair. "Keep your hands off my girl!"

Sephiroth grabbed Zack by the back of his shirt and lifted him. "Oh good. You're back to normal."

Zack's lower lip trembled. "But... But..."

"If you're lonely, take some leave time. I'm sure Aeris will keep you warm."

"But Mary Sue is right here..."

"And Mary Sue is a pox." Sephiroth stood and dusted himself off. "Pull yourself together, Zack. I need a working soldier, not a fan fiction convention."

Zack sat up. "Can I still check out her ass?"

"Yes."

"Great. "Cause she's got a nice one."

"Pig."

**In the Wutai Camp**

Meda, the priestess currently stationed on the front starred at the enemy camp through binoculars. "Son of a..." She dropped the binoculars and jumped out of the tree. "I'll be right back!" she screamed as she ran by the nearest guard on watch.

**On the Wutai Front**

Mary Sue leaned over Cloud. "What's your name?"

Cloud eyes peered over the chocobo racing section of the newspaper. "Cloud," he grumbled.

"Cloud what?"

"Why do you care?"

"Well, you see. My real last name isn't Sue. It's Strife. I was told my long lost brother would be at this camp and I'm trying to find him. You see, I'm his twin and we were separated at birth by our parents. Before my father abandoned me, he said that I had a brother. Could you help me?"

"Nope."

"Oh..." Mary sat there, looking dejected and depressed. "If you help me, I'll help you."

Cloud looked into her eyes, which held the depths of all sorrow. "Listen, sweetheart, you aren't a chocobo and you aren't made of Gil, so piss off."

"But, Cloud, I just know I can be of some help to you."

"Look, you don't have feathers and I can't make money off of..." he trailed off, blinking. Suddenly, his face was split by the sweetest smile the world had ever seen. "So... How much to do you weigh?"

**A Little Later**

"Oh! I hate my face!"

Sephiroth looked up from the paperwork on his desk. "What brought this on?"

Tears welled up in Mary's glorious eyes and she shook her beautiful tresses. "I'm so beautiful that everyone either hates me or wants to have sex with me!"

"Oh well." Sephiroth signed the paper under his hand. "I'm sure you'll learn to deal with it."

The tent flap was tossed aside and Meda tapped Mary on the shoulder. Miss Sue turned around and her face got to have a nice, personal meeting with the priestess' fist. "Back off, Bitch! I'm the Mary Sue in this fic!"

Mary, her tears suddenly forgotten, turned up her nose. "As if. I'm beautiful, perfect, and my eyes are a luscious sapphire blue. You can't compare."

"It has nothing to do with looks, sweetie. It's all in the hips."

"And what makes you think you're the Mary Sue?"

Meda crossed her arms over her chest and smirked. "I've slept with the lead character."

Mary gasped. "But I'm supposed to do that!" She looked at Sephiroth. "Tell me she's lying! I have to sleep with you!"

Giles mother crashed into the tent. "Neither of you are worthy Mary Sues! I'm the one who is obsessed with Sephiroth!"

Giles tapped his mother on the shoulder. "Uh? Mom? I'm the Mary Sue. None of this fic's readers like me."

Mary growled. "I'm Mary Sue!"

"No you aren't! I am!"

"No, I am!"

"No, I am!"

"I am!"

"You wish."

"Back off!"

"I'm the Mary Sue!"

The four growled at each other and a fight ensued.

Sephiroth looked at Rufus who was sitting quickly in the corner, enjoying the view. "I'm putting an end to this." He walked for the bar and paused next to Cloud, who was working his calculator like a mad man on crack. "Cloud, what are you doing?"

"Calculating the poundage on Miss Sue. She's pretty light, but she's got a nice figure. I won't be able to sell her as meat, but I'm sure she'll do great in my prostitution-- I mean escort service."

"You are a very bad person, Cloud Strife."

"I'm a very practical person, General Sephiroth."

Shaking his head, The General continued to the bar.

**After the Fight**

Mary Sue searched the camp, looking all over for Sephiroth. She stopped at The General's tent and looked inside. Rufus looked up at her. "Yes?"

"Do you know where The General is?"

"Maybe."

Brushing off an imaginary speck of dirt, Mary looked him up and down. "What would I have to do to find him?"

Rufus leaned forward, putting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands. "Well, I have a little green friend who needs cheering up."

Mary's jaw dropped.

"He's in the bar. You can't miss him. Make him happy and he'll tell you where Seph is."

Swallowing, she nodded and ran for the bar.

"Whoa! Boy, is she stupid."

Mary walked into the bar to a chorus of whistles. She sighed but saw a small green thing sitting at the bar. She pulled up a stool.

**Several Drinks and a Life Story Later**

Mary took the Tonberry's small green head in her beautiful hands and made him face her. "Don't let Kakashi upset you! You've killed so many with your shining blade! I just know that one day you will kill him. You just have to keep on trying!"

Mary began to glow. "No! You can't give up now! Not when you're in your prime!" A pair of golden angel wings sprouted from her back and the light of heaven shone down upon her.

A small tear of hope glimmered in the Tonberry's eye.

And then he stabbed her.

Sephiroth smirked at the shriek that sounded through the camp.

"What the hell was that?" Zack asked from his shower stall.

Sephiroth adjusted the shower head so the water was hitting the tough spot on his back. "The hit I hired Tonberry for."

"Oh. Okay."


	33. Episode Thirty Three: Wutai Zombie Fest!

**This Army Life**

By Nicolle

1st Note: Reports of my death by Tonberry's blade are grossly exaggerated.

2nd Note: All I want for Christmas is a plush Albel Nox doll. Because I am a rabid fan girl. A _very_ rabid fan girl... OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note: 'Giles and the Mary Sues' will be performing at the Golden Saucer for a special Extravaganza! It will feature singing, dancing, comedic acts, show tunes, and Sephiroth trying to chew through the leather straps to get away. It'll be great!

New Note: I have tried several times to fix the problem with questionmarks not showing up. This is the last try. If it doesn't work... GRRR!

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy is still owned by Square-Enix. (Until they sell their souls again.) Zoe and Dirge belong to James Farr.

Further Disclaimer: BIG TIME apologies to all things zombie out there. If you like zombies, please visit xombified(dot)com. It's an excellent zombie site.

**Episode 33: Wutai Zombie Fest!**

_Is it just me or is this title a dead give away?_

Sephiroth and Zack stood in their showers stalls, arms over the sides, enjoying the hot water. A whistle filled the air.

"If it's Kakashi again, I swear I'm going to eviscerate him."

"You already have, Seph. Twice."

"Oh yeah."

KABOOM!

Cloud poked his head in the tent. "Giles is back from Midgar, Sir. A message came with him. Would you like me to read it?"

Sephiroth nodded.

"Dear Seph and Zack,

If this letter has reached you then the range on the newest prototype is perfect. I'm thinking of calling it the Sister Cannon. Anyway, I thought I'd drop you a note to let you know that Wutai has kidnapped Hojo. I don't really care, but Shinra says you need to get him back. Tell Rufus I miss him, and if Palmer hits on me one more time, I'm sending him straight to hell.

Love,

Scarlet"

Zack opened his mouth and Sephiroth stuffed a wash cloth in it. He spit it out. "What was that for?"

"I knew what you were going to say. I just decided to cut you off at the pass. Remember, until we do a Cid episode, this is only rated PG-13."

"Damn."

"Exactly." Sephiroth grabbed a towel and wrapped it around his waist. "Well. Let's go."

"Why? Godo will kill him after so long."

The General squeezed the water out of his hair. "Zack, put this together in your head. Hojo plus Wutai plus plenty of time on his hands equals..."

"Oh sweet Promised Land! We have to save Wutai!" Zack grabbed his towel as he ran out of the shower tent. Screams of delight echoed through the camp from the female officers as Zack ran by.

**Somewhere in Wutai**

Sephiroth and Zack laid flat on the hill, goggles on to hide mako eyes.

"Do you still think they shoot when they see green?" Zack asked.

Sephiroth shrugged. He put a piece of paper the color of his eyes on a stick and waved it in the air. Green confetti littered the area when the rocket hit the stick. "I think it's safe to say so."

"Sir? I thought you might get hungry out here, so I brought you some sandwiches."

Both men froze and turned slowly to see Giles, standing behind them, wearing green. Zack kicked the Private in the knee and sent him sprawling. "What are you trying to do? Give away our position?"

Giles lay on his back, wondering how the sky got to be so suddenly far away. "Uh... Do I own the position?"

The generals looked at each other. "What?"

"Well, you asked if I was giving it away and I thought I had to own something first to give it away."

The generals blinked.

"Giles, you truly are a moronic zombie."

"You mean like him?"

Sephiroth looked where Giles pointed. A grade A, bona fide zombie was shambling towards them.

"Brains!"

Zack tapped his friend on the shoulder. "There are more over here, Seph."

Suddenly surrounded by zombies, Sephiroth sighed. "When we find Hojo, we kill him."

"Right."

He drew Masamune. "Tactical retreat. Follow me." They ran into the trees and then slowed down when they realized that the zombies could only shamble. Creeping carefully through the woods, Zack went around a tree and bumped into Meda.

"Hey! It's the priestess girl!"

Sephiroth looked over Zack's shoulder. "What are you doing out here? Your camp is over the northern front."

"My camp _was_ on the northern front. That's where Hojo hit us first." She jerked a thumb back at the five Wutai infantry men behind her. "We're all that's left."

One of the men waved his hand in the air. "Can we defect?"

Meda sighed. "No. You can't defect." She looked askance at Sephiroth.

"Where are you heading?"

"The house on the hill over there."

Sephiroth turned around. "You mean the one that's in black and white when everything else is in color?"

She nodded.

"Okay. Good luck."

They walked passed each other.

"See you later, Seph."

"Death to Sephiroth!"

"Death to Sephiroth."

"Death to Sephiroth!"

"Go Packers! But mainly Death to Sephiroth."

"Oooooooooookay..." Zack said as the Wutaians walked away. "We forgot to ask what Hojo hit them with."

"I have a feeling it has something to do with the zombies following us."

"You mean like this one?" Giles asked. A kid with purple hair, purple eyes, and a raven on her t-shirt stood behind them.

"I'm not a zombie!"

Zack got down on one knee to look the girl in the eye. "Aren't you cute? How did you get out here?"

"My friend Dirge was helping me get back to a human settlement and we were separated."

"Human settlement?"

"Yeah. This place is crawling with zombies. There aren't any people for miles. I only followed you because you weren't dead."

Zack sat down. "Great."

Sephiroth sighed. "You can stay with us until you hook up with your friends again."

**Sometime later...**

Our intrepid heroes plus Giles walked into a deserted town that was crawling with zombies.

"Stay quiet and maybe they won't notice us?" Zack whispered.

Sephiroth stopped dead looked at Zack. "Why the hell would you think that? They want brains. The only person immune to zombies is Giles because he hasn't got one. Really, Zack. You aren't from this planet are you?"

Something bumped The General's shoulder and he turned with his arm out intending to close line whatever touched him. He stopped just short of hitting Reno in the face.

"Hey, Seph, what are you doing here?"

"What am I doing here? What are you doing away from Midgar?"

Reno shrugged. "We wanted a new watering hole." Elena waved at them from her spot over Rude's shoulder.

"Do I even want to know?"

"She started drinking when she first saw the zombies."

Elena nodded with a happy little smile on her face.

Sephiroth sighed. "Where are you going?"

"To the Winchester."

"What's that?" Zack asked.

"A bar." Elena said.

Sephiroth put his head in his hand. "We're being attacked by zombies and you want to get a drink..."

"You have a better idea?"

"Yes. There's a shopping mall over there," Zack said. "We can hole up until this whole thing blows over."

Sephiroth put his head in his hand. "I don't know you people anymore."

Elena waved at the little girl. Zoe walked over. "Yes, Ma'am?"

"There's a little cabin over the hill that way. You could all stay there for a while."

Reno spun around. "Wow! You said that without slurring,"

Elena gave him a cocky smile and a thumbs-up before passing out.

"That was short and stunning." Sephiroth looked at Reno. "We'll head to the house. You coming?"

Reno looked around. "We're currently surrounded by zombies. We'll lead them off." He made a gun with his fingers and winked at the little girl. "See ya when you're older, short stuff." Reno turned to Rude and they nodded before making a dash through the crowd of zombies. "Come get it! It's a running buffet!"

The zombies turned and followed the Turks down the street. Sephiroth looked at Zack. "Did he just hit on a little kid?"

"It's Reno, man. If it walks on two legs and is vaguely female, he'll go for it." Zack picked Zoe up and put her on his shoulder. "Let's head to that house Elena told us about."

They headed over the hill. "I wonder where Tseng is..."

On cue, the house came into view with Tseng sitting on the porch, a shot gun across his lap. He waved with one hand while eating an apple with the other.

"What the hell are you doing out here?" Zack yelled.

"This is my vacation home."

"In the middle of Wutai."

"No one would think to look for me here."

"Except Elena," Sephiroth said.

Tseng smiled. "Hey, Reno should be the only one around here not getting laid."

"You including Giles in that statement?" Zack asked.

Tseng looked at the private. "Giles is human?"

"I think it's safe to assume it isn't a zombie."

"What's with the bag of apples?" Zack asked, sitting down and grabbing a juicy looking one.

"I'm mad about apples."

"Ooooooooookay." Zack tossed an apple to the little girl.

Sephiroth sat down next to Tseng. "So how did you get a place like this to yourself?"

Tseng shrugged. "Saw an ad in the Midgar Times. It was selling pretty cheap. The Wutaian's say the place is cursed though."

"Really."

"It's supposed to be the final resting place of an ancient book of evil spells called the Necronomicon."

"Fascinating."

Giles wandered out of the house carrying a book bound in flesh. "Indro dola seeko ma. Aesop coma soma cruz. Klata brahta niktu."

The ground started rumbling.

"When this is over, Giles, I'm murdering you," Sephiroth said as he stood. Everyone rushed inside the house as the trees started to attack.

After the windows where boarded up, Zoe tugged on Sephiroth's coat. "Uh, Sir? Something is trying to get out of the cellar."

Every one slowly turned to look at the trap door into the basement, which was banging upwards with a steady rhythm.

Zack through up his hands. "What would Bruce Campbell do?"

Tseng handed him the shot gun.

"Oh..." He cocked the boomstick.

The pounding sounded louder.

"Dead by Dawn! Dead by Dawn!"

Sephiroth slapped Giles up the back side of the head. "Shut up."

"But it wasn't me, Sir!"

The house creaked and the walls bent inward.

"Say goodbye to your vacation home, Tseng. I think it's going to implode," Sephiroth said as he ran for the door. Throwing the barricade out of the way, they ran outside and into a zombie with a shovel over its shoulder.

"Dirge!" Zoe ran over and hugged the zombie around the leg as the house exploded.

"That's your friend?" Zack asked as he ducked pieces of flying wood. He looked at Sephiroth. The General shrugged.

The zombie looked down at the girl. "They're humans. You might want to stay with them."

She looked back at the guys. "Where are you from?"

"Midgar," Tseng said.

She looked back at Dirge. "I'm staying with you." She waved as they walked off. "Thanks for the help guys."

"Are we cool with this?" Zack looked at Sephiroth and Tseng. "I don't know if I'm cool with this."

Sephiroth sighed. "Look, Zack. He's not eating her brains or harming her, and I wouldn't want to go to Midgar either."

"But you're from Kalm," Tseng interjected. "Shouldn't you have said something"

"I have a home in Kalm. I'm not from anywhere." They looked at him. "All right. Technically I'm from Hojo's lab. Can we stop this line of conversation? It's making me uncomfortable."

Both men put up their hands. They walked back into the town, which was quiet and empty.

"This is ominous," Zack said. He pulled the buster sword off his back and slung it over his shoulder as they walked through town.

Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune and put his arm out. Everyone stopped, straining to hear. The steady tap tap of foot falls sounded from the alley. The sound came louder and louder as Sephiroth readied his sword and Tseng quietly chambered a bullet in his gun. Zack tensed, muscles straining.

Tonberry stepped out of the alley.

Seeing them, he waved his knife at them, blade still sticky with the blood of Miss Sue, and continued to cross the street. Zombies, finally and truly dead, littered the alleyway behind him.

"Screw this," Sephiroth said. He pulled out a tracker and turned it on. A steady red blip pulsed in front of them. "Follow me." They walked to the edge of the town and found a broken down chemical factory. Inside, they found Hojo working furiously among a large desk full of chemicals.

Sephiroth put up the Masamune. "What are you doing, Hojo?"

Hojo looked at a glass of puke green liquid in the light. "Conducting an experiment. Nothing unusual."

"Exactly what kind of experiment are you conducting, Doctor?" Tseng asked. The Turk leaned against the table to look at him.

Hojo glared at him through his muskrat hair. "I'm making zombies, you fool. Isn't that obvious?"

"Very. What are you planning on doing with them?"

"What else? Take over the world."

"You need more zombies than you've got for that," Zack said.

Hojo snorted and crossed his arms over his chest. "I would have had more zombies except some guy named Ash breezed through here with a chainsaw and a shot gun."

"Sounds like my kind of man," Zack said.

"I'm sure it does." Hojo looked at Sephiroth. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on the front?"

"I would be on the front if I hadn't been sent in to rescue you."

Hojo turned back to his work. "Leave me be. I've almost perfected my formula."

"And what will you do with that formula?"

"Make all of Wutai my army of zombies."

Zack looked at Sephiroth. "I think he's threatening your woman, Seph."

Hojo cast a side long glance at The General. "Woman?"

"I've been screwing a Wutai priestess on the side."

Hojo suddenly looked relieved. "You mean you aren't gay? Oh thank the Promised Land!" He hugged Sephiroth.

"Oh dear Planet, I can't believe I'm going to do this." Sephiroth grabbed Hojo by the arms and shook him. "Get ahead of yourself, Dad! If you keep this up you'll lose funding."

Hojo looked up at The General. "No funding?"

"None."

Hojo sighed and threw done his gloves. "All right. Let's go back to Midgar." He turned to clean up his things.

Zack put his hand on Sephiroth's shoulder. "You okay, man?"

Sephiroth shuddered. "He hugged me and I had to call him 'dad.' I feel dirty. And sick."

**Home Again, Home Again...**

Zack and Sephiroth sat in the tent, digesting a meal of chocobo wings with secret sauce. Don't ask what's in the sauce. Cloud's head popped in the tent.

"Sir? Reeve has been kidnapped by Wutai."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "Is he the guy who built Midgar?"

"Yeah."

"Let him rot."


	34. Episode Thirty Four: Happy Birthday!

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Again, sorry about the delay. I've hit some serious writer's block.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note: I've seen about a bazillion fics, or chapters in fics, about Sephiroth's birthday, so I thought it was time to do one of my own.

4th Note: I have news! Are you a Hojo fan? Do you miss his evil? Then find a copy of Shadow Hearts Covenant! Yes! You can see Hojo again and kill him!

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix.

**Further Disclaimer and Credit Due**: Clone Number Two is brought to you by: The Crow That Caws at Half Pass Six. Hey Crow, thanks for the idea.

**Episode 34: Happy Birthday!**

"I'll be back tomorrow, Giles. You don't have to hold onto my leg," The General said as he dragged the foot Giles was holding onto forward.

"Sir! Please! Don't leave me alone with the vice president! He's worse than you!"

"You'll just have to suck it up and be a man, Giles."

Cloud walked over and dislodged the Private from his superior officer's leg. "Come on, Giles. I'll keep you safe while he's gone."

Giles panicked. "No you won't! You'll cover me in honey and leave me in the woods!"

"I fail to see how I'm not protecting you," Cloud mused as he dragged Giles away. "If you're covered with fire ants, Rufus isn't going anywhere near you."

"Thank you, Cloud."

"No problem, Sir."

Giles screamed as he and Spike disappeared into the tree line.

Zack stood at the train depot, waiting for Sephiroth. "Took you long enough."

"I had to get rid of Giles."

"How'd you manage that?"

"Cloud managed for me." He got on the train and Zack followed. Sephiroth sighed. "You are not coming with me."

"Oh come on! I'm your friend! I should be there for this."

"No. You shouldn't." He kicked Zack off the train and threw his bag off after him. "See you when I get back. And don't let Rufus go mad with power while I'm gone."

**Seventh Circle**** of Hell (and dropping)**

Number One and Number Two stood on the platform, waiting for the train to arrive.

"I'm still going to hurt you."

"Feel free to try," Number One drawled. "You make Hojo look like Mr. Universe."

"I'll find a way."

"Remember, Two, age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill."

Number Two smirked. "Just so long as you remember that you're the old geezer in the equation."

Sephiroth stepped off the train. "Hey bros." He shook hands with Number One while pulling him close for a hug and a pat on the back.

"Yo, big brother. How's army life?"

"Sucks. But the food you send keeps us going."

"Am I feeding the whole army now?"

"No, just Zack and I. Occasionally we share with Rufus, but the Turks sneak him a lot of good stuff." He looked at Number Two. "How's Hojo treating you?"

"Well, he's been too busy to notice I exist since the last mako dip."

"Why?"

"Congratulations, Seph. You have another little sister."

He snorted. "Great. What number are we up to now?"

"We decided we weren't going to let Hojo number her. Her name is Lucretia. Lu for short," Number One said.

They began the walk to Shinra Headquarters. "Is she cute?"

"As a button. Thirteen is really happy."

"I can only imagine."

**Hojo's Lab Done Up Like A...**

Sephiroth admired the clones' handiwork. "How long did it take you to toilet paper the lab?"

Number One shrugged. "With all of us? Thirty seconds."

Sephiroth sniffed. "I'm so proud of you."

"Number Six released a lot of the experiments into the upper floors."

Sephiroth put his head in his hands, hiding the tears of joy. "This is better than last year."

"You're welcome. Everybody's waiting out in the courtyard. Are you ready?"

"Is there cake?"

"You better believe it."

They walked into the courtyard and a cheer went up.

The twins jumped up and down. "Yay! Cake time!"

Number Six jumped up on Sephiroth and planted a big, sloppy lick on his cheek. The General ruffled his hair. "Hey, Six. It's good to see you too."

"Hello? Cake?" Thirteen hissed.

"All right. All right. Don't kill me." Sephiroth looked at Number One. "Where's Hojo? He should be submitted to this torture."

"We mummified him in toilet paper and locked him in the basement bathroom."

Everyone shuddered.

"With Kakashi."

"..."

Everyone burst out laughing.

"Hello? Cake?" Thirteen hissed. A few of the clones coughed and the singing started:

_"Happy Birthday to Us!_

_Happy Birthday to Us!_

_Happy Birthday Dear Sephiroth Clones!_

_Happy Birthday to Us!"_

"Aaaaaaaaaand maaany mooooooooooorrrrrrrrrre!" Number Twenty-Two warbled.

"YAY! Cake!"

The clones dove into the cake. The cake, unable to take the sudden, massive attack on its sweet and fluffy parts, exploded. Number Six ran around trying to catch falling icing on his tongue. Several of the younger clones followed suit.

Number One smirked. "Aren't they adorable?"

"Considering they all look like me, yes."

A very angry Hojo stomped out of the building. "I'm going to murder each and every one of you. Except him." He pointed to Number One. Then he blinked and pointed at Sephiroth. "I mean him." He looked between the two and they both put their hands behind their backs to hide the truth. Hojo growled. "One of you. At this point, I could care less which."

A clone handed him a plate. "Have some cake, Doctor."

"Thank you, Seventeen." He sat down and grumbled while eating his cake. "And there better be a clean lab tomorrow morning! I swear, you're all just as bad as Sephiroth was."

"That would make sense. All things considered," Number Two mused.

"Yes. Well. We're putting a stop to that. Tomorrow I'm going to double up your dosages of mako."

A groaned sounded through out the courtyard.

"Yeah right. You'll have to catch me first," Number Six said. "Oh. And... Sefffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeeeroooooooooooth!"

"Yeah!" Thirteen echoed. "I'm not going to let you put mako in my little sister!"

Sephiroth smirked and looked at Hojo. "So tell me... How did you end up with another girl?"

Hojo threw his plate down. "I don't know! I don't know how it happened the first time!" He looked at the assembled clones. "If I find out one of you had something to do with it, I'll..."

Everyone stared at Hojo.

"Go on..." Number One encouraged.

Hojo sighed, defeated.

"You can't do anything to us!" Fourteen shouted. "You know how fast the rest of us would take you down if you hurt one of us."

"Except for me, apparently," Number Two said; glaring at his brother.

"Oh wah. You were dipped in mako. Suck it up."

"I want an apology for the lab," Hojo said as he stood.

Everyone blinked at him.

"No."

"Yes."

"No."

"Yes."

"NO!"

Hojo sighed. "No respect for people my age..."

Sephiroth snorted. "If you wanted respect, you shouldn't have the clones make up half your staff."

"Good point."

**Back at Camp...**

Rufus cackled wildly as another explosion rocked the camp. He pulled out his fiddle and started playing as half the camp went up in flames. Zack and Cloud stared up at the Vice President as he danced on top of the canteen.

"Seph is so going to kill us."

Cloud looked at Zack. "Speak for yourself. I'm ditching this gig as soon as the last gold chocobo you've got is sold to Wutai."

Zack sighed.

**Birthday Bar Crawl**

Elena looked back and forth between Sephiroth and Number One. "Wow. And I thought my family was dysfunctional."

Sephiroth shrugged and sipped his whiskey.

"Okay. This is how it works," Reno said. He set a tray of shots down in front of Number Two and Three. "Every time Seph does that hair flip thing of his, we take a shot. Who ever hits the ground last, wins."

"Hair flip thing?" Rude looked over his sunglasses at his partner.

"Yeah. Like this." He tossed his head.

"You do realize that we're made of the same stuff Sephiroth is. We're going to drink you under the table," Three said.

"You," Reno pointed at the clone, "Are making the horrible mistake of underestimating a Turk when his mind is set on something."

"Apparently. You're will to kill off all of your brain cells is staggering," Two said. He looked over. "He's doing it." They all took a shot.

The local floozy pulled a stool up next to Number One. "Hey sweet stuff, I bet you got your eyes from your mother."

Sephiroth snorted as Number One turned to the woman. "My mother was a Petri dish. I should hope I don't have her eyes as she didn't have any."

"So seriously dysfunctional..." Elena muttered into her beer.

The woman backed off and someone else pulled up a chair. "You know. Zack told me that you had clones, but I was under the impression that they weren't allowed out of their cages."

"He's not allowed out of his cage," Number One said. He looked over and nearly dropped his drink. "Hello short and gorgeous!"

The girl snorted and Sephiroth leaned back to look around One. "Hey Aeris."

"Don't let him out often, huh?"

"What do you expect from lab rats?"

Number One put his drink down. "I'll have you know I resemble that remark."

"What are you doing in this dive?" Sephiroth asked.

"I saw Tseng through the window, so I decided to harass him."

"Forget about him! Harass me!" Reno yelled.

Number Three looked over. "Woah. Yeah. Feel free to come and harass us."

Aeris rolled her eyes. "What are you doing in the slums? Better yet, what are you doing away from the front?"

"Personal day."

"Away from Zack?"

"I said it was a personal day."

The bartender set something that looked really hard in front of Elena. "So dysfunctional..." She held her nose and took the shot.

"Elena? Don't drink so much or you'll get alcohol poisoning," Aeris warned.

"No I won't. I'm a Turk. The program to consume mass quantities of alcohol comes installed."

"Here, here!" Reno and Rude said before taking another shot.

"She's right," Tseng said. "Come on, I'll put you in bed."

"Sure. Great. Why not? I'm too drunk to molest you properly anyway." She put her arms around Tseng's neck and he carried her out the door.

Number one stared at Sephiroth. The General nearly choked. "Oh... sorry." He sat up. "Aeris, this is Number One. One, this is Aeris. Zack's girl."

"Damn."

Aeris patted the clone of the shoulder. "Don't worry. Your day will come."

"In a hundred other fics," Sephiroth muttered.

"What was that?" Aeris asked, looking around Number One.

"Nothing. Just talking to myself."

"I'd say that was a sign of insanity, but, seeing as I know you, I'd say its one of you more normal traits."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Thanks. I think."

"Hey. I still say that you're saner than Zack, regardless of being raised in a lab."

"I still say Zack should be a Turk!" Reno yelled.

Aeris rolled her eyes. "I love your eyes. They go great with your red hair."

"Thanks! Hey... Wait a minute..."

Rude took off his sunglasses and wiped his eyes. "Ah man... And Tseng missed that one."

**Back at Camp!**

After Zack finished securing the straps on the straight jacket, he tied Rufus' legs down to the cot. Cloud looked between the porcupine and the vice president. "So, how do you keep him from killing you when he wakes up?"

"I have a trail of good whiskey that will lead him straight to the canteen and more alcohol. With any luck, he'll have slept most of the insanity off." He looked at Cloud. "How's the impromptu fire brigade doing?"

Cloud looked out the tent. "Most of the fire is out. So long as we aren't attacked by Wutai, everything should be under control."

A whistle filled the air.

"Son of a..."

**Coffee with Elmyra**

"It's nice to have you over again, dear."

"Thanks for having me," Sephiroth said.

Aeris sat a breakfast muffin in front of him. "How long till you have to leave?"

"Trying to get rid of me already?" He sniffed and looked to Elmyra. "She's always so mean to me."

Elmyra shook her head and sipped her tea.

Seeing that he wasn't getting any sympathy he looked at Aeris. "I have another hour or so."

**Back at Camp!**

Rufus woke up and unwound his feet. Smelling liquor, he put his mouth to the first glass and used to teeth to up end it and drop the whiskey in his mouth. Satisfied, but in the mood for more, he spotted another glass a few feet away from him. He crawled along the ground, following glass after glass as men dodged him while trying to find cover from the attack. Rufus slid along the ground until he got to the canteen. Using his weight as leverage, he through himself against the door and fell inside. Slowly, he got himself up into a bar stool next to Tonberry. He ordered another drink as more bombs landed in the camp.

**Home again, home again, jiggity jig.**

Sephiroth surveyed the camp. Stepping around the medics helping wounded soldiers, he walked passed the canteen were Rufus, in a straight jacket, was trying to by a round for Tonberry. With the exception of the medics, the camp was eerily quiet. He pushed the flap of his tent open and was pounced by Zack.

"You're back! You're back!" The man hugged him, weeping uncontrollably. Sephiroth sighed and patted him on the back.

Zack suddenly pushed him back. "No! Don't comfort me!" He grabbed Sephiroth by the lapels of his coat. "YOU ARE NEVER ALLOWED TO LEAVE AGAIN!"


	35. Episode Thirty Five: Every Giles Has His...

**This Army Life**

By Nicolle

**1st Note:** Major OOC-ness ahead.

**2nd Note:** This one is for all the Giles lovers out there! The promised fan service has come!

**Disclaimer:** Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Until they sell their souls to someone else. The spastic robotic cameo belongs to Jhonen Vasquez. Vampire Hunter D (who does not make an appearance) belongs to Hideyuki Kikuchi.

**Other Disclaimer**: Clone Number Two is brought to you by the Crow That Caws at Half Past Six. The chocobo is Julia's fault.

**Super Special Disclaimer:** The idea for this episode came from ZaknafeinDoUrden!

**Episode 35: Every Giles Has His Day**

"Uh... Sir? I have a problem."

Sephiroth sighed and dropped his pen. "You always have a problem, Giles. What is it this time?"

"I have become..." He lifted his arms dramatically, a long black cape billowing behind him. "A Vampire!" He jumped, fangs extended, and promptly landed flat on his face when Sephiroth stepped out of the way.

"You aren't a vampire, Giles."

"I am so!" He sat up and pouted like a little kid.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and sat down at his desk.

Giles jumped up. "Watch! I'll prove it!" He ran out of the tent and burst into flames.

"Well..."

Zack pocked his head into the tent. "What did he do this time?"

Sephiroth stood. "I didn't set him on fire this time." He looked thoughtful for a moment. "I think he may actually be a vampire."

Zack pulled out a wooden stake. "My day has come!" He ran out into the sunlight after Giles.

**The Seventh Ring of Hell **(and dropping...)

Sephiroth pushed the door to the lab open and walked in with a body bag over his shoulder. Hojo turned from the experiment on the table. He checked his clip board, flipped through a few pages, and then looked back at The General.

"You aren't due for another 2 months, Sephiroth."

"I missed you too, Hojo." He dropped the body bag on an empty table. "I brought you a problem to be fixed."

The good Doctor sighed and threw his hands up in the air. "Sure. Fine. Whatever. It's not like I have an incredible amount of work to be doing."

"It's a vampire."

Hojo dropped his clipboard and rushed over to the table. "Don't just stand there! Open the bag!"

Sephiroth rolled his eyes and unzipped the bag, revealing a rather unconscious, but un-staked Giles. Hojo bent over the Private and pulled a light down to see better. Pulling on a pair of gloves, the doctor began poking and prodding, checking the canines first. Sephiroth walked out of the lab and right into Number Two.

"What did you bring him?"

"A vampire."

The clone cocked an eyebrow.

"You almost have The Look(TM) down, but not quite."

Number Two sighed.

"It really is a vampire."

"How do you know?"

"It burst into flames and I wasn't responsible."

Number Two nodded. "That is a plausible explanation."

"I thought so too. Want to go get something to eat?"

"I would, but there's this spastic little robot that Scarlet brought down from Research and it's been running amok. I have to get it back up stairs."

"All right then. Later, little bro."

"Bye." Number Two walked into the auxiliary lab and winced at the sight. Most of the lab tables were covered with mashed potatoes. Number 23 was staring at the robot, which turned to Number Two when he came in the door.

"I made mashed potatoes!"

"Yes." He looked at the mako containment tank. "And muffins."

"What is that?" It pointed at Number 23.

"It's a..."

"What is that?"

"It's a..."

"What is that?"

"It's a Seph..."

"What is that?"

"It's a Sephiroth Clone."

"I have no idea what you just said!" The robot ran out of the lab. Number Two sighed and followed.

Sephiroth took the stairs to Scarlet's office and knocked on the door. "Come in!"

He opened the door. Scarlet suddenly ran for back exit and ran straight into Sephiroth's chest.

"You can see Rufus after you've helped me."

She looked up at The General. "Well, Seph, you're gorgeous, but I'm kind of married to my work."

"And you cheat on your job with Rufus, right? I need your expertise, not your feminine wiles."

"Oh." Scarlet stood up straight, smoothed her skirt and looked at The General. "What do you need?"

"A cure for vampirism."

"Hmm..." Scarlet sat down at her desk and opened a drawer. Hellfire spat from the drawer's depths for a moment before settling into an evil glow. Scarlet reached in and pulled out a book bound in flesh. When she opened it, moaning souls of the damned floated out of the binding. "Vampires, vampires, vampires. What to do about vampires?" She flipped a few pages. "Ah. To kill a vampire, stake it in the heart."

"I need to cure the idiot."

Scarlet continued reading. "To cure a vampire, stake it in the heart."

"Not helpful."

Scarlet shrugged. "You could try killing the vampire that made him. That usually works."

"Great. Now I just have to find the vampire stupid enough to have bitten Giles."

"It bit _him_?"

He nodded.

"Well, nobody said creatures of the night were intelligent. Have you met any vampires lately?"

"A couple months ago, Zack and I ran into a castle that had a vampire or two in it."

"Were you or Zack bitten?"

"Not by the vampires."

"You naughty boy. Was Giles bitten?"

"Not that I remember."

Scarlet pursed her lips. "Hmm... Well, to find out who made him a vampire, I'll need a sample."

"How big a sample?"

"Just a small amount of blood."

"Damn."

**Down in the Lab**

Zack looked at the robot with its bright aqua eyes. It pointed at Zack, waving its hand around disjointedly.

"Why is his hair so big? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy is his hair sooooooooo biiiiiiiiiiiiiig?"

Zack picked the robot up and handed it to Number Two. "Where the hell did this thing come from?"

"From a meteor that crashed near the front," Scarlet said as she walked through the door. She took the robot from Two and stuffed it under an arm.

"Did anything else come from the meteor?" Zack asked.

Scarlet shrugged. "Well, there was this trail of glowing blue mucus leaving the impact crater, but it's probably nothing to be worried about." She looked around. "What? Did I grow a second head?"

Everyone looked away quickly, every expression a Kodak(tm) Moment. Scarlet pushed Hojo out of her way and jabbed a syringe into Giles arm.

"OOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!"

"Stop crying, baby. It's just a needle."

"IT'S A FOOT LONG!"

Scarlet pulled the syringe out and looked at the vial. "Hey! His blood is glowing blue."

"I could have told you that," Hojo said. "It's actually a kind of anti-mako and will render a SOLDIER powerless."

Sephiroth and Zack stepped away from the needle. Zack looked at his friend. "Why are you stepping back? I thought you were naturally incredible."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "I AM incredible." He sighed. "You know those hard bumps I have in my wrist?"

"The creepy ones that freak me out when they glow at night?"

"Yeah. Those ones. They're hardened mako in my body."

"Shit, man. That's gotta hurt."

"You have no idea."

"Ahem." Scarlet eyed the men in the room. "I suppose our vampire is whatever crawled out of the meteor with the robot."

The robot jumped out from under her arm. "I'm dancin' like a monkey!"

**At the Meteor** (snicker) **At Night**

Zack leaned on Sephiroth. "I'm not feeling so good, Seph. My head's killing me and my body feels like I just woke up from a four day bender."

"I know your pain, Zack." He looked at Scarlet. "Do we have to be near you and Giles for this? His blood is making me nauseous."

"I'm sorry, Sir!" Giles hugged him. "Does this help?"

"No," Sephiroth gritted through his teeth. He looked off in the direction of Nibelheim. He hissed. "Coming soon to this location: charming ruins."

Scarlet pulled Giles away from The General. "Leave them alone, moron." She stuffed a hand covered in the glowing goo in Sephiroth's face. He hit the ground, groaning. If he'd been in better condition, he would have asked whose hand it was. "I guess it's the same stuff. All right. Let's find our vampire."

Once the SOLDIERS had recovered, they followed the trail of blue slime from the meteor and right into the camp.

"Well. This is a bad sign," Zack said.

Sephiroth looked at Zack. He opened his mouth and then closed it, shaking his head.

"What?"

"Just. Just stop trying, Zack."

"Well... Somebody picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue."

"Go in the camp before I kill you."

"Yes, Sir." Zack ran in, following the trail. It led right to the chocobo pen. The chocobo's were missing. The trail flowed off into the mess. As the group walked toward the tent, they found the bodies of young SOLDIERS with bite marks on their necks strewn through out the camp. Crouching outside the mess, they listened in.

"Great Chocobos! The time of our horror is over! Tonight, we shall feast on the blood of our enemies and make them our slaves!"

A great chorus of squawking followed the short speech.

"Tonight, we make this camp ours! Not even the great Sephiroth can stop us!"

"Are you going to take that, Seph?" Zack looked at his friend. "Seph?" The General was unconscious from being so close to the anti-mako. Zack reached down to pull The General over his shoulder and promptly sat down, woozy.

"Are you two all right?" Scarlet whispered.

Zack's eyes rolled back before he slumped over.

"Great. Just great."

"You still have me," Giles said.

The tent flap was cast aside and Scarlet stared up at a large vampire chocobo. "We're doomed."

**A little while later...**

Sephiroth woke up with a splitting headache. He was tied up back to back with Zack, and currently being dipped into a vat filled with the anti-mako slime. Giles slumped on the ground. A large blue chocobo with fangs like a cobra stepped into view.

"I am Indrath, the vampire chocobo!"

"You do realize how incredibly stupid you look, don't you?

"What!"

"I mean, really," Sephiroth continued, "You have fangs. You're a chocobo with fangs. You already have a sharp beak. Why do you need fangs?"

"Do not question me or me questionable appearance!" It coughed politely. "You will not be able to stop my plan, General. I have placed you in a vat of mako draining vampiric slime. Soon, it will leech all of the power out of your SOLDIER body. Being made primarily of mako, the slime will kill you!" It raised its wings and shook its feathers for effect.

"Ahh... He looks so cute!" Zack said.

"Cute am I? Well, Zachary, we have a special plan for you! When you are too weak to resist us, we shall turn you into one of our zombie slaves. A fitting punishment for the man who tried to make us into a fast food staple!"

"But you taste so delicious," Zack moaned. "I can taste you right now."

"Can you untie me from him? Please? You can do whatever you want to him, but I don't think I can spend my last moments tied to a man who's salivating."

The blue chocobo snorted. "I think not." He kicked Giles, who looked up with glazed eyes. "Since this one cooked so many of us, I will leave him trapped with his addiction!"

"Oh dear Ancients, if you pull out Pokemon cards, slime or not, I will destroy you?"

The chocobo eyed Sephiroth. "With what? Heat beam eye blast? Sorry, Superman, but your destiny has come!" He threw a pack of Pokemon cards on the floor in front of Giles, who snatched them up greedily. The chocobo turned and left, his unholy army of chocobos following in his wake.

"Damn it, Giles. Put the cards down and help us!" Sephiroth yelled.

"I can't, Sir. Pokemon..."

Zack twisted in his bonds. "I can't see what's going on. Are we getting boned?"

Sephiroth looked at the idiot. "Yeah. We're boned."

"No! I must... resist! I must save my General!"

"Now I'm not sure I want to be saved," Zack said.

"Me either." He watched Giles struggle to look away from the cards. "For the Promised Land's sake, Giles, just put them in your pocket and come over here."

Giles vision suddenly cleared. "Oh yeah." He put the cards in his pocket and walked over to the vat. Climbing up the scaffolding holding the generals in the vat, Giles found the controls. Two minutes later and the generals were shaking the goo off their shoes while Giles slid down the ladder.

"Wow, Giles. You did that without screwing up," Zack said.

"I know. I'm scared too."

"Let's find the damn chocobos and kill them."

"Hey? Where's Ms. Scarlet?" Giles asked.

**Somewhere in the woods...**

"Oh, Rufus!"

**Back to camp!** (as quickly as possible...)

Sephiroth and Zack looked at the growing mass of chocobos. "Did you find Scarlet's special issue cannon?"

Zack perched the cannon on his shoulder. "Locked and loaded, boss man!"

"Great. Fire at--"

"I am Shinobi D! And I will eradicate your feathery kind!" Kakashi landed in the middle of the chocobos dressed as in bad vampire hunter knock offs. The surrounding chocobos proceeded to peck him to death.

"Hurry up and kill them, Zack."

**The Seventh Ring of Hell **(and dropping!)

Sephiroth walked into Hojo's lab, carrying a beaten up Kakashi. He dropped the idiot on a lab table. "Find out what makes him regenerate and find out how to stop it so I can kill him."

Hojo raised an eyebrow. "How's... whatever the hell his name was?"

"Giles is back to normal. Or as normal as he ever was."

"Ah. No vampiric-ness left?"

Sephiroth shook his head.

There was a loud pounding and then a crash. Lab assistants ran around screaming as a mako saturated muffin monster climbed busted through the door.

Scarlet's robot friend danced at its feet. "I made it myself!"


	36. Episode Thirty Six: Giles' Miracle Shamp

**This Army Life**

By Nicolle

1st Note: I always tell you guys not to eat or drink while reading this fic, but this time I really mean it. Oh dear God, what have I done? Also, I made a really, REALLY, old TV reference.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead. But you knew that, right?

3rd Note: Next meeting of the 'We Hate Giles' Club will be put on hold in favor of running from an irate Tonberry.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy VII belongs to Square-Enix.

EXTRA **SPECIAL** disclaimer! This story idea comes from Slashy no Paloza! Thanks Slashy!

Episode #36: **Giles' Miracle Shampoo!**

It wasn't that everyone was giving him a wide berth. They always did that. He was The General.

It wasn't that everyone was trying their hardest not to look at him. They always did that. He was The General.

It wasn't that everyone was quieted in his presence. They always did that. He was The General.

What it was, well, Cloud had been rolling on the ground laughing for the last forty minutes straight and every time he took a breath, he'd look and the howls would start again. The Chocobo Kid was in tears he was laughing so hard and everyone was waiting for him to be set on fire, or worse. Sephiroth, however, was resigned to his fate.

It only happened once a year and when it did, it was the most traumatizing thing in the world. Years in Hojo's Lab, years as a test subject and living experiment, and years of dealing with Shinra were no where near as traumatizing as this moment: Sephiroth was having a bad hair day. All that long hair had turned into the Planet's biggest 'fro.

It was enough to make a grown man cry.

Cloud already was, but for different reasons.

Of course, Zack looked like a porcupine about to explode, so there was some balance.

Sephiroth sat down next to Zack at the mess table. Well, he sat down as close as he could, all things considered. The men continued to stare at their food to avoid looking at, and therefore incurring the wrath of, their general.

"Whoa. And I thought I had it bad," Zack said.

Sephiroth's head hit the table. "Kill me now."

"Yeah. Sure. Like the Buster Sword is going to go through your mako saturated skin." Zack took a bite of the food, wished he hadn't, and swallowed anyway. "Suck it up and be a man."

"How can you be so mellow about this? The humidity is killing us. You look like a porcupine about to face off with a pit bull."

Zack shrugged. Which was the wrong thing to do as Giles walked by with a tray full of food for the General. The tray landed on Zack's head.

"Dammit, Giles! This is not an episode of 'You Can't Do That On Television.' "

"Sorry, Sir."

Zack wiped the slop out of his eyes and stood. "I'll be back."

"I'll get you another tray, Sir." Giles said as he cleaned up.

"Don't bother. I'm not sure I could stomach it."

"Are you sure? You aren't looking to good. I mean, besides your hair."

Sephiroth peered up at him.

"It's just that you look like the guy in a science fiction movie who is the first to see the Creature."

Sephiroth groaned. "Great. A bad hair day and Giles is cracking better one liners. This can't get any worse."

"Seph! Check it out!" Zack ran in and his hair looked sleek and beautiful.

"What the hell?" Sephiroth sat up and ended up smacking the four soldiers eating lunch behind him. "Oh. Sorry about that."

"No problem, Sir," one gargled from the plate his face was currently mashed into.

"What happened to your hair?"

"It's the food! I washed it out and my hair... Aeris is going to love this!" He ran his hands through his perfect, perfect hair. "You gotta try it!"

"Put Giles' cooking in my hair? No way." He backed away from Zack and ended up bashing a few more people with his hair.

Zack took advantage of his superior's lack of mobility and threw his tray into the silver/white disco ball wannabe.

Sephiroth sighed. "If that got on my new leather coat, Zachary..."

"I'll pay for the dry cleaning."

**Hours Later...**

He was still trying to figure it out. By the look of the clock on the wall, he only had a few more minutes before the showers became the property of women in the camp. He shuddered as he remembered the mad rush that ran him over in the search for hot water the last time he took too long. It was still ego bruising to think that the women were more interested in getting clean than getting dirty with the obviously naked Sephiroth. He sighed. Pulling on his pants and tossing his towel over the line, The General wandered back to his tent.

"I told you."

Sephiroth sat down at his desk. "Exactly what was in lunch?"

"I have no idea, but Giles has already started bottling it. He's called it 'Le Perfection.' "

"It that a correct use of language?"

Zack shrugged. "Look who you're asking."

"Good point." Sephiroth petted his silky, shiny, perfect hair.

**A Week Later...**

Rufus came in the tent. "Have you seen this?" He handed a Sephiroth a mini TV.

_ Are you tired of bad hair days? (Several frizzy haired women nodded sadly.)_

_Then say goodbye to horrible hair and expensive shampoos!_

_All you need is _Le Perfection._ (The frizzy haired women turned into beautiful starlets with incredible hair.)_

Le Perfection_ is all we need! (One of the starlets giggled. She blew a kiss at the screen.)_

_Le perfection is a product of Giles Enterprises._

"What is this?"

Sephiroth went back to writing his report. "It's called shampoo, Rufus. I know you have an intimate relationship with it."

"My fetish aside, one of your men is using Shinra time to hock a hair product. If there's one thing my father hates, it's a thief."

"Doesn't like the competition, huh?"

Rufus looked at the General. "Could you be serious for a moment?"

"Sure, but I don't see a cause for concern. It's keeping Giles out of my hair, no pun intended, and he's not cooking our meals, so I'm no longer fasting. I don't see a down side to this."

"Wait. The guy marketing this stuff is the cook?"

"Yes."

"No wonder the food always tastes like household cleaners."

Rufus turned to leave and stopped, looking back at Sephiroth. "You haven't, uh, told Scarlet about the shampoo thing, right?"

"Not a word."

**Another week goes by...**

"Giles has asked me to be in one of his commercials," Zack said as he sat down in the lawn chair.

Sephiroth peeked at him from over his sunglasses. "And?"

"Well, you know how it's been my life long dream to be a model?"

"I don't like where this is going, Zachary."

Zack held up his hands. "I said no, but a talent agent asked me to model a new line of jeans."

"Zack..."

"I know. I know. I turned him down too. You know I would never leave you."

"Zack, it would take both hands and several toes to count the number of times you went AWOL on me."

Zack opened Sephiroth's cooler and pulled out a cold one. "Keep your shades on, silver boy. I'm not going anywhere, at least not tonight."

"Oh?"

"Giles is appearing on a talk show tonight to promote the shampoo. I want to see him embarrass himself."

"Here's to hoping."

**The Midgar Women's Evening Show hosted by Joan Justice**

"Hello and welcome to the show!" Joan's smile threatened to split her face. "Tonight we're talking to the man who invented Le Perfection, the new hit shampoo destined to revolutionize hair care. Thank you for coming on the show."

"You're very welcome, Joan." Giles beamed in his new polyester suit.

"Is it just me, or does he look like a drug flashback?" Rufus asked.

"It certainly isn't a mako flashback," The General replied.

"Tell us about your new shampoo, Mr. Giles." Joan batted her eye lids at him.

"Well, I invented it while on the Front."

"An army man!" she swooned.

"Is she actually hitting on him?" Sephiroth asked.

"Actually, she does that to any guy with money. Joan's a gold digger," Zack said.

Rufus and Sephiroth looked at him. "What? I have a girlfriend. She does watch this show."

"Why the hell would Aeris watch this travesty?"

"She says it's funny."

"Quiet you two!" Rufus hissed.

"So what is this miraculous shampoo made of, Mr. Giles?" She beamed at him lovingly.

"Well, it's made of all natural ingredients, such as water and minerals."

"So how exactly is it made?"

"Well, it's a variation on my mother's old family gravy recipe," Giles said.

Zack pulled his chair up close. "Here we go!"

"You take a dead rat and you marinate in a mud puddle for about 12 hours and then drain off the water. Then you take the water and add marlboro starch as a thickener."

Joan blanched. She was blinking rapidly again, but not in an attempt to seduce. The audience was dead silent. "You what?"

"You take a dead rat and you marinate in a mud puddle for about 12 hours and then drain off the water. Then you take the water and add marlboro starch as a thickener." Giles smiled.

Joan passed out on the set and a technical difficulties message filled the screen. Zack's phone rang.

"Did you see that!" Aeris yelled. "It was great!"

Zack was holding the phone away from his ear. "Whoa. Yeah. I saw it."

"Did you know the recipe before you watched the show?" Rufus asked.

Sephiroth nodded. "Giles has been marinating rats for years."

"Disgusting. Pass me a fried chocobo wing."

"Can do." He handed Rufus the plate.

**Meanwhile, behind the set...**

Tseng opened his phone. "I'm calling off the hit, Reno. I don't think we have to worry about the stuff being sold to Wutai." He hung up. "I swear, if I have to take another embarrassing job because of Shinra the Younger's fetish, I'm offing him."


	37. Episode Thirty Seven: Ball's the Word

**This Army Life**  
by Nicolle

_Note 1_: If you want to know what's been happening to keep me from updating in almost a year, check out my profile. Otherwise, I apologize for the long wait. Enjoy!  
_Note 1 and a half_: I wrote a quick one shot involving Cloud and Vincent and a whole lot of elderly people on social security check day. It's called Double Coupon Day. It's up!  
_Note 2_: OOC-ness ahead!  
_Note 3_: Giles offered to bake a pie for every reader who demanded one. It will, however, be a marlboro pie. Eat at your own risk.

**Episode Thirty-Seven: Ball's The Word** (Not that kind! Get your head out of the gutter!)

"Message, Sir!"

Sephiroth didn't look up from the desk. "I don't want it, Giles."

"But it looks like an invitation!"

"Which is the reason I don't want it."

Zack sat up. "Why? What would be wrong with this invitation?"

"Because its just about the right time for the invitations to the annual Shinra Employees' Ball and if I avoid the invitation I can pretend that its not happening."

Zack scratched his head. "But it will be happening."

"Then it can happen to somebody else."

"Is this because Shinra tries to make you wear a dress every year?"

Giles came in the tent with a huge white box. "A package came too, Sir!"

Sephiroth put his head in his hands. "I'm going to kill him."

**Seeking a Woman's Advice**

Sephiroth paced inside the Wutai priestess's tent. Meda watched him go back and forth. "What's eating you?"

"I'm trying to come up with a way to dodge the annual ball."

"Did the old man send you the dress yet?"

Sephiroth sat down. "It came with the invitation."

"Then you aren't dodging this one." She thought for a moment. "I have an idea! Why don't you give Shinra a reason to never invite you again?"

"That has potential..."

"Take a date whose totally inappropriate for it, go crazy and massacre a few people, bob for fish in the aquarium..."

"Will you go with me?"

"Go with you? Into Shinra HQ? Not a chance."

"You mentioned an inappropriate date."

"Yes, and as much as I think Tseng is cute, I don't really want that good a look at any Turk."

Sephiroth eyed her suspiciously. "Are you saying he's cuter than me?"

The priestess hummed and looked away.

The General huffed. "Great. Just great. I have to find a way to get out of this mess and my woman thinks someone else looks better than me." Storming out of the tent, he ignored the Wutai soldiers' cry of 'Death to Sephiroth.' In the woods he saw something move in out of the corner of his eye and suddenly, he had a wonderful, awful idea.

**Zack Plus Tux Equals You Don't Want to Know**

Zack stared, wide eyed, in the mirror. Aeris looked him over. 

"You look good in a tux."

'I feel like somebody's strangling me."

"Oh come on! It's not any tighter than your formal uniform."

"And I feel like somebody is strangling me when I wear that too."

Aeris sighed. "That somebody is probably Seph."

Zack raised an eyebrow, which looked funny rather than elegant with his eyebrows all ascew.

Aeris laughed and ran to the door when the bell rang. She opened it to The General with someone slung over his shoulder and The Smile(TM) curling his lips.  
Aeris folded her arms over her chest. "What have you done?"

"Nothing yet." He set down what might have been something vaguely female. "I need you to help me clean this up."

**The Ball!**

Scarlet, in a blood red dress, stalked the banquet hall, looking for Rufus. She grabbed a hold of Zack and dragged him by the collar into a corner. "Where is he?"

"Rufus? Back at the front."

"Why isn't he here?"

"Shinra the Elder didn't send his son an invitation. We all know he's trying to kill his son. Now, will you let go of me?" Zack extricated himself from Scarlet's

fingers. "Aeris is being mobbed."

"Why?" Scarlet looked over at an Aeris wearing the infamous leather dress. Tseng was trying in vain to fend off the rest of the Turks and a few morons who didn't know better. "Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I'm going to kick Heidigger down the stairs."

"Whatever rocks your boat, babe." Zack got to Aeris just as Sephiroth walked in the room with a gorgeous, if older, woman in white on his arm. Zack looked at Aeris. "Who is that?"

"The woman Sephiroth brought over to the house earlier."

"That was a woman?"

Aeris elbowed Zack as The General came over. 

"Seph! Who is the lovely creature on your arm?"

"This? Giles' mother."

Zack blinked "What?"

"Meda wouldn't go so I got her instead."

"But she looks normal..."

"Aeris and I had to scrub twenty years worth of make up off of her, and that's what we found underneath."

"Damn..."

Aeris elbowed him. Again.

"I mean, you look very nice, ma'am."

Gile's mom paid no attention. She only had eyes for her one, true beloved. Zack waved his hand in front of her eyes. She didn't move. She didn't even so much as blink. Sephiroth snapped his fingers and she jumped, startled.

"Why don't you get us some punch?"

She smiled like a love sick puppy. "Of course, my love!"

Sephiroth's lips curled into The Smile(TM) as she skipped away. "And this is were the fun starts."

Zack looked at Aeris. "What have you done?"

Aeris smiled, all teeth and really big. She looked at The General. "Did you bring the popcorn?"

Sephiroth pulled a couple chairs over for them to lounge in. He handed Aeris a big plastic bag of buttery goodness. "Oh yeah."

**You Know This Will Go Badly, Right...?**

The elegant, if older, woman stepped up to the punch bowl and waited for the caterer to hand her a drink, the man, who was also Giles, stared open mouthed.

"Uh... Uh..."

"The punch, dear. Two please."

"Y... Yes, Miss!" He handed her two glasses, shaking almost uncontrollably.

"Miss?" She set the glasses down. "Giles, are you all right?"

"You... you know my name? Will you have a dance with me and maybe go out for a drink later?"

"I'll certainly dance with you, but drinks are right out."

"Score!"

She blinked, confused. "What?"

Giles took her hand. "You are the most beautiful woman I have ever met! Will you marry me!"

No longer confused, the response was angry. "What?"

"I can't afford a ring right now but, I know my mother would love you!"

"I am your mother. Ancients, child! I swear that your father's side of the family was filled with nothing but dimwits."

Aeris, back in her chair popped a piece of popcorn in her mouth. "I told you that Giles was a moron on his father's side."

Sephiroth shrugged. "I suppose I need to take back all the 'your mom' jokes. Who would have known, huh?"

Aeris battled at his arm, which caused a stir amoung the Turks trying to get better looks at her, uh, dress. "Think of it this way, she was stalking you."

"Good point."

A bunch of the Turks went down as Giles went flying into them.

"That's no way to treat a lady!" Kakashi screamed. He vaulted over the table, spilling punch in a red turrent across the floor. Giles' mom skipped backwards to avoid the spill and fell into Heidigger's arms. He got an elbow in the face after he copped a feel. She staggered to her feet just in time to have the shinobi grab her about the waist and wade her white shoes into the red punch. He spun her around, pretending to know how to dance, splashing red on her dress.

He looked over his shoulder at Giles. "This is how you treat a fine woman." He bent Giles' mom backwards and kissed her. When he pulled back, he slapped her on the butt. The whole room went dead silent, but for the sound of popcorn munching. "Hey babe, why don't we ditch this joint so I can get a piece of your..."  
Kakashi didn't get the next word out. He was sent flying, into Hojo, and both went tumbling out of the window. She huffed, squared her shoulders, and turned to look at the other men in the room. Everyone looked away but for a certain red headed turk. 

Rude tapped Reno on the shoulder.

Reno waved him off. "I'm horny, Rude, not stupid."

Giles' Mother stomped back over to the popcorn eating bunch. "I'm sorry, Aeris. Your beautiful dress is ruined."

Aeris waved her hands. "It's not a problem, dear. That's what bleach is for."

"It appears that we will not be having punch unless Zachary wants a straw," she said and sat down on the edge of Sephiroth's lounge chair.

Zack sat up. "Woah. woah. Wait! Since when did Giles' Mom become sarcastic and funny? Where's the obsession? Where's the 'your mom' jokes?"

"I don't know. Where's the violence? Where's the blood spray? I'm equally disadvantaged here."

"Sephiroth. Are you going to introduce this lovely woman to me or not?"

Everyone slowly turned and looked at Shinra the Elder. Giles' Mom suddenly blushed bright pink and hid a smile under her hair.

"Uh... President Shinra, this is..."

"Matilda Myers." She held out her hand and giggled a little when the President kissed it.

"May I have this dance?"

"Of course."

Shinra the Elder guided her out to the dance floor, leaving the entire room dead silent.

"Did my stalker just ditch me?"

Zack stared, wide eyed. "I think so..."

"Why not? Your girlfriend thinks Tseng is better looking than you."

Tseng looked over. "Meda? The wutai priestess? Score!"

**Back to Camp**

Zack grabbed a hold of Sephiroth's arm. "Listen Seph! It's okay. Just let it go. So your stalker ditched you for Shinra, it could be worse."

"Nothing, right now, could be worse." He stormed off toward Rufus' tent. "In the name of the Promised land, I am geting some enjoyment out of this day!" Sephiroth shoved the flaps of Rufus' tent open.

"Seph! Wait!"

"Rufus? I have great news for you! You have a new mom!" And that's whhen Sephiroth began to see something other than red. All the women in the camp were scantily clad and chained to Rufus' chair. Shinra the Younger looked up from his magazine and shrugged.

Sephiroth's mouth hung open as visions of his death at the hands of hundreds of angry parents, boyfriends, husbands, brothers, miscellaineous family members, and women's rights groups filled his head. Zack patted him on the shoulder.

"He's mad with power, man. Mad with power."


	38. episode ThirtyEight: A Bad Day Gets Wors

This Army Life  
By Nicolle

Note 1: This episode only vaguely has a plot. If you can identify one, go you! It's really all about the brownies. Mmmmm... Brownies...  
Note 2: OOC-ness ahead!  
Note 3: The 'We Love Giles Club' will have its first meeting on the seventh. During which, Sephiroth may show up... if only to destroy the infestation.

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix (until they sell their souls again). The 'People's Elbow' belongs to The Rock. The idea for this one comes from Beta #2, Sarah!

**Episode 38: A Bad Day Gets Worse**

The three Wutai ninjas stood before Lord Godo nervously.

"How goes our secret operations to invade through the Cosmo Canyon?"

"Uh, they don't, Sir."

Godo blinked. "What?" He looked at the three. "That operation was enacted months ago. Shinra knew nothing of it! Was a contingent of Shinra's army there to meet you?"

"No. The army wasn't there. We came into the canyon to take it and General Sephiroth was there."

"With how many people?"

"It was just him, sir."

"And he wasn't happy," the second ninja volunteered.

"We had an army of hundreds for this operation! Are you three all that's left?"

"Yes, sir," all three said.

Godo put his head in his hands. "How much materia did he use?"

The ninjas shifted and looked at each other. "Uh, none, sir. He just pulled out that sword of his and well..."

"Oh dear Ancients."

The third ninja started screaming. "WE NEVER HAD A CHANCE! HE KILLED BOBBY! HE KILLED BOBBY! BOBBYYYYYYYYYYYY!"

The guards came forward and dragged the poor, foaming boy away.

"We have received a message from the priestess on the front, m'lord." A messenger ran forward and handed a sealed envelope to Lord Godo.

He popped it open and read the contents.

_My Lord Godo,Please halt all operations for the next two weeks.  
President Shinra has done something that involves Sephiroth and a dress.  
-Meda_

"Son of a..."

**Back in Midgar**  
Sephiroth stood in front of the elevators, staring at the door in supreme concentration. Zack peeked over his shoulder, which was an interesting feat since it involved Zack standing on his toes. Sephiroth's eyebrow twitched.

"Elevator out?"

"God damn Shinra." Sephiroth stalked over to the stairs and pounded his way up.

"If you keep walking like that, you're going to end up with shin splints."

"If you keep talking, you're going to end up with your shins split."

Zack shrugged and mosied behind The General. They made it up forty flights of stairs only to get bowled over by Number Two and Number Six on a leash.

"Seph! Seph! Wait! Don't go up there!" Number Two came to a dead stop and leaned forward to catch his breath. Number Six jumped up on Zack and licked at his face.

Sephiroth, ignoring Zack's pleas to be saved from a slobbery death, looked at his second, and therefore mostly sane, clone. "What's going on? Does this have to do with the elevator being out?"

"No, the elevator didn't pass inspection," Two said off-handedly. "You really don't want to go up there."

"Why?"

"I swear that Number One is handling it."

"Brother or not, if you don't tell me what's going on, I will tell Six that you need some exercise."

Number Six stopped licking Zack and turned his head. "Seffffffffffffffffffffffffeeeeeeeeeeeeroth!"

Two's eyes bugged behind his glasses. "Oh please no..."

Scarlet, appearing out of thin air, looked over Two's horrified shoulder. "Hey Seph. You know, you look really good in a dress."

Sephiroth grabbed Two's lab coat and lifted him. "Start talking."

"Hojo-gave-Thirteen-a-growth-serum."

Scarlet smiled, big, with lots of teeth. "Number One has Heidigger held at bay, but Shinra the Elder --" She didn't get out the last of the sentence before Sephiroth was gone. Two fell onto Zack and Six, and the three tumbled down the stairs.

Sephiroth shoved the door to President Shinra's office open and stopped dead. Thirteen, who now had the body of an eighteen year old, sat in a prim little green dress with a look that could kill on her face.

"Woah. She's hot," Rufus said. "Huge tracks of -- umph!"

After elbowing him in the stomach, Sephiroth picked Shinra the Younger up and tossed him down the hall. Dusting off his hands, he went into the Prersident's office. Thirteen saw her big brother and dashed into his arms.

"Please take me back to the lab! I don't want to be up here!"

Shinra the Elder was pouring whiskey in two glasses. He turned to hand a drink to Thirteen when Sephiroth shoved her behind him.

"Hello, President Shinra. Committing statutory today?"

The President, unflustered, set the glasses down. "Your father loaned me the services of your sister this afternoon."

"Services?"

"Hojo wants more funding," Thirteen said.

Sephiroth unsheathed Masamune. "You're a dead man, Shinra." He advanced on the President. "Take heart that you won't be going alone. Hojo will be following you shortly."

The President's eyes bugged out. "The girl is old enough to make her own decisions."

"Thirteen, regardless of what Hojo has done to her, is eight years old!"

"Yes, well, what?"

Sephiroth took a step forward and froze when Thirteen screamed. He turned to see her punch Palmer hard enough to break his nose and send him flying down the hall.

"Don't touch me!"

He grabbed her shoulder to stop her from running after the moron. "Well, you've been paying attention to Number One's martial arts lessons." He propped Masamune on his shoulder and popped open his phone. "Tseng? I'd like to call in a favor. Rough up the President for me." Holding his kid sister clone's hand, he walked out of the office and over to Palmer, who lay at the top of the stairs.

"The elevator's out, Palmer. Time to take a trip down the stairs."

Rufus watched The General use Masamune to prod Palmer down the stairs. He mosied into his father's office. "I love how you can take a problem and make it a feature."

"That was Sephiroth taking a problem and making it a feature. What are you doing off the front?"

"Scaring the hell out of you."

Tseng came into the office, Elena in tow. He dropped his suit jacket on the back of a chair and rolled his sleeves up. "All right, what am I roughing you up for?"

"He was trying to get clone number Thirteen drunk," Rufus said helply.

Elena's eyes blazed. "You were attempting to seduce a child!" Elena suddenly did her best impression of Chaos and leapt for the President. Rude and Reno were suddenly ring side with commentary:

Reno: It's a gorgeous day in Midgar and we have an incredible fight for you today!

Rude: That's right. Today we have President Shinra versus Turk Elena!

Reno: The bell has already wrung and our daring fighters have already started the pommelling! Elena, who currently looks like something out of Shinra Mansion's basement, is kicking the President in the kidneys.

Rude: The president doesn't look like he's going to take this! He grabs Elena's foot and swings her into the picture window!

Reno: But that's hurricane glass she hits and Elena drops to the floor.

Rude: It looks like President Shinra has decided against fair play! He's pushing that huge desk in order to crush the newbie Turk!

Elena: I AM NOT A N00B!

Reno: Elena jumps over the desk before it hits the window. The glass spiderwebs, but holds!

Rude: Elena has grabbed Shinra by the throat and looks to be ready to toss him across the room!

Reno: The President, in a daring move, cops a feel!

Rude: And gets a swift kick to the groin! Shinra is on the floor!

Reno: And now for the coup de gras! Elena swings across the ropes from the left, to the right! She stops in the middle, does a mighty kick and lands the People's Elbow into Shinra's face!

Tseng grabbed Elena's hand, raising it into the air. "And the winner is: Elena!"

Thunderous applause erupted from the crowd gathered in the hall way. Elena did a victory dance over the President's unconscious body.

**Down In the Lab...**

While an intern tried various methods of putting the bits cut off of Palmer back on, Hojo stood with his back against a mako chamber, Masamune in his face.

"I need more funding!"

"You need to have your head separated from your neck, Hojo. I happen to have just the right instrument with which to do it." Sephiroth put the sword to the good doctor's neck.

"What if I apologize?"

Sephiroth froze. "What?"

"To Thirteen, for putting her through this."

"Thirteen?"

Now tall enough to do so, she looked over her brother's shoulder. "Kill him!"

Sephiroth prepared. "All right."

"Wait!"

"Hurry it up, will you? I want to watch Elena beat the crap out of your boss."

"Do I get a last request?"

"Thirteen?"

"Nope."

"You heard the lady." Sephiroth smiled.

"You won't get any more Ancient Day presents!"

Thirteen huffed. "Don't kill him."

Sephiroth looked at her. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I'd rather have presents." She looked at Hojo. "I want to be my age again, or I'll let big brother have you."

"Done and done."

**Back at Camp**  
"So why were we at HQ?"

Sephiroth shrugged. "I don't know. Elena has the President broken into several different pieces, so I don't knnow why he summoned us."

Rufus handed Sephiroth a piece of paper. "Actually, he wanted to give you the information for a new, and unusual, recruit."

Sephiroth read the paper as he walked into his tent. "What's this about a--"

"Monkey!" Zack screamed. He drew the Buster Sword. "So, Monkey, we meet again."

Sephiroth looked at Zack as he and monkey began to circle. "Where the hell is the monkey from?"

Zack readied the Buster Sword. "He was my roommate in college."

"You didn't go to college. You were in the military academy with me!"

Zack, unheeding, leapt at the monkey. The monkey howled and leapt at Zack for an epic battle to end all battles.

"Where the hell did the monkey come from!" Sephiroth looked down at the paper and read it again. "Oh."

Suddenly the fighting stopped as the smell of brownies wafted through the camp. Giles came out of the mess with a mouth watering pan of chocolate goodness.

"Oh dear Ancients, he actually cooked something good. Give me a brownie, Giles. I can hardly take much more of this."

Giles doled out brownies to officers. "They're my very best recipe!"

While everyone chowed down, Zack looked at his. "Uh, Giles? What's this white stuff?"

"Porkchop!"

"Porkchop?"

Everyone stopped eatting.

"Yeah! It's just not brownies without porkchops."

The monkey attacked Giles.


	39. Episode Special: A Very Cid Christmas!

**This Army Life**

By Nicolle

1st Note: This is a Christmas episode. Every year, I tell myself I'm going to do a Christmas episode, but I never finish it. This episode is three years in the making. It is also the Cid episode. I didn't change the rating because it wasn't warranted, but it's still the Cid episode. You have been warned.

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note: Giles' Christmas dinner this year is cancelled. We will be using the food as a new biological weapon.

4th Note: For MC-Chan and other clone confused readers, check my profile for a list of the clones.

**WARNING: DO NOT EAT OR DRINK WHILE READING THIS FIC!!!** You have been warned.

**Disclaimer**: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. Giles' story is my husband's fault. 'Twas the Night Before Christmas' was written by Clement Clark Moore.

**Episode Special: A Very Cid Christmas!**

"Message, Sir!" Giles pushed the tent flap aside and let a blast of cold air in. Sephiroth grabbed the note and then shoved the Private out, trying desperately to keep the warm air in the tent. Grumbling at the cold, he pulled a blanket around his shoulders and looked at the note. A smile crept over his lips.

Zack, taking it as a sign of impending doom, prepared for the worst.

"We're going to Rocket Town."

Surprised, Zack took the note and read it over. "We're escorting some dignitaries to see a newborn? That doesn't sound so bad. What's the catch?"

"We're going to be on the Highwind."

"That's not a catch... That's a license to swear! BEEP yeah!" Zack froze. "Oh BEEP. The author didn't change the rating." He sniffed and looked about to cry.

Sephiroth patted him on the back. "Come on. We need to get some chocobo's before Giles' cooks them."

"Right."

**Rocket Town**

Sephiroth and Zack looked up at the ship that would carry them and three dignitaries.

"Wow..." Zack breathed. "I'd heard of the Highwind, but seeing it... It's really impressive."

"Hey! You two! Get your god damn army asses on board. We're trying to leave!"

"It's nice to see you too, Cid," Sephiroth said as he climbed aboard.

Shera shook hands with the generals. "Welcome aboard, Sirs. We'll be arriving at our destination late this evening. Please follow me and I'll introduce you to the dignitaries traveling with us." She led them into the room the dignitaries sat in to find three men neither of them knew, dressed as kings from far away. Rufus sat with them.

Zack dropped down next to Rufus. "So... What are you doing here?"

"My father heard about a certain incident and thought I needed to be away from the front."

"Which incident?"  
"Who knows? There's been so many."

Shera made quick introductions before leaving to get them tea. "General Sephiroth and General Zack, this is Representative Casper, Senator Melchior, and Admiral Balthazar. And I'm sure you all know Vice President Rufus."

Sephiroth turned to Caspar. "Who are you visiting so late in the evening?"

"Well, we're on a mission to see the first born son of a man named Joe. He's a friend of ours. Lives out in the middle of no where though."

Melchior leaned forward. "Sorry about having to drag you along. Normally, we'd just hop on some chocobos and go, but they're in short supply for some reason and Shinra was worried about security." He glanced at Rufus.

Rufus huffed. "Okay, so I made a joke about ensuring my hold on the company with a 'death of the innocents.'

While everyone but Sephiroth stared at him in disbelief, Giles walked in. He carried a large silver platter with a roasted chocobo. "Dinner's ready!"

"What the BEEP are you doing here?"

Giles set the tray down and saluted. "Well, it is the holidays, Sir, and I need the money to get my mother something nice."

"Why don't you just give her a picture of The General?"

"Well, I would, Sir, but my camera's broken."

"Am I missing something?" Admiral Balthazar asked.

Sephiroth sighed. "His mother is my stalker."

"Oh my."

Sephiroth shrugged. "She isn't a crazed, machete-wielding maniac, so I don't really mind."

"She's lovely woman," Rufus said. "She's currently seeing my father."

"Thanks for reminding me," Sephiroth grumbled.

Giles cut the chocobo like a turkey and passed it around.

While the dignitaries ate, Sephiroth, Rufus, and Zack stared at the food, before dumping it in the trash when no one was looking.

**Three hours of pointless conversation later...**

"We're going to land soon," Shera said as she gathered up the tea cups.

The Senator patted his stomach and gasped. "It seems my dinner decided belatedly to fight back."

The Admiral nodded. "It was rather potent."

Representative Melchior hit the floor, groaning.

Shera dropped the tray and moved quickly to the man. After checking his vitals she looked up at Zack. "Help me get him to a bed."

Zack leapt to his feet.

"Perhaps we should follow," the admiral said before he passed out in his chair.

"Oh my... This is bad." Shera looked at Rufus and Sephiroth. "Come on, you two. Shake a leg."

In no time, they were looking at three beds filled with three very sick men.

"I don't get it. Why did they get sick so suddenly?" Shera murmured while fussing over them.

"Food poisoning," the three men behind her said.

"What?"

"Food poisoning," Sephiroth reiterated. "Giles is the cook on the front. We don't eat his food; we use it to bomb Wutai."

"We ran out of ammo and just started flinging food." Zack shrugged. "We haven't had a real bullet or bomb for about two months."

"And you let them eat Giles' cooking?!"

Rufus shrugged. "You win some, you lose some."

Cid poked his head in the door. "I guess this means that you badger asses are going to have to fill in for them. Start getting changed."

Zack grabbed his friend's arm. "Why does he get to BEEP swear? I don't get too!" he whined.

"Ahem."

Cid looked at Rufus. "You got something to say, pretty boy?"

"I am not going anywhere. You go instead... or I'll cut your funding."

"God damn, pink wearing, son of a bitch," the pilot grumbled as he got changed.

**New clothes**

"How do I look?"

Zack looked his friend up and down. "Like Sesshoumaru from Inu-Yasha."

"Well then. At least I look good." He gave Cid a backward glance and shuddered.

"You got something to say, silver panties?"

Sephiroth's eyes slid over to look at the pilot. "Next time you shave, try standing an inch or two closer to the blade."

"God damn Shinra show pony..." Cid followed The General out of the room.

"So what are we supposed to do?" Zack asked.

Sephiroth looked at his note. "Caspar said we have to give the child gold, frankincense, and myrrh."

"Why the BEEP would a child want those? They're not exactly age appropriate gifts."

"It's supposed to be symbolic," Cid said.

"Of what?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Gold for kingship, myrrh for the healing of wounds and the anointing of dead bodies, and frankincense for perfuming the holy temple," Sephiroth said as he tried to get his hair out of the silk sash around his waist.

"I don't remember any of that from military school," Zack mused.

"You wouldn't learn it there. It's a custom from the Cetra."

"A scholar and a general."

Sephiroth eyed his friend. "That's normally how it works, Zachary. How you got to be a general is beyond me."

"I'm A general? I thought it was a title. Like, not a specific Zack, just a general one."

"God dammit."

"Hey! You can swear? Oh BEEP! Totally not cool!"

**That Guy Named Joe**

The three stood outside a remodeled barn. Sephiroth looked at the paper with the address, glad that the stars were really bright tonight.

"This is the place."

"Shera keeps showing me these places in those damn magazines of hers. It's the new thing. Take an old barn and make it into a home."

"Just so long as it doesn't smell like a BEEP barn inside." Zack frowned, sniffed, and put his head in his hands. "This is so totally not fair."

Sephiroth sighed and knocked on the door.

A woman stuck her head out, smiled, and opened the door. "Thanks for coming!"

The three followed her inside and found a huge room filled with tall book shelves, lots of chairs, a buffet, and most of the students and faculty from the local agriculture college. People kept coming in and out the door, all in traditional costumes, grabbing food, touring the house, and seeing the baby boy, who was crying in his mother's arms.

"You're here!"

The three turned to see a man in a nice suit, pant legs rolled up, with coke-bottle glasses on his face.

He looked them over and folded his arms across his chest. "Okay. What happened to them?"

"Food poisoning," they all said at the same time.

The man sighed. "Oh well. I'm Joe." He shook hands with them.

"These are for you," Sephiroth said and handed the man the gifts.

"The wife will love them. Just put them over on the table next to the buffet."

The gift table was loaded with gold, frankincense, and myrrh. If you looked hard enough, though, you would find a baby blanket. It was gold colored with the words 'frankincense and myrrh' embroidered on it.

A swath of children ran in the room and gathered around, of all people, Giles, for a story. "Tonight, boys and girls, we are going to learn of the very special birth of our hero.

_Twas the night before Christmas in a tower so high, _

_lived a woman named Lucretia and her love with red eyes."_

Zack leaned in to Seph. "This is going no where good."

"That's why I'm going to help myself to some of the liquor."

Cid pulled out his spear and headed for Giles.

**Twenty years ago in Shinra Tower**

Lucretia turned away. "I can't see you anymore."

Vincent stepped toward her. "Why not?"

"I had a vision, an angelic visitation."

Vincent put his head in his hands. "I really wish Hojo hadn't put that in everyone's contract. I can't stand calling him an angel."

Lucretia turned. "Still. We can no longer be together.""Again, why not?""I am with child."

Vincent looked down at her stomach. "Yeah. I know. I've been going to the birthing classes with you."

"And, I don't know if it's yours or Hojo's."

Vincent was silent for a while. "Well, I'm pretty sure it can't be Hojo's kid. The Ancients know that he spends far too much time in Mako."

Vincent took her hands in his. "Run away with me. I know a place that will be safe."

"Where? Kalm? Corel?"

"Three floors up in the Turk offices."

**Present Time**

As Cid raised his spear, Giles continued,

_"The liquor was laid out on the Turks' desks with care,  
in hopes that they could get plastered there.  
The experiments were nestled, all snug in there beds,  
With Mako filled nightmares crammed in their heads.  
And Heidigger in his kerchief and Shinra in his cap,  
Settled down in their armchairs for a nice little nap.  
When down in the Turk's room there arose such a clatter,  
they sprang from their offices to see what was the matter."_

**Turks offices twenty years ago**

Hojo had them cornered. "You can't escape me now! Give me the child!" He took baby Sephiroth from Lucretia, shoved her out of the way and sidled up to Vincent. "Hey, cutie."

Vincent screamed, ran to Shinra mansion, and locked himself in a coffin.

**Back to Giles**

_"The shine of the electric company street lights on the new fallen snow  
Gave the luster of Mako, a sparkling green below.  
What to Hojo's wondering eyes should appear  
But Shinra, Heidigger, and Palmer in their under wear."_

Sephiroth tapped Zack on the shoulder. "I think we need to stop him before I go nuts."

"Cid's got that covered."

_"Each grabbing a bottle as the entered the room  
The baby did scream with a mighty boom."_

Cid swung his spear around and battled Giles across the room. "God damn, Shinra loving, kid corrupting bastards!"

Joe, hands in his pockets, leaned back on his heels. "I think he's going to kill your friend, Giles."

Sephiroth nearly dropped his drink. "Friend? I think you've totally misunderstood our relationship." He did a double take. "You know Giles?"

"Since he was born. His mother and my wife are friends."

Sephiroth set his drink down and shook his head. "I think the little world I created for myself in my head just detonated."

Zack patted him on the shoulder as Cid dragged Giles away from the children. "It's okay, man. I mean BEEP BEEP BEEP." Zack threw up his hands. "Oh come on! I wasn't even swearing!"

Joe patted Sephiroth on the shoulder. "Listen, kid. The minute you think you've got it made, disaster is just around the corner. Instead of putting together the pieces of a puzzle that isn't there, prioritize what's important to you. I highly doubt Giles and his stalker mother are at the top of your list of things to concern yourself with.

Sephiroth looked thoughtful. "Hey, thanks."

As Cid beat the crap out of Giles, and people shooed the children out of the room, Zack watched with a happy, holiday smile.

"God bless us! Everyone!"


	40. Episode Thirty Nine: Happy BDay Shinra!

**This Army Life**  
by: Nicolle

1st Note: The truth is stranger than fiction. This episode is based on a true story.  
2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!  
3rd Note: Giles will be getting a reprieve this Christmas. Tonberry will be killing Biggs... Because Wedge is the only one who survives the trilogy.

**Episode 39: Happy Birthday Shinra!**

Cloud poked his head in the tent. Sephiroth was fast asleep on his cot, his hair in his face. Zack was reading quietly with his feet up on Sephiroth's desk. He didn't look up and Sephiroth didn't so much as snore. Cloud tip-toed into the tent, a bowl of warm water in his hands. He knelt next to Sephiroth's cot and reached for The General's hand.

"It won't work," Zack said as he turned the page of his book.

Cloud looked over. "How do you know?"

"I've tried it before."

"Dude. You've got brass ones." He plunked Sephiroth's hand in the warm water and huffed when nothing happened.

"Told ya so."

Cloud sighed and sat down on the desk. "I gotta question, man."

"Shoot."

"If I'm on the Chocobo side and he's on the Mako side, which side are you on?"

Without looking up from his book, Zack reached behind his back and pulled out a light saber. 

"Oh. That explains a lot. What color?"

Zack turned it on.

"Purple?" Cloud pulled the book down to look Zack in the eye. "You know about the purple light saber effect, right?"

Zack rolled his eyes and put the light saber away. "You know what this means right?"

Cloud sighed and put his head in his hands. "Star Wars parody. We are so screwed."

Giles poked his head in the tent. "Message, Sirs!"

"Just put it on the desk, Giles." Sephiroth mumbled. There was a moment of silence and then Sephiroth sat up and looked at his wet hand. "Zack, we've been over this. This doesn't work on me." He looked at the chocobo sitting on his desk. He picked up the bowl of water and dumped it on Cloud's head before picking up the message. 

"Oh hell. It's Shinra's birthday again." He looked at Zack. "Are you reading?"

"Yes."

"You know how to read?"

"Yes. I did go to school."

"What are you reading? Because if it's 'Green Eggs and Ham,' it doesn't count."

"I'm reading _How to Manage a General Who's the Child of Alien Invaders and His Boss, the Megalomaniac_."

"Is it any good?"

"Yeah. The same author wrote a book you might be interested in: _How to Live with an Alien Mother When You Don't Know Who Your Father Is_."

"I'm going to kill you, Zack."

"No you won't. You need me to come out of that party sane."

"I'm not going."

Rufus stuck his head in the tent. "Like hell you aren't!"

"And just how are you going to get us to go?"

Zack put his book down. "Don't drag me into this."

Sephiroth looked at Zack. "You'll go or I'll tell Aeris about the 'Mob Coat!"

"You swore never to speak of that again!"

"You'll both go or I'll tell Hojo you both 'missed' your last mako injects."

The heroes of the fic glared at Rufus. "We hate you."

"I know." He came into the tent with a box. "My father wants you to wear this." He opened the box to show The General the contents and it immediately caught on fire.

"One more dress, I kill the man."

Rufus tossed the flaming box outside, hit Giles, and set him on fire. "Oh please."

**Back In Midgar**

Sephiroth tugged on his coat and tapped his foot impatiently. "Tell me why we have to do this?"

Rufus glanced at The General. "Because my father has no friends."

Zack huffed and looked at the handsomely wrapped gift, courtesy of Aeris. "I really hate these things. How did we not manage to ditch this year?"

"I black mailed you both into going with me," Rufus said.

"Oh... yeah." Zack stood there looking miserable as the elevator bell dinged and the doors slid open to reveal the Shinra corporate offices decked out in birthday party streamers.

The three men sighed in desperate defeat as they stepped into Palmer's idea of a great birthday party. 

To keep everyone happy, the caterers brought out the cake early and served it while Shinra opened his presents. Everything went smoothly until Palmer went over to the office freezer and took out a box.

He presented it to Shinra the Elder. "I think it's time to bury Bert."

Everyone froze. 

Zack leaned toward Rufus. "Bert?"

"Bert is a beta fish that died while Dad was away at a conference. Palmer didn't want to throw him out while Dad was away so he put him in the freezer."

Sephiroth, Reno, Rude, Zack, and Scarlet dropped their ice cream cake on the floor.

"He's in a box now. For a while, he was just in a freezer bag.

"Exactly how long have we had a health violation in our freezer?" Scarlet managed through the stunned silence.

"Four years."

"I keep my hot pockets in that freezer!" Reno looked about to cry.

Rude looked around and then whispered. "So what did you do with the goldfish?"

Tseng gave a thumbs down with a "psshhh."

"Oh thank the Ancients," Sephiroth said.

Zack looked at Hojo. "You haven't experimented on that fish, have you?"

Hojo rolled his eyes. "Please. I haven't met a DNA map I didn't like, but I even I buy my gold fish at the pet store." He looked around. "You think the fish is weird? You should hear how Shinra makes the five year plan."

"Oh please, dear God, don't tell us..." Zack whispered.

"He pulls out a Ouija board and waits for the ghosts of Shinra's past to tell him."

Scarlet's mouth dropped open. "Wow. Last year's budget makes total sense."

"One night, he felt an 'evil presence,' called Palmer, and hid in a ruined church in the under city until an angel told them to get out."

"So that's where Aeris knows them from," Sephiroth said.

"You think that's bad," Tseng started, "You should hear about the time we had the Marlboro sighting in the under city."

Zack looked over. "Huh?"

Hojo picked up the story. "There was a marlboro sighting in the under city and for some reason, Heidigger thought that it would somehow crawl up into the offices, kidnap him, and take him away to be his forest bride."

"You're kidding."

"Nope." Hojo took a long drink from the beer in his hand.

"That's not the end of the story," Tseng prompted the Good Doctor.

Hojo coughed and wiped his mouth. "Right. Right." He looked at Zack. "Heidigger has steak in a plastic freezer bag that day because he picked it up for dinner that night." He shook his finger at the SOLDIER. "Remember this." He took another swig of bear and continued. "So Heidigger drives home at break neck speed, goes up his driveway, goes off the driveway into the lawn, and up to the porch where he proceeds to honk on the horn. He won't get out of the car until his wife comes out to escort him inside so the Marlboro can't get him."

"Doesn't Heidigger live way outside the city? How was the marlboro going to get to him out there?" Zack asked.

"More important question," Sephiroth said, "Who was the hell married the idiot?"

"The woman is a saint," Hojo said. "Anyway, she doesn't come outside because she's in the shower, so she doesn't here the car. Heidigger gets out his cell phone and calls her. When he does this, the steak falls between the seats. As he's fishing around in the car for the steak there's this loud BANG BANG BANG on his car window and he screams. It's his wife, standing outside the car, going WHAT?" 

Zack put his head in his hands.

"How the hell do you know that story?" Reno asked.

Hojo crushed the beer can in his hand and waved it around before tossing it in the general direction of the recycle bin. "Because she called us when we were down at the bar to inform us of just how crazy her husband was."

Palmer noticed the noise and turned to see everyone staring at the box. "Do you want to see it?"

Everyone backed against the wall.

Sephiroth reached for his sword. "I swear to the Ancients that if you don't back away, I will skewer you with Masamune."

Palmer shrugged and turned to Shinra, holding out the box. "I think the ground is too hard to bury him."

Everyone looked outside at the warm spring weather.

"We have a toilet," Scarlet said.

"He should have a proper funeral," Shinra mused.

Everyone stared with mouths hanging open... Except Palmer, who put the fish, back in the ice box.

**Down In the Lab Again... Can't Wait to Be in the Lab Again...**

Sephiroth looked at the assembled clones. "Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to remove the frozen beta fish Bert from the office freezer and dispose of it. I don't care how you do it so long as the fish is gone."

Number One gave him a thumbs up. "No prob, Bro."


	41. Episode Forty: Mobs, Witches, and the

This Army Life

By Nicolle

1st Note: Holy Crow! A new episode and it isn't even Christmas!

2nd Note: OOC-ness ahead!

3rd Note: I am in my new office and I have a lovely picture of Sephiroth hanging over my desk. The profs take one look at it and decide it's not worth it to give me lip. :)

Disclaimer: Final Fantasy belongs to Square-Enix. (Until they sell their souls again. Of course, technically, Tetsya Nomura owns ff7.) Apologies to Monty Python and especially John Cleese.

Episode 40: Mobs, Witches, and the Occasional Fire!

"Sir! Sir!" Giles stuck his head in the tent.

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Yes, Giles?"

"We've caught the witch!"

Sephiroth paused for a moment and confirmed with himself that he had no idea what Giles was talking about. "What witch?"

"The one that's been making the cream go bad!"

The General groaned. "The cream goes bad because you leave it out of the fridge all night long."

"The milk goes sour too."

"For the same reason."

"The chocobos aren't doing well."

"Because we're eating them."

"Our crops are going to hell."

"We aren't growing any."

"Oh."

Silence.

"We still got the witch! Can we burn her?"

Sephiroth stood, pushed Giles aside, and walked out of the tent. Everything looked as it should. He grabbed Cloud by the collar as the spiky one passed by. "What the hell is Giles going on about?"

"About what, Sir?"

"The witch."

"Which witch?"

The General gave him The Look (TM).

Cloud held up both hands defeat. "He keeps saying that one of the nurses is a witch."

"What has he done to said nurse?"

"Not much. Zack untied her from the support post in the mess tent."

Sephiroth dropped Cloud and looked at Giles. "Why do you think one of the medics is a witch?"

"She turned me into a newt!"

As The General let out an exasperated sigh, Cloud smacked the Giles up the back side of the head.

Giles sniffed and rubbed his head. "I got better."

"I'm going to get something to eat." Green mako eyes looked back at Cloud. "Is Zack still in the mess?"

He nodded.

"Great. Find Rufus and tell him I need sanity."

Cloud flipped out a notepad. "Do you want sanity in liquid or solid form?"

"I'd like to take this moment to reiterate: You are a very bad person, Cloud Strife."

"Thank you, Sir." Cloud ran off as Sephiroth turned to the mess. Rubbing his temples, he sat down next to Zack.

"Who's responsible for the latest bit of garbage to spew from Giles' mouth?"

Zack shrugged. "You might want to give the men a rest."

Sephiroth looked at the assembled soldiers still standing at attention. "At ease."

Everyone went back to eating.

"So you have no idea what this is about?"

"Nope." He took a bite of food.

"Zack?"

"Yeah?" he said between mouthfuls.

"Why are you wearing a sparkling, leopard skin jacket?"

Zack smiled. "It's my pimpin' new mob coat!"

"Oh dear Ancients..."

"It's the newest in stylin' mob wear. I can't wait to show Aeris!"

"So she can dump you? You look ridiculous."

"Come on... Admit I look great!"

Sephiroth put his head on the table. "You can't be part of the mob or any other mob. You're a SOLDIER."

"We work for Rufus. He is the mob."

Sephiroth resisted the urge to cry. "Why the new clothes?"

"So I look good when we find the witch and burn her."

"Just when I thought life couldn't suck any worse..."

**Sometime in the middle of the night, in the middle of a pleasant dream...** (Or as pleasant a dream Sephiroth can have...)

"Sir! Wake up!"

Sephiroth sat up quickly, his hand already on Masamune, until he realized that the world was silent. "Giles. You do realize that I value the precious little sleep I get. Why in the Planet's name would you wake me when we aren't under attack?"

"We got the witch!"

He resisted the urge to bang his head off of something hard and made do with the thought of banging the Private's head off of the nearest tree. "Get out of my tent before I run you through."

"But we need you to judge the witch!"

"I have Masamune in my hand."

"Eek!" Giles screamed like a little girl and ran for it as Sephiroth stood. After a quick brushing of the hair, he walked outside. A small group of soldiers were standing around the canteen. A young female medic was on top, trying to avoid the soldiers on all sides.

Sephiroth grabbed one of the soldiers. "What's going on?"

"We found the witch. Duh."

Sephiroth's eyebrow twitched and the soldier only belatedly realized who he was talking too. He also realized he was on fire. The man ran screaming for the nearest lake. The General grabbed Zack, who was still in his pimpin' new mob coat. "What's going on, Zachary?"

"We found the witch."

"You do realize that the last time I saw someone as insane as you, I had to pay admission."

"You went to see the Sissy and Egbert Circus too?"

"This night is not going well." He looked around. "ATTEN-HUT!" Every soldier came to attention, including the medic on the roof. "WHEN I GIVE THE 'AT EASE' EVERYONE HERE WILL RETURN TO THEIR POSTS OR THEIR TENTS. AT EASE!" Everyone scattered.

"Uh, Sir? Could you help me get down?"

Sephiroth looked up at the medic. "How did you get up there?"

"Pure panic, Sir."

"Go ahead and jump." He caught the medic and set her on her feet. "Why do those morons think you're a witch?"

"They think we're all witches, sir. It doesn't help that witch rhymes with bitch and Giles overheard us talking about Houlihan."

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "I don't care what you say about your superior officer when you aren't at camp, but so long as you're here you will be respectful. Understood?"

"Yes, Sir."  


"Get back to the med tent before the morons come back."

"Yes, Sir." She saluted and ran off.

**The Next Day**

"Burn the witch! Burn the Witch!"

Sephiroth's head hit the desk. "I swear to the Ancients, I will blow Niebelheim up before I die if only to kill Giles." He stood and walked out of the tent. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON NOW?"

The men suddenly jumped to attention, dropping some poor woman to the ground. Said poor woman turned out to be a very pissed off Scarlet. The nearest soldier got a taser in the groin as she stood up.

She stomped over, waving the taser in Sephiroth's face. "Where's Rufus? I know he's responsible for this!"

"Rufus isn't responsible for this, and I haven't seen him in days." He crossed his arms over his chest. "And how can you say you aren't a witch? I've seen the book you keep in mmphhh--"

Scarlet's hand landed on The General's mouth. "Don't say that out loud!" She took a deep breath and stepped back. "This has something to do with Giles doesn't it?"

"Yep."

"So the men are following him around like lost sheep."

"Yep."

"And you are planning to fix this when?"

"The next time Wutai attacks. The stupid ones always go in the first bombing after new recruits come in."

"Ah."

"Yep."

Scarlet put her taser away. "Has anyone ever told you that you're evil?"

The General rolled his eyes. "As compared to whom? Hojo?"

"Point taken."

He crossed his arms over his chest. "So, why have you graced us with your delightful presence, Scarlet?"

She smiled big and wide, like a little girl. If little girls had shark teeth and a shit eating grin. She pulled a box out from under her coat. "I've brought the newest model. I thought Rufus would like to test it for me." Inside the box was a shiny, new shotgun.

"I'm sure he'll love it. Just drop it in his tent and get the hell out of here, before I let the men burn you at the stake."

Scarlet gave him the Look of Death(TM). "Don't you want to know what it does?"

"It could turn people plaid for all I care. Scoot."

Cloud walked up to them and looked in the box. "Is that the new plaid gun? Sweet!" He picked it up and took aim at one of the many people in the camp who owed him money and pulled the trigger. The soldier's clothing changed into a plaid so horrible he went instantly insane and fell to the ground in a gibbering mass. "AWESOME!" Cloud ran off before anyone could stop him.

"Well. That was unexpected."

Scarlet nodded.

"Let's stop him before he goes mad with power."

Scarlet nodded and followed The General deeper into camp.

**After hours of searching...**

"This is bad. We've been all over camp and all we've found are victims." Scarlet toed the nearest gibbering mass with her High Heels of Doom.

"We need to find him soon. A mob is forming." Sephiroth pointed at a crowd gathering around Zack and his pimpin' new mob coat.

"Burn the witch! Burn the witch!"

Sephiroth put his head in his hand. "Wait. Never mind. Let's find Cloud before the mob burns a member of my medical team to death."

"THERE HE IS! GET 'IM!"

The mob took off as one, chasing down a man with familiar chocobo-like hair.

Sephiroth and Scarlet stood speechless as Cloud ran passed them, followed by a mob of... pimping new mob coats.

"Holy crap, mother!" Scarlet took off after the mob, running full tilt in heels.

Rufus appeared out of nowhere. "Wow. She can book it in heels."

Sephiroth rolled his eyes. "Where the hell have you been?" He sniffed and smelled alcohol. "Never mind. Next time you ditch to drink with the Turks, take me with you."

"Can do. So. I heard you needed sanity?"

"It's too late for that. Scarlet made you a new gun, Cloud stole it, and now the entire camp thinks he's a witch."

Rufus blinked and looked up at Sephiroth. "I miss a lot when I'm gone, don't I?"

"Oh yeah."

"So they think Cloud's the witch and not Scarlet?"

"We're passed that part."

Rufus put on a pair of reading glasses and rifled through a sheaf of papers pulled from his coat. "Giles thinks nurse is witch. Zack has pimpin' new mob coat. Soldiers chase nurse up on roof. Soldiers think Scarlet is a witch. Cloud steals gun…" Rufus mumbled. "Here we are! Mob catches Cloud!"

"WE'VE CAUGHT THE WITCH! BURN THE WITCH!"

The mob came back, dragging Cloud with them. They stopped in front of Sephiroth and presented the Chocobo Kid.

"Witch!" one of the men barked.

"I'm so pleased that you managed to learn one new vocabulary word today. I guess that brings the number of words you know up to two."

"Witch!" he said again and shook Cloud like a rag doll.

"Yes. Yes. I know. Who's got the gun?"

"I do." Scarlet walked up to Rufus and reached out to give him the gun. Then she thought better of it. "No. This is way too much power. Even for you." She put the gun back in its box and it disappeared underneath her coat."

Rufus gave her puppy dog eyes. "Please?"

"Bite me."

"Where?"

"ALL RIGHT!" Sephiroth yelled. "You two can take your sick love games elsewhere. I have a witch to deal with." He looked at Cloud.

Cloud smiled. "A little help here?"

"Burn the witch! Burn the witch!" the mob chanted.

Cloud's smile turned frantic. "Please?"

Sephiroth crossed his arms over his chest and tapped a foot.

"I swear I'll give up the chocobo wrangling! Please!"

Sephiroth smiled. "Good boy." He looked at the crowd. "And how do you know he's a witch?"

Zack threw his hands up in the air. "He was turning people plaid!"

"And the last witch turned Giles into newt. How is this different?"

Giles stamped his foot. "I got better!"

"And everyone else won't?"

"Dude! The plaid makes my eyes bleed!" Zack pointed to his face.

Sephiroth leaned forward to have a look. "You should have the med staff look at that."

Zack backed off. "No way! They're all witches too!"

Sephiroth put his head in his hand. "Listen. Medicine is not witchcraft. And Cloud isn't a witch either. Using a gun to turn people plaid is not witchcraft. It's Scarlet-craft."

"But Scarlet's a witch!"

Scarlet through her hands up. "That's it! I'm out of here!" She turned and left. And she didn't notice when Rufus slipped a box out from under her coat. He hid it behind his back.

"Listen people. We've been flinging food at the enemy for months because we don't have any ammo left. Our last chance to get anything decent has just left the camp. Now, if there actually 

was a witch in the camp, we would be winning this damn war instead of sitting at stalemate all the time."

Giles jumped up and down, waving her hands. "What if the witch is a spy?!"

Sephiroth put a hand on Giles' shoulder to keep him from bouncing up and down. "It's nice to see that the two lonely brain cells you have occasionally bump into each other, Giles, but the answer is still no. There aren't any witches in the camp. Though I'm pretty sure there will be dead bodies in a few minutes if you don't put Cloud down and give up on this nonsense."

The soldiers dropped Cloud and shuffled off. Rufus examined his new plaid gun. Sephiroth took it out of his hands and broke it over his knee.

"No!" He dropped the pieces and grabbed the sheaf of papers out of Rufus' coat. He rolled them up and swatted Rufus over the nose. "Bad! Go to your tent!" He dropped the papers and followed Rufus to make sure he stayed in 'time out.'

Cloud picked up the roll of papers and flipped them to the last page. "Let's see. Scarlet leaves. Cloud gets away. Rufus gets swatted. Sephiroth goes to bed… No way!"

He ran to the canteen. Inside, men were nursing there drinks after a long day of mobbing. Cloud snuck behind the bar and into the back office. He carefully opened the door to the closet and peeked inside. Tonberry and Zack were standing next to an altar. On the altar were a bell, a very _familiar_ book, and a black candle.

"Dude. Scarlet's gonna be pissed about the book."

Tonberry just look at Zack.

"Okay. Okay. But you shouldn't be resorting to witchcraft to kill Kakashi."

Tonberry pulled out his knife.

"Yeah. I know he's a immune to your 'poke of death,' but that doesn't mean he isn't immune to witchcraft. Seriously, he's unkillable!"

Tonberry turned to the altar and slowly moved toward it.

"You're welcome. Just tell me when you're done with the book so the clones can put it back."

Cloud closed the door and leaned against it, slack jawed. "Tonberry's the witch?!"


End file.
